2018 Eagleman DNF. 20
years now of triathlons and this is my 3rd DNF. 1st was when I walked out of the
water at Columbia tri back in maybe 2008/9 when I had bronchitis and the water
was like 60 degrees and my chest just got so tight I didn’t know if I would
die. 2nd was not running at
the 70.3 Savageman in Deep Creek, MD- this was during a time I had a huge
amount going on internally in fall 2011, making big family decisions and I
needed to be alone, quiet, and the lake honestly just looked so inviting to sit
by. (I seriously stopped, bought an ice
cream cone and sat by the lake trying to clarity on something big). And… this weekend is #3.
So, I swam well, biked well, and ran about 2.5 miles and
couldn’t gather any positive ness in my heart to continue. I was like “bored” with myself/ worried or
fearful of the impending pain? Not even
sure…
Here are some thoughts.
I feel like I quit due to maybe 5 things that were
overwhelming my brain with negative daggers.
1.
I’ll get
it out of the way and I’m sorry, and I know some people don’t want to hear it
and it sounds petty, but… it is my truth.
I am “chunky” for me this year and I had nothing to wear. Not joking.
Seriously. I’m never a FAN of my
body, but I’ve had a few years where I gathered resolve and let go of
inhibitions and wore a 2 piece because of the heat conditions and it worked
well and I was proud of myself for being brave.
This year, I detested the rolls that I saw coming out and was horrified
by myself. However, the one piece
swimsuit I could have worn- I don’t like that as much because when I throw a
cup of ice down my swimsuit, it doesn’t have the bra top to hold the ice, so
then it slides all the way down and doesn’t work. I seriously spent so much annoying time
trying to figure out what to wear. I had
nothing. I ended up wearing a 2 piece
and was fine until the run and then it was just horrifying me to run
through people who were able to see my stomach.
Plus, my fuel belt was annoying me and I had to hook this stupid pouch
onto it to hold a car key since I was by myself and while I was running the
part I ran, everything was moving around- my fuel belt didn’t feel attached
right and the bottles were moving and the damn pouch and on top of that I just
had too much negative energy going towards being embarrassed.
2.
So… backing up….. Eagleman has always been MY
RACE I LOVE to set goals for. Last year,
I was extremely disappointed after I trained and was at my VERY FITTEST EVER…
and… I didn’t stay for the slot rolldown to world championships and ended up
missing my spot. I was a bit devastated,
so I was all negative on doing Eagleman. I didn’t register for awhile, then
decided, no I love Eagleman and it is tradition and I’ll just do it as a long
training day in the sun!! WITHOUT
TRAINING FOR IT! So I won’t be emotionally invested, etc… Then about 3 weeks ago I thought, omg, that
really isn’t SMART to do this race without fully training, but I knew I could
do it…. I did a ½ marathon last weekend and felt AWESOME and enjoyed it and was
so hopeful to just continue channeling that this weekend….. HOWEVER…. Something
I’ve realized maybe after DNF’ing today was… I don’t really think I do well
when I’m not FULLY FOCUSED. I do much
better BEING invested, I enjoy it more.
I don’t like to be out “in a race” “having a long training day”… I just
don’t find myself motivated by that….. I think also in the past few years, I
haven’t been RACING the bike portion which I used to. Yes, it used to tear my legs up even more,
but I used to LOVE and be so motivated by being fully 100% IN the race- racing
the bike, fierce and flying… I used to love that feeling. Now I’m like “riding safe.” Ewwwww.
Just doesn’t “thrill me.” I
honestly feel like I turn into a lazy mental mush pile. I know that sounds silly, but I just feel
blah. Like I’m just toodling around and
unmovitated. Playing it careful.. not fully 100% MENTALLY IN… just “waiting”,
“surviving” half-assing so I don’t die on the run? Thinking about the run before I’m on it?
3.
I really have no idea WHY…. But I was just
frankly ANNOYED at little things that I needed to let go of today. I got to race site early/parked, transition
was still closed and a bunch of us (crazy early people) were lined up WAITING
at 4:30am to get into transition. I’ve
always been there this early and it is always open. I like to get stuff in before crowds, then go
back and chill for a bit in my car, mentally focus, then go back for last
minute transition area stuff/bathroom… so I was “annoyed.” I felt annoyed by the change in the swim
start as well- it was ROLLING start—meaning-
no age group waves. Instead, you
position yourself where you “think” you are going to swim at a certain pace and
then like it was just people walking down there and going! So, it was so many more people going at the
same time - I just cannot understand why they think this is better—this way,
you have like 50 people who think they are all swimming the same pace for 1.2
miles… so then you are BUNCHED UP at the same pace?! THAT IS NOT SAFER! And I like how normally
you are all in your age group- full of very fast all the way to very slow and
then people just naturally spread out.
In addition- this way- you get to know during the race if you are ahead
of someone- it is because you are ahead- not just because you maybe started
earlier than someone in your age group etc….I lost the kind of mental attention
to: everyone in my age group started at
the same time, so if I’m behind someone, they are currently beating me.
