Ironman 70.3 PA- 2025

 Ironman 70.3 PA

Ironman 70.3 PA Happy Valley PA (2025) (FIRST RACE IN new age group as a 50 year old!)

I am so excited for this race report. This race was really special in so many ways. Some initial info: the last 1/2Ironman distance race I did was in 2022. Previously I did one a year, but then I took a break for a few years (plus covid), and lately I have just had other priority races that I preferred to sign up for. A ½ Ironman is really a big commitment and the ones that are most convenient geographically to get to happened to be in the calendar time of kids graduating, kids in their sports seasons/ tournament time, etc. I signed up for this one for a few reasons:  namely it was held almost exactly 75 days before Ryan’s Aunt’s 75^th birthday and she lives near Penn State, where the race would be- so it would be a perfect time to go up there and celebrate her (plus Ryan comes from a PSU family, so I figured it would be looked favorably upon!!!!!) AND…….. I am turning 50 this year and I wanted to do a solid 70.3 distance as a “big thing” for myself😊 (among others!)

I knew my race goal was to FINISH. I am no longer interested in being full throttle all eyes on the prize training- I train really hard and focused, and I care a lot, but I also have a realization (thank God by age 50 I have gotten here) that I can only do what I can do. I want to challenge myself and put it all out there knowing that I gave it everything and see where the cards fall.  And at the same time, honor my limits especially with my hip/back – I know I cannot cross a certain line of  speed without an exponential risk of injury, so my speed will now always be limited. I have learned that is okay and I would rather participate at a level that maybe once would have been disappointing to me, rather than push myself too much and risk the ability to be out there.

I began training over the winter- Jan/Feb timeframe- and things were going really well. Until I got sick. Then I was on my way back (hopefully) and sprained my ankle quite bad. So, this was a huge concern.  I didn’t even know if I’d be able to do the race. Once I got to the point that I could, I realized that I was going to use this as an OPPORTUNITY- to do every single thing I could to train what I could until I could run again.  I cycled, swam, strength, rehabbed, I was possibly even MORE committed. I really got back into long hours on the bike, which was really a blessing in disguise. I’ve not been nearly as committed to biking the past 5 years, so it was really a nice different direction to go with my training.

I trained hard, committed to the plan I made for myself.  I made a promise to follow my plan as I would expect someone that I coach; meaning- life happens, so maybe a workout blows up, and you do what you can and adjust if things need to be. I trained with high expectations of myself to prepare fully and execute the training.

RACE WEEK: I was ridiculously terrified and obsessed with the weather report. Any thought that I could do this race, that I was prepared went out the window. I do NOT like one single bit to ride my bike in rain.  I do not like it and I do not do it. I also find it dangerous. PARTICULARLY if you are climbing mountains in PA and DESCENDING. So, I was nonstop thinking about what was going to happen with the weather. Not only because I don’t think it is fun to bike in rain, but because of the danger.  I simply don’t like to take that risk. I cannot describe the mental discussions constantly taking place in my brain about what this meant. I didn’t trust that I would or could do a race in the pouring and it was saying thunderstorms also, and… nope.

The day before the race the weather shifted and it looked like maybe we wouldn’t even have any more rain for the race! I was overjoyed. And now, so hopeful. Of course, it was supposed to still be cloudy, low percent chance rain, so not my favorite conditions of sun, but now things were possible.  I was back on.

RACE START: I possibly should have looked up logistics a little better about how far of a drive it was to PSU from Ryan’s aunts house and then to lake because what ended up happening was that I woke up at 2:40AM to get to PSU by 4 to board a bus to get to the lake for the start. (start and finish of this race were not in same location). I knew it was going to be a long day, but then again honestly, if I had stayed at a hotel- I still would have been up at 4- so it would have only been another 1:20 of sleep, so it still doesn’t seem worth it to me to get a hotel. Anyway. Boarded bus, got to lake. IT WAS A MUDPIT.

We were not allowed to have shoes clipped into pedals, for T1, which I usually do, and I knew transition was going to be a mess because you would step on the ground and it was like “mud quick sand” your feet went down INTO the earth (mud). It was disgusting. So, pre-race I adjusted to this and tried to get a plan.  PLUS,  well, it was raining. And COLDER than I thought.  I had brought some simple cloth/dollar store/throw away gloves that I thought I’d wear for a bit. These ended up saving me so much, thank goodness I did that. I wore them the entire bike ride. (more on that later).

SWIM: We went off in a rolling start 3 people each 5 seconds.  I don’t prefer that start- I like to start in age groups, but I will admit- it worked really well. It seemed like people were really strung out on this one loop course. It was clockwise- I lined up on the inside because my preferred side to breathe is right plus it was shortest tangent, and worked awesome. It was a race where I never had any weird feelings or worries or breathing issues. I started honestly pretty easy and calm and really just kept that mentality going. I was so thankful during the swim for that.  Since it was raining and there was no sun, it was also nice to never have the sun in our eyes blinding our sighting of buoys. The course was well marked, kayaks were helpful in keeping the lines of the buoys. It may have literally been my favorite swim I ever did. I don’t think it was fast (I’ll be honest I haven’t even looked at my data yet- that is how much I really just prefer right now to go by FEEL- how did this FEEL- not the pace- but I felt STRONG and SOLID and that is honestly all I need). I actually enjoyed the swim, even though it was raining.  (Also, I should mention… it was wetsuit legal! So, this helped me to have some nice floating assistance!)

Transition- went through the mud pit, mounted and was off. It wasn’t fast, but no one was and I was being calm and just doing my own thing.

BIKE: There was like a 1 mile out and back where I think they were just trying to get the total distance up to 56 miles for the bike, but I took it as a kind of extended transition where I got settled, was pulling my gloves on while I was biking so there was some messing around with that, I had a banana that I basically shoved down the front of my tri suit that I ate for the first 20 miles of the bike (proving apparently that I have zero cares about what my race photos end up looking like, because in the run portion later, I also had food/fuel shoved in the front of my race suit)! The first hour was really nice and flat. We began what I would soon learn was a tour of so many farms and a huge highlight was all of the Amish family and children on the course cheering for us! They were having so much fun and this was IN THE RAIN- around 8am-9am in the rain- blankets of cute amish kids sitting cheering for us.  Young kids all the way through teenagers all over the course. The parents sitting in groups on porches cheering, with cowbells. They were the best spectators! I waved back to the groups cheering us on, it was so helpful.  I also know that is a mental tool to really engage as long as you can, keep the happy feelings flowing, knowing there will be a time that I do not feel like smiling at people!

It was raining and windy and 20-40 miles were full of hills and climbs. One significant climb in here, but I handled it well and kept my fueling consistent.  One reason I was being even more cautious on the fueling was….. I had packed my Heed electrolyte drink mix in a ziplock in my bags for the weekend and could not FIND IT race morning so I was only carrying water. I was nervous about that, so just tried to make sure I got all the calories in that I needed for the distance. At 25 miles I started taking a fig newton every 3-5 miles to keep blood sugar steady.  I was trying to make sure anytime there wasn’t wind gusts to grab the food then, either banana out of my suit, or fig newton in my bento box, so that I could get my hands back on bike because it was slippery. My body looked like a bad windshield already, I was caked with mud everywhere. But I was having fun with the course and the fun spectators, cows on the side, beautiful farms we drove by.

