WORRY AND ANXIETY

 

WORRY AND ANXIETY:

Last week, I had a few days where I felt overwhelmed and near paralyzed by life.  I had gloom over my head, terror and hopelessness in my heart, and despair in my being. I felt my life was a big failure and the future was filled with the results of all the mistakes and un-optimal life choices and situations I felt I was facing.

After I “emerged” from the ruins, I started thinking about the source and reasons and while the surface level is apparent (life—and its many facets, which, really are all good- right? I mean, I get that I live in privilege, I am safe, housed, fed, and live in a free country… for now… but that is another topic)(of worry), the underlying source of these days of dread were from being imprisoned in worry.

WORRY. It’s never ending available of course, because, for all of us, the future is unknown and uncertain.  So, we have the option of taking that unknown and identifying the potential pitfalls of everything around us.  We could worry about so many options- being late for appointments and meeting, our kids not realizing their potential, not doing the best that we can access of ourselves in our jobs, managing finances and saving for the future, relationships, having enough time, and on and on.

The Erma Bombeck quote: “Worry is like a rocking chair.  It keeps you busy, but never gets you anywhere” hit home.  I looked back at my few days of feeling crushed and realized how much I was in the rocking chair.  Just freaking rocking back and forth IN THE WORRY, amplifying the worry. HOLDING ON to the worry. Because that is what I can control right- I will FIERCELY HOLD ONTO THIS WORRY AND IF I HOLD IT…. we will be ok?????

But no.  Nothing was accomplished, except that I lost a few days of joy. I literally let the worry win, and the worry is just an abstract anyway.  It is a “what if”.  “What if the worst”.  

The time I spent commiserating about the potential doom of life only served to reinforce negative self talk that I’ve been trying to work on NOT doing!  Messages that I didn’t do enough, I am not enough, I am always doing wrong things, I am a waste. Maybe worrying was more about me justifying those self talk messages that I am trying to get rid of?

I’ve spent some time reflecting and In spending time working on this tendency to not be able to stay in the present moment, but be so tied to the uncertain future.  It reminds me of how much peace I am able to find within my yoga practice, where I literally have learned over the years to – while on my mat, be in the moment.  I wish so much I was already able to take this to a greater percentage of my time in real life, but I am at least AWARE, and working on it and acknowledge the need to work on this. I want to take a step in the right direction towards improving my response the next time this overwhelming worry may arrive, and I have realized that the worry of course is a cousin of my anxiety.  It’s a little different, but in the same direction.  The un-knowing.  The un-trusting. The open ended future that none of us know.  How can we deal with that not knowing?

And so the next step.  It brings me to self trust and truth.

SELF TRUST: Of course when we worry, we are not solving anything for our future! There is no way to solve this problem of not being able to see into our future!  The only thing we can do is remind ourselves that whatever comes, we can handle it.  And when I think of it this way, I do feel more okay and more confident based on the evidence- that so far, I’ve been able to handle life as it comes.  Mistakes and errors and misfortune happen, but, I have evidence to know that I can take care of myself, that nothing is too big or wrong that I cannot handle.  And I say this, knowing that part of self trust is having faith, knowing that God is with me. I know that in my life, I’ve got myself.

TRUTH: I feel like this is harder to articulate, but in the midst of worry, since worry is in the future, it seems imperative to come back to NOW and the truth. When I’m in the midst of this distress and unease of worry, I have the choice to practice training my mind to come back to now and the truth of now. That here I am, in a place of being okay. And if I just take one breath and moment at a time, I will be okay now.  Then I’ll see what the next breath brings and I can handle what is there.  Like I said, this isn’t maybe my most natural way, since I apparently find it very easy to go into OVERDRIVE of DOOM and DREAD.  But I am always committed to taking care of my full self, my whole self, my mind, body, heart, and soul in all of the ways.  Part of that is paying attention to my mind.  Paying attention to recognizing the tendencies that are my truth, that I need to be in hard work on.

In all of this thought, a comparison was brought to my attention about worry.  It was said that worry is like leaving a car light on overnight. It’s draining. It dissipates energy that goes nowhere. It helps no one. It serves no purpose- no one is in the car, it is unproductive.  And I RECOGNIZE this.  I recognize this as a LIFE tendency.  Oh my goodness I use so much energy unnecessarily.  My car light (worry/anxiety) is running so much higher than it needs to.  It drains me, and it has led to sickness, but also just to un-wellness over many years.

Last week’s little life crisis that wasn’t- was in a way a really nice awakening to myself.

