When to "Call it"....

 

“When to call it”

So, I’m writing this at the end of a week of ughhhh.

I’ve been off- mentally, physically, energetically, the whole shebang.  I’ve tried to muster it up, put it back together, grasp onto any source of strength that I can to both keep myself going, but also provide for others- my family and also my work.  First clue this week was that I declared there wouldn’t be much for dinners.  I had zero to give.  We had oatmeal and smoothie, we scrapped together salad topped with any protein of choice, etc.  But I ended up not being able or WILLING to do that for my work.  I don’t want to give people an “oatmeal/smoothie” quality training session.  I had to cancel almost 2 days of work this week.

I struggle with this.  I struggle with what to do in times like this, because yes, it does happen to me.  I go to zero.  Zero ability to even have a full breath without huge effort it feels like.  And I sometimes think I can try to scrap by and patchwork myself into fullness to somehow still give a quality training session that I would like, but I realize I cannot do my full “thing” and I really don’t want to give LESS than what I feel like people deserve out of a workout with me. 

In a personal training session, I give my 100% attention, my 100% energy, 100% heart, 100% myself.  It isn’t just another session, it is THE ONLY THING to me.  Yes, my therapist has told me that I need to conserve my energy and not feel like I need to be the hardest worker- I shouldn’t be giving more energy than someone doing the actual work/exercise/training.  But, the reality is that I actually sometimes DO need to.  It is my job.  It is what I do, what I expect of myself, what should be expected of me, and sometimes that is the essence of being guided during a workout class or session to do MORE.  So, while I do need to be always aware of my energy output, what is necessary and riding that fine line, I recognize the value of being led to do more and that takes my energy, as it should. 

So, it is hard for me, when I realize I do not have it, to decide what to do.  When I do not have any MOJO to be intense- to move intense, to expect intense, to speak intense, to be IN IT FROM THE HEART, what do I do???  Do I give less?  And be okay with that?  Ewwww, that just doesn’t feel right, and that is not my standard.  I don’t want it to become my standard, I don’t want it to even become an experience.  I realize that sometimes people may actually WISH to have a workout experience with me where maybe my mojo is a little low😊, so I question, maybe that is good enough??

But, I cannot do it.  I do not want to.  I do not want that to be my thing.  I don’t want to be “good enough.”  I am passionate about the mental health benefits as well as physical benefits of exercise, and it means so much to me, that I cannot lower my standards to a level where I can fake it.  That is not me, I cannot do it, I want to be “all in” with knowing I am giving each person what they deserve for a workout.  I don’t want to risk less.

It's something I’ve learned along the way, after doing this for 22 years now (OMG)(seriously).  I go low with energy sometimes.  And what I have learned is, try to not fight it- accept that I Need to get still, get quiet for a day or two, let my heart have some slow beating, let my breathing come back, let my energy build, let my soul rejuvenate, and I can be my full self again.  Sometimes I question- is this fatigue? am I fighting something with my immune system? am I sick, is it allergies?  I am trying to learn the life lesson to stop telling myself stories about what it may be.  It is what it is.  I need energy, for whatever reason, let it be, and I come back.  I always apologize for having to “call it” and cancel, hate having to do that, but I would rather that than have to apologize for arriving not myself, not the full Sharon.

I’m always thankful that people seem to be more understanding of this than I find it easy to do for myself, thanks everyone…