Well I at least need to tell about the Center Hall Mountain climb. This is a 4 mile climb starting at mile 40 that leads to “Mount Nittany.” It was lined at the bottom with spectators with bells so I figured this was the start to the notorious climb and was just open to whatever was to come. It was raining, and again I am so thankful that I had those gloves because they helped me to grip. As we were just grinding in our smallest chainrings up this climb, there was a beautiful stream on the side of the road which from the huge amount of rain over the weekend and days leading up to the race was now just GUSHING with water.  It reminded me of the smoky mountains, it was really beautiful and I was thankful to glance over and see the creek, hear the sounds. There were switchbacks up this mountain and every time we would turn I’d look up and be like you are JOKING ME because I thought, ohhh maybe this is the top soon????  Well, it got whiter and whiter as we went further into a cloud. When we got to what was “Mt Nittany overlook” we had zero view. I could not see the cyclist in front of me and now we had to go DOWN THE MOUNTAIN. I was literally terrified thinking, what do I do?  But… I wasn’t about to get off…. (I mean what would I do up there except freeze) so here I go, down the white mountain, trying to not brake too hard, but also brake as much as I could, meanwhile, my body is just locked in still, trying to keep myself from sliding and upright and core engaged, shoulders down, the wind got so cold, my arm skin was freezing, shoulders and forearms so cold.  I made it to the bottom without crashing which was my prayer.  Once I started pedaling again I realized my toes and feet were blocks.  They had zero feeling, completely numb, as were my fingers. I worried because sometimes this can be the end of it for me.  So I tried to do little movements of my toes inside my shoes. Tried to do little finger moves before my fingers went to the full pain of Raynauds. At this point, we have 10-15 miles left of the bike, so I am realizing, OK: I think I’m going to make it and energy is still okay, so keep fueling and keep within yourself.  Keep steady, keep your hands from dying, stay mentally engaged and get there patiently.

The final 5 miles were some more ridiculous hills that I was like I cannot believe we are STILL CLIMBING. What goes up, does NOT COME DOWN in a point to point race with elevation gain of 3462 feet! I was honestly so proud of myself that I made it through the end- not just a hard bike course, but in the rain, keeping myself fueled, positive, and steady and patient throughout.  I definitely played it a little conservative knowing that I had a half marathon still, and was really proud of my effort and plan so far!

T2: Well, I got to T2 and was NOW worried my day was over.  I could not get my helmet off because I couldn’t feel my fingers and could not work the clasp without any feeling in my fingers.  After 60-90 seonds of trying, I was about to ask a volunteer if they could help me, but I got it.  Then I couldn’t get my shoes on with my fingers not working, or pick up my race belt and get the stuff into the pockets (our transitions weren’t lined out as a normal tri- we had to have all of our T2 stuff in a bag the day before, so essentially had to dump it out figure it out during transition).  I ran into the bathroom to pee before heading out and realized I hadn’t brought my water flask. Oh my gosh. 2^nd hydration mistake of the day.  But.. I wasn’t going back. At least I had brought my gel and blocks for calories.

 

RUN: So, I exited transition and was so happy to see Phoebe, Ryan, and Aunt Claudia cheering for me! I was finally on my own two feet- no risk of crashes or flats anymore and it was all up to me now. I wasn’t sure how this course was going to go, I hadn’t been able to run any of it, and so I was just open to following the route and seeing what I saw.  It was 2 loops, and my thought was, ok, go out and “be curious” on the first loop- see how you feel, and see what you see, have no pace expectations, and when things get really tough, “go sightseeing” as if I was touring the college.

Well, first things first though.  Within the first ¼ mile I thought OMG I’m going to possibly have to go to the hospital.  My fingers were so numb, which is normal for my cold hands with Raynaud’s, BUT: I felt like they were blocks that were going in the wrong direction, like my fingers were going backwards.  They were so numb, but just also a different sensation than what I have previously had. I knew they had hurt and were so cold on the bike and I had worried that it was going to be a problem. The bike gloves that I wore were soaked from the rain at the end of the bike.  I normally don’t wear socks with my run shoes, but I had put a pair of socks in my transition bag for run in case my feet were super muddy or I felt like I might need them because of the pouring rain. I realized that what I could do is try to use my socks as “mittens”! HA!  So…. I did that and honestly. It SAVED my race possibly. I had grabbed those socks during transition, stuffed them into the shoulder of my tri suit and brought them with me. I balled my hands up inside my socks and tried to fist them up and do some hand movement to warm them.  After 4 miles, I realized my hands were going to be ok! I am still honestly really thankful. Yes, I did feel like a fruitcake running with socks on my hands, but it was for me the perfect “survival strategy”!

During these first 4 miles of the run, I felt solid and steady (mostly focusing on hands and the course, trying to remain calm and have no expectations. I started taking my UCAN gel at mile 1. Every mile I’d have a few sips. Through mile 4/5, I started to feel myself get a little fatigued, and I had a little worry/awareness to make sure I had a plan to manage my energy. I was mentally trying to break the race into sets of 4 miles. 3x 4 miles which would then get me to just the final mile.  However, since it was two loops, that didn’t match up, but I figured that the halfway point would give me another “boost.”  At mile 5, we were weaving in and out of pathways on campus and it was windy and technical with sharp turns which kind of were hard and causing extra work, but I kept thinking- ok, finish this loop to just see what the loop is and then you will be on the final loop! The final mile of the first loop was really hard all uphill.  I was definitely feeling the struggle. I slowed down. (also I had to stop to use a port o pot at I think mile 5 but it was super quick and not a troubling situation, such as I’ve had in past run races, so very grateful).

I kept myself focused on getting to the halfway point and getting through the stadium again because that was so cool!  GUYS: LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT RUNNING THROUGH THE PSU football stadium. THIS WAS FREAKING COOL.  I’m not even a football fan. And it was RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME. So cool. It was amazing.  The entire race was worth it right there.  To imagine what that would be like to be one of those players in this stadium was just amazing.  I was looking around as we did a lap on the perimeter of the turf.  I feel so lucky to have had this experience. I am so surprised by how cool this felt like to me!  I’m not joking that it was like 9.8/10 cool! So, that renewed me.

2^nd loop: Yes, I was worried, 6.5 more miles is still a long way.

I realized I was getting tired energetically, along with leg fatigue, and so I realized I possibly needed some caffeine.  The aid stations were AWESOME and every mile. I thought: next aid station, I’m going to get coke. I am not used to drinking coke (at all, but def not in the middle of a workout).  And I realize this is against the rule of not doing something new in races, but I also knew I needed it.  (and I’ve done it before- ironman races). So, mile 7, I again went to the port o pot, but then told myself to walk through the aid station while sipping the coke (thinking that may be easier to let it go in without bothering my stomach).  I did that.  I also got a piece of a maurten bar they were handing out (which again- I have not ever tried- major rule break here because don’t try new things, but I kinda felt like I Needed a solid/ not a gel).  I didn’t have it at the same time as the coke, but thought I’ll save it in case I need it. 

NEXT Goal: get to mile 8 because then I would mentally be on my last “set” of 4 miles. There were  rolling hills through the campus and I def could feel it and just thought keep going. Whereas on the bike, I was passing basically everyone, I did get passed on the run. There were some people just FAST. I thought, Sharon do not focus on THAT. There are just as many people that are walking, or struggling that you are passing, so everyone is in their own lane.  It reminded me to stay within myself. This helped. Mile 8, another walk through aid station and more coke.  I felt these coke/caffeine/sugar surges, THANK GOODNESS!!!!! So thankful!  Mile 9: I took a bite of that bar. Oh it was so good to chew something honestly. Like food-ish. It was heaven. Another boost! I kept plugging. I wasn’t fast, but I was smooth and feeling efficient and solid. I kept saying to myself, keep pressing, keep pushing.  I wanted to press forward, only think positive. I knew that if I just kept little bit by little bit not negotiating with the pain, I could continue. Mile 10: I was feeling really huge in my stomach bloated from the coke bubbles, the jostling/ sugar/ food intake and was worried as I was starting to feel uncomfortable in my stomach so I skipped this aid station. I literally was just “expanding” and my stomach was bloating,getting big and uncomfortable with the jostling and I didn’t want to run into a problem.  

Mile 11: This aid station was actually a little bit after 11 and I thought ok!!!!!! THIS IS IT! Take something to get you to mile 12! AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE 1 mile left and you CAN MAKE IT!!!!! This was my last walk through (probably 5-10 sec of walking) and each time I definitely did get that boost from the caffeine/sugar combination in the soda (also def was feeling the bloating from the bubbles so that wasn’t good- that wouldn’t have been sustainable for long because it was definitely getting uncomfortable).