THE MOST ANNOYING thing was a change to the
bike to run. OMG this race has gone on
for years with a simple transition that is totally fair- you bike in one corner
of transition and run out the other. No
issues. This year, they said to make
sure no one has to run any further than anyone else (which was never an issue
so not sure if it is new race director?) BUT: we got off of bike and had to RUN
our bike like almost an entire loop around transition- it was killing my
wrist/arm/shoulder to be holding my bike up and just honestly was the worst
ever. (and unnecessary). I should have easily been able to “let this
go” however.. and I couldn’t. I was just
annoyed…. (I do honestly have a problem being annoyed by stupid things… I wish
I didn’t, but if something just hasn’t been thought out well, I do not
understand why it happens). IN ADDITION-
there has been for at least 10 years- a bathroom on the way OUT of T2 to begin
the run. I had been waiting and planning
on this, but when I run out- it was on the OTHER SIDE OF THAT STUPID LONG
UNNECESSARY run with our bikes! So I
couldn’t like HOP the fence to go to the port o pot and then hop a fence back…
(plus, remember I am now running and trying to not draw attention to myself in
anyway just blend into the atmosphere since f am not feeling great about myself
and jut want to get back out into anonymity.) In the first 50 steps out of
transition, I am running and look down to see my energy stingers flying across
the road. Yep. One by one.
There was a hole in the freaking ziplock. Great.
Possibly the biggest kicker was when I get
to mile 1- yea yea yea- the port o pots were here, yea!! So I go over to them, and one is like totally
slanted downhill on this incline part of the grass and I quickly congratulate
myself for taking notice of that detail and choosing the other one, so I step
in and HOLY FREEAKING MOLEY- this one also must not have been stabilized… I am
literally going like swinging inside of this port a pot thinking I’m going to
tip, I GRAB this side wall and somehow knock one of my fuel flasks out of the belt,
and then freak out thinking it was my pouch with my CAR KEY IN IT and I think
“my key is going to be in the middle of the… well…. HOLE of the port o
pot”!!! (which it wasn’t, but in doing
this, I sway the port a pot back the other way apparently.. and I’m in there
literallyl screaming/kind of laughing/curse words…. Omg. It is ok though.. I go to the bathroom, kind
of annoyed when I get out because (on top of a port a pot nearly falling on me)
I now I have to repass all the people who I had already passed. I think a few
times over in my head, I’m not in this, I can still walk back, still
close. But then I know to just shut up
and keep running. I need to go to the bathroom again at mile 2. So, I go again. (these port a pots are stabilized better by the
way). In there, my stomach starts not
feeling great (but I’m not sure if I was halfway making it up in my head
because my mind games were really being strong). I get out and start running, still wishing
slightly to quit and be done. My hips
and back are always in the back of my mind, so I worry also that they will not
hold up for the 13. If they do… not sure
my stomach will hold up. feel one of my
hamstrings do it’s little slight awareness pull which reminds me to not push
too hard. I just honestly have these
visions of years past and the 100% mental fortitude it has taken to continue
and slog through survival to the finish.
And I think, I’m not having that 100% today, and then I am (again
AFRAID… fear… fear is a theme here I notice) going to have to get through rest
of my week feeling like crap, back and hip acting like I am 94 years old,
trying to have energy to get through my work week, etc. I just realize, I don’t have it. Or I’m not willing to be tested today?
4.
I’m also alone at this Eagleman. Again… And it is getting old- I’m tired of not
having my family theren I’m not trying
to make excuses, but it is so nice to have them there. I also am not coaching anyone doing the race
this year, didn’t travel with anyone, and it seems like I’m just alone. Always on my own. I know I should have more fierceness and
focus on my own, but I miss the big excitement of togetherness- family,
friends, etc. I’m just alone. I can quietly walk back to my car, put on a
tee shirt, and return my chip.
5.
Overall, I think I just failed to focus. Focus to me brings meaning, heart, passion,
it isn’t tiring to me, it is exhilarating. It is my WHY. I think by not GOING FULLY FOR IT like I
usually do, I lost MEANING. I think I
physically could have done well, I WAS doing well, but I cannot do something
without my heart attached. I realized
the night before, I didn’t even go over some of my “race info” meaning---
really break it down, go over my “mantras” that I had set, my intentions. That is unlike me, unfocused, something I
would never want any of the athletes I coach to do.
Finally, the final thought that I am
realizing the day after:
I feel EXCITED for my upcoming races this summer…..
which are shorter!! (oly. Distance)..
and maybe this was part of it also. I
usually finish Eagleman and no matter how
fit I was going in, I am essentially wrecked for 4-8 weeks after- NO speed in
my legs. I am hopeful that Eagleman this
year was just a blip and I can stay excited, even MORE excited about my
upcoming races. Maybe in the end, it
will be a blessing to remind me to train with heart, race only with heart, and
to be honest with my mind and body always. 
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