FIRST RACE OF 2017
Race.. well, maybe not a race.
Williamsburg ½ marathon- I’ve been doing this race for
years- since UNDERGRAD IN COLLEGE!! Isn’t that so FUNNY!
Ohhhh so m any many many stories and beautiful memories of
this race, I am PURELY THANKFUL!
This year, I registered and thought it was going to be the
beginning of a ROCK STAR-ISH season! And I
am very much questioning that…!!! My
back went out at the end of November and it has been a slight nightmare for me
in recovering. It is a combination of
back and hip- which led to hip, not sure, but they are both just really REALLY
making me mad by not recovering! I am at
least to the point I can DO the race, DO the distance, and for that I am
thankful. However, it is hard because
each year I go to this race as an early season check in- how has my winter
training been- last year I had lost some good holiday weight and this year hasn’t
been as easy to lose weight… because… well… food and wineJ but I digress…. This “check in” is
really more like a check in if I can do
it, and that is hard for me as I don’t normally race unless I am RACING. Racing mind set- not necessarily to beat
people or place, but to check in with my
past times, and FEELINGs- do I FEEL STRONG, can I FEEL my training, did my body FEEL like it was
accepting the challenge well…. And I think THAT is what I’m afraid of for
tomorrow. I am afraid of going out and
not being able to handle the hurt! And not
even the hurt of running/pushing, but the type of hurt that is just my body not
feeling like it is “working together” as in… fit. Having that FIT feeling, even when you are
red lining it, is AWESOME and just the THING that I LOVE! I am at my max, but I am kind of comfortable
working at that max, maintaining it, holding on step by step… because my body
allows me and trusts me. Lately, I’ve
gone out for a few runs and it doesn’t FEEL GOOD, I don’t feel fit, things
hurt, I feel big and clunky and awkward and like I am phoebe from friends
running!! (remember that!??!!) and it is
just HARD TO RUN when you aren’t “fit”… (fit being my training fitness- not
that I don’t think I have no fitness, but it is not my regularly prepared
self).
And this is all good and okay, and timely. Last week I was at a yoga conference where we
were talking (among other things) about some of the principles of yoga such as
*letting go of attachments
*letting go of expectations
And more.
And I got thinking about
my ATTACHMENTS…. What am I
attached to? Who am I? Ideally, we shouldn’t be attached to anything….
Not that we can’t enjoy things and revel in things, but any thing at all we can
lose, so ideally we enjoy these things but are not “attached” to them- they don’t
DEFINE us.
If someone asks you who you are, how do you respond? For me? A mother, an athlete, a trainer, a
coach, a yoga teacher and practicer, a gardener… all these things we can lose
(an injury?)…. And further questioning,
why do these things define us. If I lean
to defining myself as a runner and triathlete, why? Why am I ATTACHED to
racing, to striving, to improving? Am I
trying to prove myself to someone? I don’t
think there is anyone out there who I am trying to prove myself to (because I
don’t think anyone cares other than me how I do at my races!!), so am I trying
to prove myself to myself? Am I racing for any reason other than the
pure love of it? I do feel the pure love
of being out there, running, seeing beautiful places, trying my best… but is
there more, is there an underlying reason, or fear that I have of not being
enough if I don’t prove myself every time?
Honestly, I’m not convinced that there isn’t and am trying to take some
time to learn this about myself.
I love running, I love triathlons, I love racing, and I LOVE
TRAINING.
But I also do not know how to live well without these
things.
I have lived forever with goals and strategically placed
check ins and assessments and evaluations, and I admit, I do not know how to
not work to improve on these. Is that
bad, is that okay, is that good?
I think it is all of these, and I need to be in
communication with my self to continue to keep myself in check, define my
successes according to my values and priorities, and to embrace the never
ending challenge of adjusting within my circle of wellness to define what is
meaningful and positive and full of my essence.
I am nervous, I am unsure... I am doubting myself.... I feel worried of pain- both physical in terms of hip and back and also pain of non-fitness. But I will run, and I will learn. I will use this as an experience from which I will grow and I am so thrilled for that. This is my life, and I love being present in the experiences that I know are set in front of me from above.
*below are pics from last years race