I tried to stay steady through this mile, mentally patient and plugging along, pushing and pressing forward, when I Hit the 1 mile left mark, I did have enough to start to push myself, even if it was really an uphill final mile that was difficult, I put all the effort into it that I could!

I was so happy to turn the corner for the last maybe .1 that was flat along the finish chute with the spectators. I was so proud of myself, and it felt honestly awesome to say that to myself, about myself.  I did it. It’s what I do, and I still have the fire to do hard and uncomfortable things. I’m never sure of the result, but I’m still willing to put myself into that vulnerable spot of stepping into the arena. I love the practice of fighting self doubt, to practice empowering myself by training my body and mind together- one just as important as the other.  Day by day, it all matters. And so it goes- day by day, magic is created. You practice becoming the person you want to be, asking yourself questions about your tenacity and will, and then doing the thing. Taking the action. Showing up for yourself, becoming the strongest version of yourself possible. This is why I’m proud. I couldn’t tell you my numbers, splits, paces, times (although I will look them up and post at the end for future reference), but I can tell you the FEELING. What it feels like to have prepared, worked, and stepped off the sidelines and INTO life fully, with no guarantees.

I do love races so much. This one will always be really special.  What a really fun day of all the things, all the emotions, all the feelings. As is life.

Taking a week light to recover and rest, then back into it for Kauai Marathon training!

STATS:

(from my gps):

Swim 41:01, 2331 yds

T14:48

Bike 3:02 (15:25/13:47/14:49/15:30/15:28/16:45/14:12/20:30/19:50/14:26/16:43/4:38)

T2 4:33

Run2:01:02

(9:15/8:42/7:59/9:308:18/8:53/9:45/10:52/10:06/9:16/9:27/9:02/9:30/ 0:23?)

 

 

 

What are you TRYING to do these days?

 

TRYING.

As part of my job, I am in a position to often see how people show up, how they bring themselves to a workout, through a workout or challenge or race in ways both physical and mental.

One of my favorite quotes (from my favorite movie, Serendipity) is, “The Greeks didn’t write obituaries, they had one sentence, “Did they live with passion?”  I was reminded this week, in a similarly succinct question, that succeeding often means- “Did you try?”

**Funny note - immediately after I heard this reminder about success being a result of trying and effort, I was running sprints, saw someone I knew who said, “are you sprinting?!” and I yelled out, “I’m TRYING!” HA!  It hit me right away- that I know who I am- I am always in the effort, always trying.  I’m a person, if I decide something is worthwhile, I give it my all, I try fully.

Now, on the flip side, the word “try” is also a trigger for me!  BECAUSE- there is nothing that drives me crazier than hearing someone approaching a task or something and they say, “I’ll try.” AND YOU KNOW RIGHT AWAY, that is their escape.  They have already not done the thing. They won’t finish/complete/whatever the task is because they already gave themselves the “out”- that instead of saying, “I will” they say, “I’ll try.”  Ohhhh trigger to my heart! So, I think it is rather interesting that I also feel like the action of trying can very well be a marker of success.

It all depends, right?  It depends on what the TRYING looks like, and what the heart behind the words “I’ll try” means. I believe it is a good thing to ask ourselves the question, “What are the things I’m trying to do in my life right now.” What direction are we intending to be headed? We are always either moving towards our destiny or away from it.  Make no mistake, if we are stagnant, choosing inaction, that isn’t actually still.  That is AWAY from our intended destination.  Each moment, each day of not taking action moves us further away by the simple choice of inaction.

Which is fine- if you don’t truly have it in your heart to reach a destination. When it comes to health, it boggles my mind, honestly, that more people don’t “try.” People say all the time they want to be more fit. But the choice often made is not action.  No one is so busy that they cannot find 10-15 minutes a day of CONSISTENT exercise.  DAILY. And yes, I realize I take it personally because it is my purpose and my passion, but also because I SEE the outcome. I see the decline. Our bodies depend on us for care. Our bodies are not meant to be taken for granted.

Our “trying” may take the form of simply showing up. Showing up, sometimes even with a bum attitude! Guess what- the power of showing up even when you do not WANT TO is the ESSENCE!  When you’d rather lay on a couch and scroll for 15 minutes, but instead, you turn on the yoga recording, you get out for a walk, you circle arms/exhale and twist and feed your body with movement. You take the action, do the thing, and TRY YOUR BEST for that day.

Our time within a day is limited, understandably. As it should be.  If time weren’t limited, it wouldn’t have value. So, what has value to you?

And it doesn’t need to be exercise. Are you trying to check in with friends?  Are you trying to do the little things that are the essence of you, whatever that may be. Are you TRYING to take care of your mental health?  I know I am!  So, as much as I am advocating for showing up for fitness, I am as much a proponent of the tools that you need to address to prioritize, taking an intentional 1 full minute of deep breathing to settle your system daily. Are you trying to learn a language, write a book, learn a skill.  All of these things require the consistent, sometimes humbling, action of trying.

Are you aware of the direction you are trying to go in, the actions you daily need to take to get there, and your plan?

You know what?  TRYING FEELS GOOD! The PROCESS of trying is motivating! When I was “trying” to sprint the other day when I exclaimed to someone that I was trying… made me realize how good it felt to be in a place of learning, growing, seeing what was possible. It required me to risk something, to risk being unable to go as fast as I wanted, to risk facing obstacles, to need to step into a place in my heart where I wanted something and was following the call. It felt like LIFE, FULLY.

On the flip side, be careful about using the word “trying” without fully trying.  If you say that you are trying to lose weight, without really intentionally and fully trying…. That of course won’t lead to results and it will lead to an internal narrative that you tell yourself that you can’t, or that it is something that isn’t achievable for you. That isn’t true. The fact is that you weren’t really trying.

Trying can be hard. Trying can be disappointing, if you have your heart in it.  Trying can also be exhilarating, fulfilling, and the cool thing- it doesn’t need to be overwhelming. The big gains and changes and successes in life happen after showing up consistently, day by day. Even if for 10-15 minutes. You won’t reach your goals by a 1 day effort, or once weekly effort. It’s worth thinking about “trying” and the quality of your trying. The one guarantee we do have: no thing will happen, success doesn’t just arrive, you have to show up and make the decision and take the action to try your best. 

RACING into 2025..... again...

 

LOOKING FORWARD…. Again… to RACING IN 2025, part 2!

So, I had intended to possibly do a February race (somewhere warm) which didn’t happen.

So, I was excited and registered for a half marathon in Richmond in March… sprained ankle, didn’t happen.

So, here I try again. I AM WORKING BACK from this injury, rising up, and NEXT UP is Ironman 70.3 Pennsylvania in early June. 

This is a new to me race, and I Haven’t done a different 70.3 in quite a bit of time, so I’m looking forward to new sights, experiences and challenges. What got me signed up for this race is that it is near Ryan’s Aunt who is turning 75 this year and this race is right around 75 days before that, so it is fitting to go there and celebrate her birthday- we won’t be able to at the actual time of her birthday.  ALSO:  they are all Penn State fans and this race finishes in the PSU stadium (more on that later).

When I sprained my ankle, I was disappointed initially and really worried and crushed.  And then I pulled on my big girl pants and got FIRED THE HECK UP. I rode my bike on my trainer for hours, started going out for long rides, even if I wasn’t pushing, and really got what I hope was some really solid bike base fitness. I think I’m actually earlier in my bike progression for a 70.3 this year than I would be for a typical 70.3 cycle, which is good in many ways.  One being that this course is hilly- through some serious climbs in PA, and that is one of the hardest things in my opinion on a 70.3 is adding climbs to the bike which then just crushes the legs and body even more prior to the run.  I have been really focusing on leg/core/back and hip strength to be in the best place possible for the bike portion.

