2017 year in recap: ahhhh 2017….. you were… so… ugh…
special. (a sidenote: clearly this is just
personal recap- not including family... so no comments about--- you are selfish and not addressing your role in life as a mom, which of course is my #1).
The YEARLY QUICK VERSION:
Best race: Luray Triathlon- august… BEST RACE AND BEAUTY
and family day.. literally a 10/10.
Worst race: Annapolis 10 Miler- I’ve never spent 10 miles
focusing on how to not start/quit.
Moment I am pretending never
happened: That I left the Eagleman site and wasn’t there to get a rolldown slot
to World Championships.
Unforgettable moments: being dry needled silly all year until I felt
a zap of electricity and now am terrified of this treatment, paddleboarding in
the ocean on both beautiful and CRAZY weather days- literally being airborne
with my paddleboard going over crazy waves, riding in my first races with my
new Quintana Roo bike…. (I’m sorry “Black Lightning”…. We will have some better
outcomes next year…), volunteering for some local races and seeing different
perspectives of these events that I love!
Proud of: doing 2 races in the "open" division this year and being 4th place- JUST OUT OF $$ spot! I'm so proud of signing up in this division, showing up as best as I could ask for, and having FUN!
I started the year very dedicated to my goals. Run/tri/performance goals were centered
almost exclusively on .. of course…. EAGLEMAN.
In a nutshell, I trained exactly as I wanted. Going into the race I was more fit than I may
have ever been, and it just didn’t pan out.
I still LOVED so many of my races this year and continue to love the
sport, but I feel like I’ve had the most DOWNS this year in
triathlon/running/training than in the past 10 years. It mostly just felt like things weren’t
“clicking.”
Since the beginning of the year, I struggled to keep my back
and hip in some sort of conversation to keep me able to even move on some days. At time I could run for hours, and some days
I literally could not put on shoes. Or
move my right leg from the gas pedal to the brake. Or then get OUT of said car. I had a hard time with my training schedule
and finding out what would work, and that some days I expected to do a certain
workout, but seemed to very often be pushing workouts around if I just couldn’t
physically move well that day. I still
do not know if it is:
1.
Aging?
Or
2. The many unfortunate things
that showed up on my back and hip MRIs when I finally had them done in early December: (torn
hip labrum/impinged facet joint/trochanteric bursitis/hamstring
tendonitis/pubic bone structure diminishing; back with 2 herniations, one is
pressing on a nerve root).
But I am hoping to handle it better this next year. I have learned that I definitely cannot:
*do 2 intensity workouts day after each other/whereas I used
to do this when needed because of logistical/schedule reasons
*sometimes it doesn’t make sense for me to run on a day when
my back is talking to me… or hip…
*I’ve learned that I cannot skip a day of doing core
exercises and yoga. I’m doing at least
15-20 min of yoga/day.
*I currently cannot kick in the pool. It took me months to figure this out. With always thinking the pool is so good on
joints, I had a hard time believing this, but I need to just sit back and
listen.
I feel like this past year I’ve learned and listened to my
body in a way I never have needed to previously. Some of you know, but I’ve actually been
super worried that there was something very WRONG- auto-immune/ or some major inflammatory
markers or something. Blood tests so far
reveal that everything is okay in that department, so I think it is really a
combination of managing the above 2 things. (aging and all of the physiological
things—herniations/ tears/impingements/ bursitis’/tendonitis, bleh).
As always though, I believe so strongly that sports are
really just a manifestation of our universe…. A glimmer of our life lessons…
little parables to sometimes just smack us right in the face.
This year was physically hard with my body not working, but
it also bled into my heart and mind. Maybe
it is feeling physically/bodily old that made me consider mid life
questions. Maybe it is the conflicting
desires of the nooks and crannies in my heart that are soul shattered by the
world that we live in and the other nooks that remain so naïve and blissfully
hopeful. I’ve been saddened to learn
things I didn’t want to learn this year- things I didn’t think possible,
imagines I’ll never forget, things people have said both to me and around
me. People that are gone. Events that have happened. I’m sensitive. I’m passionate.
I worry about my legacy. (yes, maybe this is just mid life
crisis). I worry about not being who I
dreamed I would be, who I wanted to be, expected of myself. I wonder if I cannot continue with my triathlon
passion and striving for my goals, what the essence of myself is. I know I am more than just an athlete, but it
is also part of me that I don’t want to lose. I've never been me without being an athlete. It creates so much happiness in my heart that I don’t know what I’d
replace that with. I worry because I’m
not as hard working and over the top focused on my job and MORE MORE MORE MORE
hours and training and opportunity. I’m
thankful of the lessons I’ve learned in the past 5 years that have brought my
life to a heart shattering, brake screeching halt… but I sometimes worried it took
the entire steam and oomph and force out of me.
On one hand, I know it is a GOOD thing—I value my priorities and how I
have arranged my family time, my personal time, my work time, my community
time, my life time. But it has changed,
so that makes me always second guessing my work ethic versus my laziness!
I worry that I may not be as completely, selfishly fulfilled
as I had wanted to be at this stage of my life.
I miss being age 20, my time of being so fully engaged and challenged, my
intensity to prove myself, crushing my expectations for myself.
But I acknowledge that I also am able to finally realize
that I don’t need to prove myself. (and
never really did)(actually maybe I did- to myself).
I don’t need to prove myself, but I am required and humbled
to use the talents I’ve been given. I
have spent time wondering once again….what are my talents? I’m not trying to be negative, but… I
sometimes am feeling like I’m not even sure anymore what I am good at or will I
be good at? I didn’t think I’d be asking
those questions at this age.
One thing I have learned I am not good at/or good at… is my
passion for looking out for those suffering.
My heart breaks for those whose hearts are breaking. And… ohhhh in such a not good way. I allow myself and my heart to be broken far
harder than it can handle, and I struggle emotionally with not being able to
“fix” things- the world, situations, people’s losses. I expect myself to somehow absorb other
people’s pain and help them that way. A
part of me breaks and I don't grow back stronger.
I’ve learned this fall, through slowing down physically to
allow myself to begin to unlearn some of my tendencies. I’ve learned this fall to actually take
walks. They have to be slow for my hip,
but I’ve allowed myself to just walk sometimes (and not run)! It honestly feels silly to me. I’m 42 and I don’t know how to “take a walk”
for exercise. I can walk to the bus stop
because there is a destination, but I’ve learned the joy in a 15 minute walk to
just be outside in the air, to enjoy the world, to calm my nervous system, to
be, to thank God for this breath, this day, this space, His plan.
I’ve learned to do yoga daily with no plan other than to
follow where my breath and body take me.
I’ve learned to take a nap, and to some extent to teach
myself to wake up from a nap not angry at myself and speaking meanly to myself
the rest of the day for being so lazy.
And to not let taking a nap write a script to myself that “there is
something wrong with me.” That people
can be fatigued. That everyone needs
sleep.
I am slowly learning to begin to have confidence that I am
okay. Fully okay. All of me.
I am good and positive. It is
strange getting to the place where we can see back some experiences that have
led us to question our inherent goodness.
I’ve learned to begin having less doubts of myself, to be
quiet inside my mind enough to feel my own strength.
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