*Can I trust myself to handle what comes, even if it may not be what I would choose.  Yes.

*Do I know myself in my truth.  Yes.

*Am I unnecessarily draining my batteries, YES.  And I would like to work on this.

Maui Marathon 2024

 

MAUI MARATHON 2024…. Well, a half.

On a risky whim last year, I signed up for the Maui Marathon- which had been a lifelong bucket list goal.  This race hugs the coastline of Maui and one of my biggest joys is crossing a finish line, physically beyond spent, and walking directly into the ocean.  Along with some hip/back issues, I know that my marathoning may be a little limited, so I need to prioritize which races I really want to do, and… of course…. Maui.

This was before the devastating Lahaina wildfires of August 2023.  The race organizers contacted those who had registered and a few weeks after the wildfires said that the race would still be held, but would be rerouted and may not be a boston qualifier because it may be a little long or a little short.  Then, about 8 weeks before the race, we were notified there would be no more marathon distance.  The half marathon was still on, so we were now doing that distance, and the entire race location was changed- we no longer were going really anywhere near the coastline.  I was SO upset, and really worried because I was taking this huge trip and now it wasn’t even for my bucket list!  (so… I Need to do it again??!!)  Needless to say, I simmered down about the disappointment and with all of my planning of hikes and all the things to do in Maui, I thought this is fine- I am still so VERY VERY LUCKY!

I flew into Maui and the magic began from the skies.  I looked down to lush carpets of beautiful shades of green, just wrapping the mountains in softness. I have no idea how people can either not look out their windows with glee or just act normal, because I immediately go into kid in a candy store mode.  I don’t care to even try to hide this level of pure joy emanating from my eyeballs and face. Hawaii is spiritual, and the gift was already beginning from the sky. My cheeks had no idea what they were in store for because my smile was plastered for a week, my heart was leaping.

I have my “travel routine” set when I travel to my heartfelt tropical destinations:  I have usually swimsuit and shorts under my travel clothes so I can just take my pants off immediately and have shorts on /tank top in the car.  So I did this before I looked for my rental car in the parking lot.  I like how companies are doing this where you land, call in to get license plate and location and look for your rental car and key is in lockbox on back.  GENIUS.  Except when you go up and down the aisles and seemingly cannot find your car!!!  I finally found it, except now it is getting a bit dark and I’m trying to fiddle with the lock on the back and my old eyes can barely make out the numbers on the combination lock. It is also my first experience on this trip of kind of not wanting my back to be exposed- not knowing who may be coming up behind me, I’m slightly on alert as I begin this travel experience on my own so I’m kind of side eyeing the world as I try to get the lock. I finally got it, head to Walmart right next to airport because I need bananas and wine.  When I park in Walmart, I really don’t want to look like complete fruitcake going in with the calf sleeves/compression sleeves on calves that I wore for the flight so I quick lean over to take them off and I realize my feet have near EXPLODED! HUGE MISTAKE- but my foot/ankle looks like a SAUSAGE OR SMALL PLATYPUS. It has swollen and apparently all the blood has pooled UNDER the level of calf sleeves.  I’m amazed but also on a mission to kind of get in/ get out and get as much of the drive to my vrbo done before it is fully dark. *note to self and anyone else- maybe I should have worn the full compression SOCKS?  But in the future I probably wont’ be doing this- I thought I was really doing a good thing, but I don’t think it was wise! I’m nervous getting to VRBO because it is fully dark.  The parking area doesn’t look too clear cut about where to go and park- the office that I was supposed to go to to register my car is closed….. so I find my vrbo (what seemed like finally) and now try to finagle this lock box. Which… I’m already nervous because as a family, we have had 2 vrbo experiences: BOTH which have taken us probably about 10 minutes to “get” It is like an escape room scenario trying to figure out these lock boxes to get the key.  And here I am again in the dark, old eyes, squinting but also backing up to try to see where I am supposed to be pushing and once I do, what sort of “finger gymnastics” to do on these boxes to get the thingamajig to open.  Can vrbo owners please help in finding one that is just easy.  I mean, the code should be the magic, not the ability to figure out a puzzle at the end of entering the code.  I digress.  Once I was in…. VACATION TRULY BEGAN…