I have been consistently swimming once/week since I sprained the ankle- all with a pull buoy- UNTIL this past week! I finally could do a little kick without the pull buoy. I’ve been consistent and swimming really just all aerobic and continuous with pull buoy/paddles since I haven’t been able to kick. I feel like some of these changes are forced changes to get me into a different pattern of training than what has been my “go to” way of doing things.

My running was slow going getting back onto my feet, but I’m getting there in distance for sure. Speed?  Well, there isn’t much of that and that is absolutely A-OK with me. Goals have changed, my outlook and perspective is so much different than what it used to be, and I’m actually really thankful for it. I may not be reaching as intensely and tightly for my goals, but I’m trying to really enjoy the athlete life- the daily fun of following the plan, knowing that what I do DOES make a difference, and seeing that play out.

For my 70.3- MY GOALS:

*Swim solid and calm.

*Bike hard and relaxed while (calm again) and fuel consistently and smart throughout (energy management). 

*Run consistently with mental patience and fight.

I want to know that I Have done my training fully and without cutting corners.  That I have set myself and my training as a priority, done the work to my ability, and now I get to just go out and do my thing- the focus on race day will be on not giving away my energy mentally, being patient, and ENJOYING THE DAY.  If I remember to keep reminding myself that this is what I LOVE and ENJOYING the day, the new sights, the new to me course, and being curious with no expectations, it will lead me to my goals.

I know that there will be VERY BIG STRUGGLES physically and mentally during the race.  It is my job to train myself body and mind to get THROUGH these.  Not to not have them… because.. it is a half Ironman… it is not going to be easy, and I will not mislead myself into thinking that training will make something easy. Sometimes it is easy to think that way.  But no- there will be at least 1,2,3x that I have to dig deep within and WILL myself through. I will work on that grit in my training so that I Have the best possible chance to get through the rough patches.

I am highly cognizant that my goals seem to have no numbers, paces, finishing rankings, because I will know on the inside if I am happy with how the race is going and finished.

 

 

 

What is not working for you any longer?

 

What is not working for you any longer?

There is a Buddhist parable about a man trying to cross a swift moving river- he has no way to get across. He builds this great raft from twigs that saves his life and gets him across the river.  He ties it to his back, thinking, this saved my life, I will carry it with me always. He then begins to walk through a forest. Now the raft on his back is banging into things, trees, and limiting his progress. He comes to realize that even what once saved his life is now limiting him, and he needs to make a choice to either carry it and be limited, or let it go in, enabling him to move forward.

 

I was reminded of this parable the week after my therapist told me that maybe I could do some things differently than I always have.  That even though I’ve learned to build some walls over my life, that maybe I don’t need to anymore. That maybe I would be better off “softening” and trusting and not always going along with my guidebook on how to not get hurt.

Isn’t it always like this?  When something you need to hear arrives repeatedly in your eyeballs.  First, my therapist, then hearing this reminder from the raft parable. Then, a devotional on trust and love, then a yoga focus on stepping into curiosity of new ways. All right after each other.  I get the message.

It is so easy to follow the ways that we have lived our lifetimes. It is scary to slowly learn to release the reigns, discard the “rules” you built for yourself that have kept you safe and literally saved your life. I’ll be the first to say, I really like following these rules that do box me in, but also protect me in ways. And I also realize, I’m more in the forest now and the raft is totally banging on trees and dragging me backwards.

It is difficult to reprogram our way of thinking, activing and learning to be open to new ways.

It is difficult learning to be open, to have a greater sense of trust is at times against our survival instincts.

To learn that working to the death of you isn’t all that life is.

To experience the awakening of being able to sit with yourself in moments of ease, to even just sit STILL and not feel guilty for that.

To not follow the ridges of the path that you have carved over and over with repetition for a lifetime, to look in new places, to open eyes to even considering there may be another way.

If we remain tied to old ways of doing and communicating, we will not be able to move forward towards the change and growth that the people we have developed into now need. We are not the same person we were a year ago, 10 years ago or 40 years ago, so the same tools and rules don’t always apply.  When you look at someone and wonder why they are doing that thing that isn’t serving them, it is so easy to see from the outside (and judge), without knowing the story of their life, the story of how that developed.  

I’m in the hard work of being awake and noticing and trying to be open to some new ways in my life. I know I won’t be able to just snap and begin to live a different way (nor do I want to), but I owe it to myself and others around me to think really carefully about how I show up, how I don’t show up, how I open myself, how I protect myself, how I am in the world. It’s of course another gift of awareness and a privilege to do my best in this life I’ve been given.

 

What are you afraid of?

 

What are you afraid of?

4 weeks ago, I sprained my ankle.  It was horrible, actually.  I still sometimes flash back in my mind about the landing, the literal 90 degree angle that I found myself coming down on, along with the noise, which I was sure meant something had broken.

There was a pause where I was trying to gulp back the fall I had just taken…. Say it didn’t happen…. I didn’t want to reconcile in my head what this meant for all the plans I had coming up. I had just been sick for 2 weeks, winter has been excruciating cold, and the world… well. Let’s just say that there was a lot of despair and angst. I need to be able to move my body and have something that I love. And I was in the midst of training a teen athlete, so was quickly navigating how to cut the session short and hopefully he wouldn’t have to carry me up the stairs!

I got myself up the stairs, ice on and it was throbbing. It began swelling very quickly and I’ll admit, I was very quickly at work thinking forward despite what I think may have been a low dose shock. I was praying and emailing a few of my closest friends to please pray for me.  I stated that I was really scared, and could they pray for it to not be as bad as what I think it might be.

A sweet friend texted me back, asking me what I was scared of. The first blessing of this was that I knew how true and kind and caring a person she was, so I knew that it wasn’t meant as an accusation or snarky- like that I had nothing to be afraid of. I knew she genuinely wanted to know, so that she could pray for me.  The second blessing was in coming INTO myself to think and calm down and pause to actually answer that question. I was lying on the couch with my leg up and ice packs on it, and I remember realizing: OK- I can name this.  I am scared of #1. Not being able to work and 2. Not being able to exercise to keep myself mentally healthy.

All of a sudden, even though I was still scared, it seemed manageable.  I could name it. And in naming it, there was at least hope that, even if it was the worst possible, that those were the things that I would be addressing primarily, and I knew what I was facing.

This really opened my eyes to the power of taking a pause and taking things/feelings/fear one step further by acknowledging the underlying real and true fears. In handling anxiety in my life- so related and intertwined in fear, I know I could be helped by pausing and naming it. Addressing it more specifically, named and directly- something defined, rather than a huge feeling of doom and intense weight on my being.

For athletes, including myself, before races- that feeling of fear/trepidation/nervousness… could also be addressed and looked at square in the eye.  What are you nervous about? If I am feeling nervous about the swim, I can address that, self-talk myself through the fact that I have done all the training that I knew was the right thing.  If someone is nervous they will underperform compared to expectations, there can be a conversation and acknowledgement of the things that need addressing there. So simple, yet so profound.

For exercisers that are just beginning a new workout program, personal training sessions, format of a group class that are feeling intimidated- even then- addressing the tension of unknowing, stepping into something new, can be attended to by speaking truth to feelings.

These days, our world is full of uncertainty. Most of us are feeling fear. And maybe there is the opportunity here also as I’ve learned in the past 4 weeks to say to the big feelings, Hello big cloud of uncertainty, the top things I fear in this cloud are……And in those things, we can take some action.  Action alleviates anxiety. We can do this.

Beyond having a life lesson in being specific/naming fear, it was a big hug to my heart- that I had the gift of someone digging deeper and asking me that question. There was trust on both sides that it could be asked and received😊 Blessings even in the sprained ankle department.

SHOWING UP FULLY FOR MYSELF

 

AM I SHOWING UP FOR MYSELF?

WELLLLLLL…….After writing the last blog post…. I was in for a rude awakening when I sprained my ankle.

