I love the yearly (and sometimes seasonal, sometimes monthly) reflection of goals, assessing pathways, checking in with the place I am in to see if it is on the path to where I want to be going, and sometimes adjusting sails to go to an entirely different place.
I’ve never done the family Christmas letter reflection because I am afraid ours isn’t interesting to look at, but it sure is to me, being IN it! So I sometimes write it for myself only…. And here is this years:
2016 began looking to be a focused year. I initially was laser focused on fitness and nutrition. I had nutritionally let myself go a bit/ was at my heaviest, and was frankly really concerned that I didn’t have it in me to have nutritional discipline again. I quickly showed myself that I did, and I am proud of that, grateful that I found my willpower and reminded myself how great it feels to be in top health. I lost up to 14 lbs, then settled in at about 12 lbs down and tried to manage that, and I mostly did through my racing season until September… Along with that, and I believe in some ways due to that slightly lighter mass to lug around, I had my best racing season EVER, and it was a year I will never forget! It was my best run and triathlon season and it was frankly exhilarating! I flat out won a few races- overall woman, and most of my triathlons were top of age group or top 3 overall. Eagleman- which was my BIGGIE (again)… I got 3rd age group, and that is my highest EM finish EVER! I was thrilled (although, not completely because I finished the race not really feeling too well and took me a bit of recovery!)
I loved having my kids see that my work was paying off- they thought it was just FUN STUFF seeing me win, and it was really nice to feel my work and dedication be rewarded with results! I have been so excited and thankful for this year of success in racing.
We had a great family trip in March- our first spring break away—we went to Sanibel Island and seriously just adored our time there. Our first time flying as a family, first trip to Florida, it was a big thing that we did this, we brought back bushels of shells, and it was something we will never forget! We biked a total of about 75 miles on the island that week (I ran that all- they all had rental bikes)… it was the best ever. EVER. EVER. (kind of worries me that we now have that huge bar set for spring break/vacations, etc!)
This fall, I was looking forward to a season of just pure enjoyable running, which it was to some extent, until my hip had pain that just didn’t seem to be healing, then my back went out, I got sick, sick again, ugh… So, my glorious fall of running didn’t really feel so carefree and beautiful- felt like much more of a struggle, but I am just hopeful that I have now gotten all of that out of my system and can begin 1/1/17 (TOMORROW) healthy and focused like a laser on making this year as strong as I want it to be!
I’ve done a lot of work this fall- maybe because my mind wasn’t focused as much on racing and going forward on my line of goals—on working on my heart. My heart feels all the freaking feels which is great and terrible at the same time. I have found myself … again all since September mostly… with panic attacks, trembling when unknown cars are parked in front of our house on the street, nauseas with fear when an ambulance siren goes off on the road next to me, and unexplained panic at times that I acknowledge fully have no reasonable logic to bring such an extreme reaction from my body. I know our drama of a few years ago is over, I know we are safe, I know there is no one coming to get me. But… I have learned it is not enough to logicaly know this. I am learning to accept my fears and not be surprised by these reactions, and that there has been a lot on my heart that would make this understandable.
Along with these crazy (I shouldn’t label them that) episodes, this fall has just been so tough overall emotionally. The shenanigans of election week and results and my not fully being able to comprehend have made me feel like I am walking completely unsure of my footsteps, where I even am and who are the people surrounding me. I sometimes think I am so not cut for this world— I feel that my heart is raw and too sensitive ... I see news from Syria and the refugees, I see hurt, and I both feel too much, and on the flip side have a reaction where I cut myself off from any feeling…
I’ve been there before…I don't want to care that much again... but I do.
And I don't want to live my life not caring.
One of our favorite movies to watch every Christmas season is “Serendipity.” A great quote that comes near the end of the movie is, “The Greeks don’t write obituaries. They ask one question about the person that speaks for itself—Did this person live their life with passion.”
I love that. I am nothing if not passionate about all of the life, all of the days, all of the dreams, all of the people, all of the hearts.
I have so many hopes for 2017 and that is all I need. Hope. I will take that hope and literally run with it!