**if you only want to read about race, scroll below to the bolded “RACE MORNING”.

My first full day in Maui, I got up before sunrise and headed out to get a feel for my location.  I always like to do this on first day—So I Had my run shoes ready, swimsuit under my run clothes and headed out to find how to get to the “beach walk” that goes the length of Kaanapali beach.  It is a sidewalk/pathway that goes along the ocean and meanders in some of the resorts.  It is so nice that they have this.  It was a misty morning, as most of the mornings in Kaanapali are.  As much as I might vote for a perfectly clear and sunny morning, there is something to be said about mist and clouds halfway covering the mountains in Hawaii.  It is mystical, magical and spiritual.  The air there is soft, hugs you. Literally, my heart is in heaven on earth. Aloha is in my bloodstream and I am all by myself just unable to even wipe a smile off my face.  It feels so good, natural and pure.  I did this run, scoped out some of the beach spots, resorts, where the path went, then came back and hopped in the car to begin exploring.  I wanted to explore on the first day close to the area that I was staying so I headed up to Kapalua.  I parked and did the Kapalua Coast trail which was GORGEOUS.  

Really just a walk, rather than “hike”- the paths were easy to follow and the views down were amazing to see the waters, the colors, the warm air breeze.  This was my first reminder that I am in this place with silent wooshing breezes, the whisper of the earth welcoming you to enjoy this grandeur. I was already so aware of the gift I was giving myself to take this trip, to have no doubts that I am living my life in a way of NOT WAITING to live.  I am making my dreams come true, following exactly the path that I know is mine to take.  I was already experiencing the “settling” into a more serene pace of mind, an equilibrium inside of myself.  I then walked to Fleming Beach and discovered another trail that I hiked on: the Mahana Ridge Trail (that leads to Arboretum Trail Head).  It was a nice addition, out and back.  Then I went to Fleming Beach for a bit.  After that, I drove to Nakalele Blowhole and did a little hike to that- about 30 minutes each way.  I wasn’t like gung ho on NEEDING to see this, but I was close and I’m honestly glad I did- as much because of doing the walk/seeing the blowhole and area, but also for the drive there- the winding roads, the countryside. 

There were tons of bikers on the side which…. I’m not sure exactly what to think about.  Half of me thinks holy HELL NO WAY, and half of me is DYING to do that someday.  It was really hard with the mountains and the curves to navigate around them (and as a cyclist I HATE having cars behind me that I know are trying to pass, just makes me feel so “in the way.”) but the drive was really beautiful.  I stopped at Slaughterhouse Beach on my way back, parked and walked down.  There were a ton of people there and it was the coolest walk through trees to get to this beach and I realized then that this was really a pure snorkeling beach- all rocks. 

So I decided to not stay, but I would LOVE to spend some time there! I was thankful honestly to even stop and WALK through the paths to GET THERE!  SO MAUI!  Then I went to what was to become one of my favorite spots of the trip:  Napili Bay.  Oh this beach was gorgeous, loved the vibe, it was actually small- not very DEEP- like the center part really only has minimal space from the water up to the ROCKS where the resort is—and the waves can wash up, but it is WORTH IT. It’s vibes are awesome, it is a pure turquoise gem. I had of course mapped out the “happy hour deals” and it was time for my first happy hour at the Sea House. Oh my gosh.  

Again, the memories of this place just uplift my heart- sipping on a mai tai looking directly through a huge window out to the turquoise bliss of Napili Bay.  I’m scared the angels are gonna swoop me away and harps start playing.  It was exhilarating to be sitting there at the same time as pure peace.  I noticed here already how I felt kinda very comfortable going in and getting a drink on my own.  Sometimes I feel like a lonely stooge on previous travels- needing to eat by myself, or get a drink, like people are thinking what is wrong with me, why do you have no one with you.  Never once did I feel that this time.  Either the places I went, or maybe I’m just at a place where I’m more comfortable with myself… or at a place (geographically) where I’m so wrapped up in the extraordinary present moment awareness that I have no space left for self doubting.  I sat there as long as I wanted and made myself at home.  I finished out the day watching the sunset at Kaanapali Beach by Whalers Village. 

The next day, I again woke up before sunrise and headed out: this time I drove up north to do the Waihe’e Ridge Trail.  I figured that I wouldn’t be able to really see the sun RISE from the hike since I knew I didn’t want to start in the dark, but it still might be nice to see it in the morning as it was rising.  Well, I hadn’t yet learned that this side of Maui is really covered in clouds over these mountains most mornings (which leads to the clouds on the other side where I was staying/ misty mornings).  So I began the hike and it was beautiful, but then began misting and the clouds got lower, then it was all white and I had zero views, then it started POURING!  Strangely enough I was still having the time of my life! 