My last post was about racing in 2025 and I was going to do a half marathon in Richmond after having the flu. Not so fast.  I am sidelined from running.

First: the sprain. I’ve sprained that ankle previously (in 1994, so 31 years ago!) and also broke 2 bones in that foot in that incident.  I had a cast on (this was my first year at uva, so it was highly memorable crutching around campus because I of course, being me, refused to take the bus). Anyway, I have had no foot problems in the time since, thankfully.  I think of my ankles and feet honestly as unbelievably strong.  Next time you watch any gymnastics on TV, watch the close ups of the gymnasts feet on the balance beam.  Those toes are like GRIPPERS. Anyway, long story short, I was training someone, doing high single leg jumps with them and, I must have been distracted or I have no idea, I literally came down AT 90 degrees on my ankle. I heard it.  I thought it was broken. I was frozen in shock and wanted to puke and also essentially was still working… ha… so I quickly ended that session- it was just 5 minutes to go, dragged myself to my freezer for ice and still had my eyes bugging out of me thinking, can I Just go back and NOT DO THAT??!!!

So, I cannot backtrack.  I cannot run for approx. 4 weeks apparently. And so I’m highly bummed about that.  I’m bummed because I love it, because I have plans, because I Had spent January and February until I got the flu really training myself solid and getting into a fitness level that I was proud to be consistently working at. AND, I know I’ll lose my run fitness. HOWEVER…. Within 24 hours, I thankfully, was able to adjust my mindset to an athlete’s mindset that I try to follow when I am coaching people who are injured or at a setback.  It is disappointing, but you can ALWAYS LOOK TO THE OPPORTUNITY.  So, I made myself do the same thing.  What is the opportunity here, Sharon? How can I continue to FULLY SHOW UP day to day for myself.

And: there is an opportunity.  There are MANY.

There is an opportunity to train much harder and more consistently on the bike.  I don’t have to “share” my training time with running right now, so I can really get in some good hours on the bike. I can do an “experiment” in what it is like training harder on the bike than on the run.

There is an opportunity for strength and more core and more other things that I love (handstands and yoga).

And this is a chance to practice handling hard things. (I mean, there is frankly enough hard things going on in the world and my life already at the moment and I don’t really need this addition, but here it is, so… I will learn from this). I will practice being resilient with my mindset, not giving up, but just taking a pivot and side road to get to the same destination.  I am seeing the positives- OH MY GOODNESS I realize how lucky I am: so lucky this did not happen in the summer, lucky it wasn’t closer to my marathon in Kauai, lucky it didn’t happen when I was hiking by myself on a mountain in Kauai! GOSH, I do feel thankful for those things AS WELL AS EVEN MORE INSPIRED to do all the rehab- all the things in my power to make sure that I have done my work in strengthening these ligaments that are now more susceptible to a future sprain and ankle roll. So, I’m on it.  I’m fired up. Last blog post, I wrote from this place of calm contentment in my training and outcomes.  I am now fiercely and furiously motivated to attack my days with all the things possible that I can do to get back on track, in the short term and in the long term. I feel almost like I am being reminded of who I am in my core, my essence, the days of Sharon the one who will rise to strength and not let disappointments be the end of my story.

I’m excited and interested to see where this takes me.

For now, I’ll be on my bike, in the pool with a pull buoy, and staying strong, SHOWING UP FULLY FOR MYSELF.

RACING INTO 2025

 

RACING INTO 2025.

Well, here I am, 2 months into 2025.

I have a race scheduled for next weekend- one I’ve been really excited for- the Richmond ½. I’ve never done it before, I love Richmond, I love doing new races, I love having a REASON to be on my treadmill for long distances in the winter. And I have done that WEEKLY. I’ve been proud of my weekly commitment to my training plan and listening to my body, pushing myself, being fully consistent.  I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I’ve been working hard.

I also have been sick the past near 2 weeks. Not sure what it started with, but it hammered me again 4 days ago and I tested positive for flu b. And I’m at this point not pushing a single thing. I just want to honor the sickness and heal well.

That leaves me unsure of next weekend.

Goals, purposes, intentions obviously are changed. And that is ok. As long as it is healthy, I am honestly completely aware of my need to listen to my body and do the very right thing.  So, that means, I have to open my mind to the possibility of going to this event and maybe literally just jogging my way through 13.1 miles.  Even doing that might in all honesty be quite a success. 6 days away and today I’m not even going to jog a mile because I know my lungs are not ready though, so there is also the possibility that I may not be able to healthily go and do this thing. Which is also something I need to begin settling in my head and heart.  I don’t like one bit signing up for a race that I don’t do.  (I’ve unfortunately done this previously and not loved it. Those are different stories- but there was a reston triathlon that I signed up for, drove to the parking lot and it was pouring and I Just thought, this is not my idea of fun and I WENT BACK HOME! I’ll never forget that! Also there was a wine country half marathon that was pouring rain and I decided to skip because it was just going to be a drenched mud slog and again, I just don’t regret missing those 2 events!)

So, I had begun my year training strong, have had a health setback, and now I am preparing to pivot into an unknown week of just being open to finding what is right for me. I of course am not someone who loves not sticking with a plan, not KNOWING what is coming up, and also not being able to plan day by day as I am kind of just listening to how I feel right now. It is life and overall, I’m lucky to have this setback now rather than in the summer.  (please I am praying so fervently to not be sick during summer or before my aug/sept travel!)

So, this only brings me to what I need to keep my feet on: what are the things I can control right now. And those are:

*WRITING THIS: it helps me make sense of things and be measured and to sort things out in my head and heart.

*EATING HEALTHY, DRINKING LOTS OF FLUIDS, RESTING, CALMING MY NERVOUS SYSTEM, doing anything I can for immunity.

*GETTING OTHER THINGS DONE NOW.  I am not spending hours on my feet right now, so I can spend some of that time getting other things done that I don’t want to when it is summer and I’m in top mode fitness function.

 

So those things will get me through this initial beginning of March frustration with having been sick and I know I need to look FURTHER FORWARD now.

BIG GOAL OF THE YEAR RACING WISE IS: to stay fit and healthy through the summer so that I can run the Kauai marathon at the end of August.

I am registered for ½ IM (70.3) in PA which is a NEW TO ME race (in mid June) and I’m intrigued by it and excited to have it on the calender. It is a hilly bike and run.  I have no goals of being fast in this race, my goal is to train to complete it well. Obviously it is going to be hard, I know I won’t “feel well” through the whole thing, but I want to be strong enough to grit through it and be stronger because I trained consistently and hard through the next 3 months (starting asap after this health setback) and also the race itself is always another notch in fitness.  You will always be stronger after completing a race.

So then I will have 10 weeks until marathon to take a step back week and recover from 70.3 and then carry on with my long runs, swim/strength/cycling.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to do 2 of my favorite races (Luray Tri as well as Annapolis 10 Miler) because I don’t know yet when my kids will be moving into college this fall and we will have 2 of those move in times, so that is just off the radar for now.

I love doing Wine Country 1/2  which is 5/31, however I am not yet registered and have this hesitation because it is around the time of graduation, end of school year, so much with schedules and I know I’ll be also trying to get long bike rides in. So, that “filler, fun run” is being considered, as well as Culpeper Tri which was just one of my FAVORITE DAYS of last years summer! I’ll see how things are going, I just don’t want to over-reach and in any way jeopardize my ability to run in Kauai.

