I typically write about fitness, yoga, training, but… it is really an open blog that I want to write because I kind of think of myself that way- I’m just a girl who is open to sharing whatever is my truth, my real, my joys and my sadness. I am nothing if I am not who I am out in the open. So, with that…..
How do you live with a broken heart? How is my heart so whole, so big, so full, but so broken?
Last week, I found out news that made me so very, terribly sad.
I luckily already had an appointment with my therapist and I cried my way in, and eventually came upon maybe one of the biggest questions, “what is wrong with me, why can I not let go”?
And the “answer” was gentle to my soul. There is nothing wrong with me. This is me. This is how my heart works, I’ve known this. I’ve been “sensitive” my whole life, and have grown to understand that this doesn’t make me bad or weak or flawed. It makes life harder sometimes because I feel so deeply. I get low -lows. And it sucks. But it also means I get beautiful, joyful highs and that I NOTICE and feel blessings from such small moments.
Heartbreak, as anything in life, I truly believe has a purpose. Even when we cannot see, do not understand, do not WANT to have a lesson taught to us…. It is somewhere there, and maybe we will see it someday…. Maybe not, but we can be open to hearing and listening for the purpose in our pain.
I don’t know what the purpose to some of the pain I’ve experienced in my life is. But I can realize that one of the ways I learned to cope is through exercise, fitness and moving. I always knew I just plain felt better when I moved. I learned so young in my life about depression and how to survive breath by breath. I did gymnastics of course, but that came to an end, and I knew I needed to keep moving. I remember walking, running (in like $2 kmart ked shoes), along the canal, around the neighborhood block, through town. I walked, ran, I listened to my Walkman, and I kept going. I had no endurance, but I built up. And I Just kept moving and I kept myself together through that. What a gift. It was ALL I had. I learned to depend on no one, except myself and my body.
It has led me to high highs of finishing races I never thought I’d be able to do, running and biking through cities and experiencing so much beauty in the world- through countrysides, mountains, swimming through beautiful lakes and kinda some scary grose rivers and alligator infested lakes.. (wtf was I thinking). It led me to high- highs of finishing marathons, an Ironman, countless other challenges.
And before it sounds all glorious, I am nothing if not true, like I said above. In all of this, I also experienced the lows…. I experienced training days where my body was just at the EDGE and over the edge of my capabilities, my energy level. I have felt the fatigue, my focus and commitment being challenged, and questioned my purpose. I have qualified for worlds, only to find out that I was moved one spot off by a drafting violation (when I really disagree that I drafted). I have woken up at insane hours to get in long trainer rides before 8am church, I have logged miles in the rain, cold, heat, wind that were not easy. I have pulled my bike to the side of the W and OD to break down in tears with major life changes and loss. I’ve experienced “life through sport.”
I’ve always said how much races mimic life. The will to endure through a race is nothing different than the will to persevere and persist in our daily lives. One blends into the other. We put our heart out to be vulnerable to the world and to live fully, and we feel the feels. We put our heart out into our goals and we also feel the feels.
Our most proud moments, come only after our hardest challenges.
The beauty of life arises from an open heart capable of love.
Joy shines after knowing the depth of despair.
We have lived after knowing heartbreak.
May you all know when reading this, that I am real, true, and will always be a friend who is there for you. You Matter so deeply to me.