However, I turned around- it was getting really muddy and slippery and was too much risk for no reward of views and I realized I wanted to try to come back on a day with more clear skies.  So, I headed to Kihei, a place in southern maui that I think I have been to possibly, but honestly do not really remember- so maybe I never have been there?  I’ve heard so much about it, so knew I needed to explore.  It was WONDERFUL and perfectly sunny and clear blue skies here- so many roads of beaches here, very commercial, but each beach has like an associated green/grassy park to it.  This was so nice to see families having picnics here, people sitting on blankets playing guitar.  People napping, reading books.  So many of the beaches here, I saw sea turtles.  AS the day went along, it started getting really windy (apparently this is common- tradewinds pick up), and it was so funny to see these waves and they were just tumbling the turtles up and down in the waves even real close to the beach. I spent really the entire day here exploring beaches and a few shops in Kihei.  I went to Kam 1,2,3 beaches, had another happy hour and headed back for another sunset on Kaanapali Beach.  This time I went to black rock where they light these tiki poles and then a cliff diver jumps off the cliffs to signal sunset coming. 

The next day was packet pick up for race and they were offering a yoga class at the packet pickup site that I had registered for from 8-9. So, I woke up, and before the yoga class stopped at Maalea Bay to do a sunrise run on the beach there.  I had read that it was great for running and this was ON POINT!  It was a 2 mile long flat/packed sand beach and PERFECT sunrise views (which I honestly wasn’t completely expecting because I didn’t think it was at the right place to really be a great viewing area for sunrise, but it WAS one of my best sunrise mornings on the island!  

I walked up a bit to kill time before I headed to the yoga class and packet pickup.  The yoga class was really nice- always good to take someone else’s class and to just be a participant, especially next to a mountain, under the palm trees, etc. I wanted today to be a little less on my feet because of the race the next day.  That did not happen.  I explored, swam in the ocean, but then it got so windy that the sand was whipping up and just attacking my skin, so I packed up and thought hmmmm… what else to do the afternoon before a race- let’s do a hike in the heat!  I began the Lahaina – Pali trail  This hike is 5 miles each direction, but what I did was just the 2.5 miles to the top and back down.  I planned to do the other half later in my trip. 

This was one of my favorite hikes of the trip.  10/10 I recommend it.  It was so fun, great views, you go up to the windmills, you have this huge view for nearly the entire side of Maui. I was a bit worried about my calves that I may actually wake up SORE, but I didn’t the next day, so that was good.  But honestly, I knew it was worth it no matter what, I was here not just for the race but for every moment. I had a happy hour drink at Barefoot Bar in Kaanapali and then headed back to my vrbo – I had brought tuna packets and noodles and I just wanted to eat something easy/protein and carbs/ pack for the next day and not be out too late.  I still went to sunset but did it right at my vrbo which incredibly was ON the beach.  I cannot believe I was able to find a vrbo right in this location for the price I did.

RACE MORNING:

I had to leave my VRBO at 3AM because…. I am a bit type A… and I had a 45 min drive to get to the bus that would take us to the race start- and bus service began at 4.  (of course I’m going to be on the first bus).  Race morning didn’t start awesome because of a little fiasco with my KEY to my vrbo- so I pulled out- realized I wasn’t 100% sure where I had put my key (because I have a hair scrunchie that zips the key in all day- but I realized I forgot to put it in there, so I was wondering where I Put it or if I dropped it!)  I turned around, in a slight panic, searched the parking spot, didn’t see and said, Sharon, trust yourself.  You know it is here somewhere.  Go to race.  *long story, I practiced being calm as I drove and giving myself credit for knowing that it was in one of my bags, and once I got to site, I found it.

We got on the bus that would take us to race start- it was maybe a 20 -25 min drive.  Always interesting.  You are sitting with strangers and sometimes you have people you chat with (even at 4am), and…. This time… was just a bit awkward- I got some chatting in, but could tell the person did not want to be speaking so did not say anything further.  The race site was lit as it was pitch black. All I could think was, I’m in MAUI and canNOT stop smiling, even though it is middle of the night.  It was also honestly chilly so I had had a throw away with me that I kept on my arms and shoulders, I was so glad to have been prepared and comfortable. I was just overwhelmed by gratitude.  That was all. The race was exciting, I couldn’t wait, but it was just FULL gratitude for making this choice to BE LIVING A DREAM!

Before the race, there was a tribute to the Lahaina fire victims and how important it was to come together in community.  It was beautiful, touching, and reminded me of the big picture- that we are all here on this earth as ONE.