Now, I want to cycle back to the interesting thing about this years races. It is not escaping me that I just don’t have this huge urge to “perform”. Like I want to BE FIT.  I want to get out and do hard things and struggle and do my best in training each day of my plan so that I am in the best possible shape on race day.  However, for example, in Kauai- I do not intend to blast my body. (a marathon will be enough of a blast). I’d like to run without walking, HOWEVER, I am completely open to the possibility of walking and pausing and reveling in my surroundings.  And that seems to be really my thought for the 70.3PA race also- I want to have no doubts that I did my work in preparation and I want to work hard on race day, but more importantly, safely and smart. I just find it interesting that there really isn’t even a percentage of me that thinks “RACE MINDSET”. I feel happy to be engaging in the sports I enjoy, mostly so that each week, I get to get out for my intensity run intervals that I like to do, some hill repeats, some easy and aerobic fun times, my long workouts on the weekends. I’m proud of myself to not be scared to be slower than I ever have been. I feel as if my mental standpoint is at a place of “intensity in the training and build- get gritty in the day to day, so that I can revel in the feeling of fitness and awe at my events”!

As always, writing this was helpful to myself, to iron out some thoughts along the way. I think it may not be the most organized writing, but it sure did organize what are my benchmarks of fun for the year!

BASICS OF NUTRITION: The quick and easy and never changing.....

 

BASIC NUTRITION NUTS AND BOLTS

I want to keep this as short as possible.  Obviously it could be a book. Nutrition can seem like SO MUCH. So many plans, philosophies, numbers, timing, adaptogens, supplements, all the things.

It’s so complicated. And also, so simple.

THINGS THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE:

*You will not get fat from eating fruit. Or eating fruit at certain times of day.  I challenge you to show me someone who got fat from eating too many apples. Oranges. Whatever. (also bananas aren’t going to make you fat, I cannot talk of this further0.

*You do not need to “cleanse” (if you have working organs, your body gets rid of stuff it doesn’t need).

*Attempt to get as much of your nutrition from FOOD SOURCES as possible, rather than supplements, where vitamins and minerals are absorbed in combinations that naturally occur together in certain foods. Then, fill in the gaps.

*Fresh food is always better than packaged AND YES: we live in a world where we will eat packaged food so just try to eat fresh in situations where it is possible.

*Most of us know 1-2 nutritional changes that we really should work on, so acknowledge those things and make a plan, including hydration.

THE BASICS:

EAT IN MODERATION. An occasional treat is not going to ruin your body composition.

2 QUESTIONS TO ALWAYS ASK YOURSELF when eating a snack or meal: 1. What is my protein or calcium 2. What is my fruit or vegetable.  (A snack of an apple is not adequate- pair it with a protein or calcium).

PLAN AHEAD! WASH and PREP FOOD! (This takes like 20 minutes on a Sunday to maybe boil eggs, make quinoa to add to salads, prep overnight oats containers, wash/chop veggies to have available to use. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE HUNGRY to plan or eat!

DO NOT EAT IN ONE DAY IN A WAY THAT YOU COULDN’T maintain for the rest of your life.

CARBS ARE NOT AN ENEMY (especially if you exercise, and you obviously should). Obviously don’t overdo, maintain balance, and choose QUALITY/whole grains.

FOCUS ON INCLUSION VERSUS EXCLUSION: PRIOTIZE getting IN what you need rather than making a huge mental focus on statements of things to avoid.

Protein: lean proteins, every time you are eating, there should be some protein (and fiber)

Fiber: check labels- make this a priority to accumulate

Plants/veggies/fruits: every single day try to get as close to 5 fruits and 5 veggies daily!

Whole grains: these are not bad for you!  And they have many more nutrients that you won’t get if you are avoiding!

Healthy fats: add PB to a smoothie, avocado to sandwich/salad, fish high in omega 3 regularly.

Heartache

 Maybe not my most uplifting writing, but it's been a hard few weeks.

“Heartbreak is what happens when love is lost.”

“To love with any level of intensity and honesty is to become vulnerable.”

“Heartbreak is unavoidable unless we choose not to love at all.”

-Joe Reynolds

Oh, my heart.

I was 16 when my heart was broken. I remember lying in bed, in the dark of night, wondering if I would die of the pain in my body. In my chest. I realized it was my heart. That the word “heartache” wasn’t just a word. I realized mine literally was physically broken. I could literally feel it. I had no idea if this was normal.

34 years later, I feel these similar feelings- not the personal depth, but the pangs of the heart. It is hard to describe. The sharp intensity of angst, the corners of despair. And now I know. This is my heart and it’s doing what it does. The flight crash last week in DC brings back my internal horror of 9/11. My terror of what so many people are dealing with in the dark of the night. So many families and friends are laying there with these cells just dying within. And it seems like it is a slow tearing, like heartbreak is actually a torture of the heart.  It isn’t the rip of a band aid and done. It is there, slowly staying.

And you learn to live, knowing what is going on inside. You realize you aren’t the only human that has ever felt this and you won’t be the last. AND… that you are alone in the feelings of your heart.

You go to work the next day, the bus stop, the grocery store, for a walk, and you realize that you are on your own island, figuring out how to do this alone. There will be no one coming to save you. Nothing can turn reality around. You will never unlearn this, you can never unfeel this.

I’ve always been “too sensitive”.  To me, what an insult. That means soft, not strong. That means I’m not strong enough to weather the storm, that I’m a liability, the weak link.

But I realize now. I realize now the power of the vulnerability to feel so much, care so much, connect so much, human so much. We are all one. I am you. I share your pain and heartache. I see the story of your loved one, I see the story of your humanity.  I see perfection in the imperfect lives and families and stories that were lost. My cells are tearing, the walls are seeping their powerhouses and strength. I cannot live without being connected, even to those I do not know. I am unknowingly carrying, or wanting, to help carry a segment of this loss. I know it personally, I am you; I am of this world. I’ve picked myself up and figured out how to somehow stand up in the morning, to just go one more day.

“The brokenhearted are the bravest among us- they dared to love.” -Brene Brown.

Our country is at a crisis point I never imagined. My insides are reeling, there is always grief under anxiety. My heart is doing its thing.  For all those who have come before us and lived the ideals of our nation.  Who have served, worked, believed in, trusted, risked and LIVED the ideals of our country. And, we seem to be seeing, day by day, there is no one coming to save us.  Noone to stand up for what has been fought for and died for. The intensity of these days is not lost on me, and I am living it alongside so many.

And I’ll take it. I will find my way. I accept it.  You cannot shut out grief and heartbreak without also shutting out the possibility of joy and love. What I am holding onto as the way to wake up and carry on is the fact that we can only control where we put our attention, where we focus our own energy.  And I am choosing to continue putting my attention and energy in the things I love about the world, the way I like to be in the world, the joys that I love experiencing and sharing with others. I want to continue waking up with delight at the day, what I get to do and share and be a part of.  Every day, I try to remember to say a morning prayer of “Dear God, thank you for the gift of this day” and that is how I want to continue living my days in this world, seeing the gift, seeing the glimmers of hope and possibility and joy and love. I will find refuge in living with a full, open and brave heart. Life is both brutal and beautiful.

The Sound of Silence, the gift of quiet.

 

How ironic to have so much to say about silence. I have to actually wonder what people think of me in terms of if I am quiet or loud.  I am super quiet.  I am also loud. And very often, I enjoy silence.  I’m quiet in meeting new people, large groups and I try to be quiet when I’m listening to people.  I’m LOUD when I am speaking sometimes (sometimes I think it is too harsh and loud sounding when I hear myself) but I also am thankful that I can project my voice.  And many of you know I love silence.  Silence often coincides with my alone time.  As an introvert, my heart flutters just thinking of these times! 

I travel alone usually once a year. I’ve had people ask me if I get bored being by myself. And I looked at them like they had a zillion heads.  Oh my gosh NO. I love being by myself, I don’t have to be careful, ask anyone else when or what they want to eat, if I am being too much, too active, too this or that.  I am purely myself. I frankly find that to be bliss.  I find though on these trips that it actually is interesting that when you are alone, you end up meeting people and having conversations more because people are more likely to talk to someone by themselves than obviously if I were with someone talking.  So, it is a nice way to get to have conversations with local people.  It is a nice blend with the silence of spending days on my own.  It is nice to be in nature, hiking and listening to the sounds of nature, letting my inner thoughts just run free. Somehow, letting this silence wash over me for some time, just feels refreshing. Any overwhelm just dissipates and clarity of my mind and heart connecting, being free, just reignites my energy.

