Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Off kilter/ seasons of life.....

Everything feels off kilter.

Fall 2017…. Is this my mid life crisis?!

I write this on Halloween… (already an emotionally difficult day for me, but trying to get it back to being happy)…. And 2 months into fall, I’m not fitting into my life!  I truly feel like things are “not fitting.”  I’m not fitting into my pattern of life and flow and expectations.  I don’t fit my clothes, my sleep isn’t working because my back kills, (my back certainly doesn’t “fit”- can I have a new one!), I’m “off” with knowing how much longer we have Ellie Mae (although every day is such a glorious blessing and I spend so much time petting her beautiful fur and looking into her wonderful eyes thanking her for being her)…

My heart is like itchy though, and uncomfortable and unsettled.  I’m in the middle of nowhere and not sure which part of the nowhere to face.

My last race was end of August and horrible and I hated it and felt horrible, and I wanted to quit, but didn’t, but spent too much time in the bathroom during race, too much time negative self talking, OMG… I needed race season to be over.  I wanted to just be happy and workout and be healthy, but I am in a funk of pain.  I’ve frankly been in daily pain since last November.  It isn’t always 9/10, but sometimes it is.  When it is not, I am teetering on awareness of life’s movements and wondering when the next “catch” of my back or hip will be… or how I will wake up feeling, or if I”ll instead just be up all night laying on a nerve.  I’m worried because I do feel old.  I’ve ALWAYS been so ANNOYED at people saying they are old/feel old… so maybe this is my payback for not being more compassionate and hearing them better.  I feel old and that is kind of fine, except I know I’m not.  I really don’t think I should feel this way at 42, and I am terrified my kids will remember me not as the fit triathlete/fun, playful mom, but as the woman who couldn’t pick up the pumpkin, who they saw struggling to put on her damn shoes, who they could see being moody because I was just in plain ole pain. Ugh.

So, my goals are lacking because I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself, but I am sOO darn uncomfortable NOT having the daily fun of chasing something….. SELFISHLY FOR ME!!  I love it and miss it.  I get to coach people while I stand on the sidelines.  I am so excited for them, but also selfishly a bit jealous…… I wonder if I should have done some of my “bucket list” races already… although I didn’t think I should work on my bucket list races already at age 42.  And I worry… if I cannot train or do the things I want to do, how will I be as good at my job.  I don’t think you have to be the fittest person on the earth to be a personal trainer, but I do think you have to be in the midst of being strong and challenging yourself and trying new things, etc.  Same with racing--- I am so much more “IN” my coaching when I know EXACTLY w hat a race course feels like, what a distance feels like, what training can/ cannot do both physically and mentally.  So, I wonder if I should get a new job (that won’t hurt so much)…. Like a desk job.  But I feel like a 42 year old who doesn’t know anything!  OMG- all I know anymore is what I do!!  What would I even do for a desk job?  I have no CLOTHES for a desk job!  I’d pull my freaking HAIR OUT with a desk job!!!

My tentative hopes… if my back is ok enough to train, to do the things I love.

*I’d love to do a few more marathons.  Big sur is bucket list.  I’d also be interested in doing Chicago, NYC (although I do not like big city races at all, I think they are kind of classics I may enjoy).

*next year:  haven’t decided on Eagleman.  It just crushes me.  I get so so fit.  I am in the best shape ever from jan-june.. and then I struggle to move my body for like 2 whole months after. Ugh. 

*speed:  may spend a season doing ONLY Olympic distance races and try to get some speed up.  I qualified for nationals in august next year, and plan to do that- not too far of travel and I like to go once per location to nationals.

And… I just don’t want my back to go out.

I want to have energy (to be able to sleep at nights), to do what I love, to be motivated as much as I try to motivate others.

I know my training and racing doesn’t “define” me… but I do love it.  I love the joy that it brings to my every day, and I am missing some of that.

Ahhhh, seasons of life.