It reminds me of going out for long runs.  I mostly run by myself. When training for long races, marathons, half ironmans (long time ago was the full ironman race)….  I spend hours with myself, hours both in my head but also just letting my mind dissociate.  I have learned how to do channel tools to manage this time on my own, how to focus inwards, how to focus outwards. How to manage situations that arise that I need to reorient how to keep on, how to calm, how to be with myself through challenges. Some runs, this silence is my favorite part of the run.  Other times, when things aren’t going well, I get FRUSTRATED and wish I had help, company, an escape route. But in the end, I think it is one of the great benefits of long distance training and endurance sports is to learn these lessons of figuring out the strength within to trust yourself, to make it work, to sometimes just survive!

In the past 6 months, I Had hours and hours of silence as I drove from VA to NY when my mom was in the hospital, and then died. The first trip was shock, panic, despair, unknown, worry, confusion.  I first called my sweet daughter, Phoebe, to make sure she knew what was happening.  I knew I needed to be strong for her and it strengthened me.  After that, I drove in silence.  I talked to a few friends along the way, but it was 7 hours of silence other than those few phone calls.  I love music, podcasts… but I did not want anything in my ears. It was strange. I could not dare turn on the radio. My heart literally needed silence.  Have you ever had that experience? There was so much stimulation that I Honestly just could not take more.

Sometimes my mind was reeling.  Sometimes it was still. I drove back after my mom died. 7 more hours of silence. Allowing time, stillness and silence to do its work. There could literally be no distractions or stimulation.

Over the past 2 years I have begun listening to podcasts while I run/walk. I am so thankful for them and enjoy them.  However, there are times when I just know.  I need silence. Nothing in the ears. I need  my ears to be all in connection with my heart.  I need my ears to be open to the air, the nothingness. I remember in Maui this past April hiking alone and hearing the silence and thinking, “silence is a sound”!! The sound of the air, the palms, the universe connecting to your heart. Have you ever heard that sound?

I have people who sometimes tell me that they cannot come to my yoga class because they cannot be “with themselves” for an hour. I think those are the people that need to come the most!  (and not for flexibility reasons). We (myself included) can get so used to having constant external pings on our system- stimulation coming from everywhere, that it becomes even that much more important to practice the skill of being present. I sometimes try to not even say “focused” because that sometimes sounds like it is this rigid way of intensity and just can seem like you need to be focused on something, but what?!  I like to think of it as more of a soft focus, or just simply awareness of the moment. Can you be with yourself?

I went last weekend to a “float spa”- salt water- sensory deprivation, temperature of water and air match, darkness. There were so many things that were interesting (that is for another conversation). But I will tell you for sure:  If I did not do yoga- I literally would NOT have been able to stay in that float spa for 55 minutes. To be with yourself and be able to just be.  That sometimes takes practice. But, also, what a beautiful thing.  To be “at home in yourself”.  To be able to find that place where all you need is yourself. To be able to hear your breath and heart. That is really, honestly a lot. But what a celebration and bliss of life to be able to be with yourself. I really was proud and thankful that I had the skill and had put in the work to be where I am.  I have said to my kids and my classes and clients, “be where your feet are” because I know how important that is.  But really, also, be where you find your heart.  Life is fleeting. How lucky we are, and sometimes I find the miracle is best felt in this space of being able to be fully in connection with myself in silence.

I sometimes hear the sound of silence and realize it is the sound of life, and it reminds me of the quote by Ruth Haley Barton, “We are starved for quiet, to hear the sound of sheer silence that is the presence of God himself.” This past year, hiking in silence in Maui, I paused in exhilaration as I really felt the presence of communication in the sounds of the wind in my ears, the literal air felt like it was speaking to me, actually hugging me. And, thankfully, I was present to be in awareness of this miraculous gift.

BOTH YES AND NO!

 

Both YES and NO

I turn 50 years old this year and I have a list of 50 things that I am excited to do in the year.  It’s somewhat a year of saying “YES” to things that I’ve hesitated on, put aside as a non-priority, and now I’m deciding to be unapologetically prioritizing these experiences, memories and opportunities. I am reminding myself to very much say YES to delights, curiosities and things that tug at my heart and stir my soul. I think saying yes can be important, even when sometimes it is scary, when it feels self-indulgent, or even unnecessary. So, at the beginning of the new year, it’s been exciting to turn the page and go after some of my “bucket list” items and pursue some of the goals I have for the year.

It is always so controversial (eye roll) talking about new year, new years resolutions, those who believe in setting “resolutions” and those who say, you are fine and worthy as you are!  AND YES, I also believe that we are worthy as we are! We don’t need to become more or less of ourselves to be worthy.  AND I also believe that it is hugely gratifying to many people to live in an intentional way, aware of our highest aspirations!  To work towards our truest self, towards our highest visions, and what is important to us!  So, I just refuse to hear, honestly, how resolutions are bad, that they set us up to devalue ourselves. I think, on the other hand, it shows how much we value every day as a way to live our lives with heart awareness.

I wonder sometimes if the word “resolution” is part of the problem. I think the word resolution can be confused with willpower—like I am going to WILL MYSELF against all my might to… make this thing happen… that is so hard and against the grains of my bones.  Like giving something up for the 40 days of Lent- I resolve to eat no chocolate or to cut something out, or I resolutely promise to make something more important to me than it really is.

I don’t think of my “Yes’s” or my new years “resolutions” as a matter of WILLPOWER, but rather a matter of delight and desire.  I want to work my way towards this goal.  I want to try to swing on a trapeze and try new things, so I will honor myself and do these things!

I recognize that, for myself at least, sometimes it is scary to say YES to something.  It makes me vulnerable to admit I have a goal, and I want to work towards it. Of course it is vulnerable to have a goal, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong, or bad, or that I am not honoring myself in the present moment!

I think it is important at times in our life to say YES even when we are scared. And, on the flip side, I think it is equally important to learn, practice and be brave enough to say NO. Sometimes NO is even braver. The day of my trapeze class, a young girl was there and presumably wanted to try swinging on the trapeze.  For the entire 2-hour class, she got up the ladder, stood there, began to cry, and came back down (the ladder…. Not off the trapeze). And, if I’m being honest, I had to think that she may have been the bravest of all that day. What courage it takes to say, especially when you are the only one, (maybe some of the current US Senators should take notice), no, this is not right for me, and my brave is a resounding NO for today. I trust myself enough to say NO.  In fact, in order to say YES, sometimes you need to say NO to other things that are in the way. Maybe spending my time scrolling social media is getting in the way of other things that are more of a priority for me and I need to say NO to some of the time I find myself wasting.

So, I write this with excitement for the Yes’s and the No’s to come!  The journey towards goals, the energy and spark that it gives me to have a path… a path that can of course be shifted, reoriented and changed, but let’s see what some of the new adventures bring!

 

What are you saying YES to this year? What are you saying NO to?

LESSONS FROM THE TRAPEZE

 

LESSONS from the TRAPEZE SWING!

Ohhhh boy!! This was a day.

Over 10 years ago, I heard about this circus school in the city that had trapeze classes.  I was of COURSE intrigued and wanted to go.  But- there was always a reason why not- of course I don’t want to go in summer when I can be outdoors in the sunshine. I also didn’t want to do anything weird with my hips or back and have a situation where my back was already off and then I landed in a way that tweaked my body into injury for work and my other passions.

So I waited. Far too long.  Since I am turning 50 this year, I am on a quest to check off some boxes of things I really want to do! And this was a TOP priority- new year- winter- my back is fine right now.  I signed up. That was the easy part!

I signed up about a week and a half before the class was to be held, and the 24-48 hours after signing up, I started thinking… what in the world have I done?! What if I get there and cannot even hold onto a trapeze swing, or what if I literally cannot step off and take a first swing! I legit had FEAR. And that was another sign to me…. I NEED TO DO THIS.  Of course, I know that fear isn’t comfortable, but when I feel fear, I realize that if I do not do it, I will create a story for myself that I cannot do something, and that will become honestly a slippery slope leading me to not do more and more things. I have noticed over the past 10 years as I’m aging that I do have little hints of fear once in a while- I love traveling solo, but I also sometimes get this hesitation/fear like what if I cannot do this trip alone, or handle things on my own, and it reminds me that I NEED to do this😊 I realize now that I was already in this space of “imaginary fear”- of having front and center of my mind the fear of the POSSIBILITY of things that could go wrong.

Anyhow, the day arrived and I made my way to the city, having really no idea what I was in store for. I actually had no idea that it was literally in a circus tent! They had heaters, but if I go again I think I would try to not go on such a cold day- the winds outside were gusting and you could totally see it whipping the tent material! I parked (that was a little issue, but all worked out fine) and made my way to my lesson.

The others in my group were mostly newbies also except a young girl of 7 years old who had done this before! They got us belted up in these safety belts and we went over for I think they called it “ground training” which was hanging on a low trapeze bar.  I’m not really sure what the training here was- I think mostly for them to see if we could actually hold our body weight on a bar?  Because we got on and didn’t do anything or swing here, we just hopped down and that was all. We were now onto the MAIN EVENT.

MY FIRST TIME:

Well- first climbing the ladder was its own not small event.  It was high and I honestly had some doubts that I might not even be able to climb to the top of the ladder.  I did, whew! I was telling myself just don’t look down.

Onto the platform. Ok- this is not a huge platform- you have to shimmy around this small ladder on it that you can hold on to. They put your new safety harness clips on your belt as you hold that ladder.  Then there is a tool on a pole with a hook that catches the trapeze bar and pulls it in… BUT NOT ENOUGH!  The worker up there was holding the back of my belt and I was supposed to put toes on edge and lean my hips forward and reach with one arm to catch the bar with my right hand first (while the left held the other ladder). I could not reach it. He kept telling me to lean my hips/straighten my left arm, hang forward, and I was VERY reluctant, and also didn’t really quite understand that I was really supposed to basically put all of my body weight forward and that he was intending to hold my whole body weight.  I really thought at this point, “SHIT- I cannot even GRAB the BAR!” Finally, I got myself to lean enough to grab with right hand.  He said now left. I thought I was going to vomit. My hands are sweating even as I type this. I don’t know how I ended up getting myself to let go of my sturdy ladder and put my left hand on the trapeze swing, which is out into the abyss of airspace, and I guess from there, I think there is literally no backing out, I’m going. As I lean, I feel like I’m going to vomit either from fear or the huge pressure of that safety belt smooshing my insides under my rib cage.  There legitimately were 10 seconds where my whole fear turned into embarrassment about the possibility of me contaminating the circus net with getting sick.

They made the “call” READY and I was supposed to bend my knees in half squat.

Then “Hep” is the call for GO and then we are supposed to jump.  I think my first step was some feeble lean into the before mentioned abyss of air space and WHOOOOOAAAAA ACROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TENT I FLY! So, we really weren’t instructed on what to do once we were swinging, HA!!! You would have thought someone would have asked “how will I get DOWN?” I mean I know the net was under us to get down onto, but I didn’t really know- what is the plan for this swing!

This is how things proceeded: after my big first arc of a swing she calls out, “KNEES IN”. I was supposed to tuck my knees to chest and put knees on top of the bar by the time I got to other side.  I don’t even honestly recall if I got there in time, but then she calls “Hands OFF”.  I am not joking.  UPSIDE DOWN across the air space I go and I am letting go?  I am pretty sure I missed the exact time/ maybe took an extra swing?  I did though at one point, and then she calls, “Hands ON” and we pull ourselves back to hands, take feet out and When she calls “Let go” or something, I remember being like, eeeeekkkk and just plop to the net below?!  Thank goodness the first time was the most scary. 

Watching other people try to grab the bar made me a little queasy also, but honestly they all looked like it was so easy.  An instructor came over and pulled me aside for some “remediation training” as she knew I was scared to the max up there.  She showed me how I was supposed to lean literally my ENTIRE BODY WEIGHT- like the purpose wasn’t to lean a little, but for the person to literally hold your weight until you go.  OK. That made more sense, and I was hoping that would make it easier for my hands to connect with the bar.

Gosh, I couldn’t believe I had to march up that ladder again.  I was worried I’d go through the same terror. I instructed the guy at the top that I had received some additional coaching and that I now knew he was going to hold my entire weight and I proceeded to instruct him...???..... "so I’m going to trust that you have got me just like she did down on the ground."  He calls right hand, and I take the bar. He says left hand and I begin to let him know…. That once again…. I apparently believed I was calling the shots here and that I wanted once again to remind him to hold my weight and I was now going to trust him and that I am NOW going to reach my left hand forward.  Got it.  I took my swing, everything so much better, I get my knees on quick, I release my hands, arch my back on the swing, hands back on, well now she is calling “3 Kicks into a back flip off”… I start kicking and then look over and say “WHAT????” like--- you didn’t tell me when my feet were on solid ground that I’d be doing a back flip dismount.  I feel like even though I’ve done this off of bars before I need some instruction here- I mean I am over 30 years past gymnast years now.  Nope, she says go - 3 kicks and then release hands to back flip!

Mercy. I did it. Couldn’t believe it. I come off the net and she says so much better, but, here is your goal for next time- Let the guy up there do his job.  You don’t need to tell him how to do it, let’s work on your trust issues!  I could have DIED LAUGHING… Yes, you had me here for 10 minutes and have me pegged.

Next time up, I was finally getting the hang of this and the confidence that I COULD trust, I could lean in, I can let go, that the teachers know what they are doing, I don’t need to be doubting!  I am simply supposed to listen to their calls and DO. Stop thinking. It reminded me almost about the moment before a race- the gun goes off- you don’t sit around waiting and wondering.  It’s your signal. And it reminded me that the worst part, the hardest part, is the mental chatter BEFORE the gun, before the start. When you are IN it, you can trust yourself, while you are doing your thing.  But the beforehand is this space of not doing where doubts and fears reside when you aren't  “in the body” but “in your mind”.  Nothing good happens in the mind! I’ve heard there are 70,000 thoughts that go through our mind in a typical day. That is 70,000 choices of what to listen to. It’s a reminder that we are not our thoughts, it is what we choose to pay attention to, what we choose to feed ourselves through continuing those thoughts as we weave them into stories.  My stories often end up unfortunately in the doubting myself category; in thinking I have to go further and more than anyone else to just scrape by, assuming I am below, beneath, undeserving.  This trapeze situation revealed, once again, my reluctance to trust myself and a trepidation to fully embody self confidence. I see it, I own it, I'm a big huge work in progress.

 After the instructor called me out, I began watching the scene as it was unfolding around me and how others were handling the situation in different ways, how the instructors knew what they were doing, were calling out instructions that were meant to be acted on at that moment for timing purposes (rather than first having a pause to have inner negotiations). I started to integrate and see these lessons that were right before my eyes that I am capable, I can count on myself, I can count on this community.

I also realized once I was called out on it- that at least in this instance, I had to rely on others. Ohhhh, that is a hard one for me. But there would be NO trapeze swinging if I didn’t allow help, like it or not.  I had to let it go right then and there.  Allow help and trust. I couldn’t even spend my time pondering this, I just had to begin feeling it.

I’m so glad that I finally said YES to this, YES to myself and the types of things that bring me through challenges and also great joy! Opportunities like this give us opportunities to PRACTICE BEING BRAVE, to practice stepping off into the unknown, to have no regrets. My list of 50 things for this year isn't full of events as exciting as the trapeze, but all are worth making time for, and I am FULLY EXCITED to make things happen!  I won't forget the trapeze day, if anyone wants to go, I'm up to go again!