The half marathon I had previously done this year in February was a disaster since I think I was still really struggling with recovering from my first (and hopefully ONLY EVER) bought with covid.  So I was actually very nervous and conservative for this race.  I thought- if there ever was a race to sandbag and take my time doing- it is THIS ONE- ENJOY every single step of the way, right?! So I started, with a smile, and took first 2 miles with full ease.

The things I Remember were

*gratitude for honestly even having my feet on the GROUND in Maui- I mean honestly- we were just running on a highway, it was far from the dream of running next to the ocean.  But the AIR was Maui, the ALOHA vibe was in my heart and bones and every cell.  There was nothing in me except gratitude. Maybe I was on drugs, but I think it was the HIGH of being in my element.

*After a few miles, I progressed slightly, but still was a bit tentative for how I normally approach races. I was calm, happy, measured and felt strong.

*The road started being downhill and my paces were quickening, but I knew it was still “smart” and I wasn’t just letting things rip.  I trusted myself.

*We were coming to mile 7/8 and I felt like uh oh I might have to use a bathroom, so I stopped at a port a pot- but there was someone in it. So I thought OK- gonna make it to the next one (not knowing for sure if there was one soon)—I think my body had thought it was going to get to …. Use the port o pot… so all of a sudden in ¼ mile it was an EMERGENCY.  I’m thinking there HAS to be one at the turn around, but I don’t KNOW!  Long story short- there was and THANK GOODNESS! More gratitude!

*After the turnaround, we were on a flat for maybe ½ mile and then took a right- coming back and I knew there was a hill starting.  Turned and OMGGGG not just a hill but the WIND!! I couldn’t even HEAR- it was in my ears, it was CRAZY.  I was almost at a standstill!  So I LAUGHED! My body was leaning like 30 degrees it felt like? And I was like FIGHTING AIR! I still was SO HAPPY.

*I was also super SLOW – holy heavens! I was barely moving.  I wanted to stop and walk because there was SO MUCH EFFORT for SO LITTLE PROGRESS!

*and here is where I Had my lesson:  I realized- STOP THIS THOUGHT PATTERN SHARON:  you WERE going to be doing a marathon.  You WERE going to be doing something that YOU KNEW would bring you to the BRINK of what you had available.  So you are NOT GOING TO STOP during this half.  There is NO WAY IT IS NECESSARY.  This is a RACE.  This is what you sign up for. Work it.  RELENTLESSLY.

The feeling at this point in the race was a clear reminder of where I’ve been at my running in the past few years- very CAREFUL.  Rightly so, with my hip/hamstring injuries.  I have needed to be so careful that I haven’t been able to push much.  However, I think I have shifted to the mindset of even forgetting HOW to dig deep – even a fraction of what I used to- and stay in a challenge.  

The last 4 uphill miles seemed so LONG- they weren’t ticking by like the first 9 because of the hill and wind!  But this is the ESSENCE- this is why I love doing races- to empty everything I have, to practice digging deep.  You prepare as best as you can for the race, and EVEN THEN- you just never know what the day will bring for you to handle. I promised myself that I wouldn’t make any “deals” through the finish line- no walking for 30 seconds only… because I didn’t need it- I needed to be honest with myself and finish what I came to do, what I was prepared to do.

A few people passed me and I was so impressed and gave some (quick) words of encouragement, which, as always even boosts ME further.  I tried to hook my energy to theirs and fake smoothness in my form, run with my arms, and just continue to fuel, take step by step through these miles.  And I smiled.  We ran by a Hawaiian drum group and it was MAGICAL- the thundering BEAT being amplified in my body, the mountains in the background.  I knew how lucky I was to be present in this space.

The race finish was at Maui Tropical Plantation- It was a beautiful place that I wouldn’t have ever stopped at had the race not been there, but I’m so so glad that I had the chance to be there. I got coffee, sat by a palm tree for a bit, people watched (also changed into swim suit and dry clothes). It was everything fulfilling and now I’m left with even more motivation to someday go back and do the full marathon, that is actually along the coast and finish at the beach.

My race splits (only for myself looking back for data)were:

8:11, 8:05, 8:12, 8:00, 7:38, 7:45, 7:42, 7:30, 8:50 (bathroom stop), 9:51 (uphill wind began), 10:31, 9:58, 9:31.

I left, made my way to Kihei Bread Company for a soft pretzel to take to some beach stops that day.

****The rest of this blog post writing is about my trip (not race related) so if you aren’t interested in that I wanted to let you know.

The rest of the day after the race I went to beaches in Kihei and south.  After stopping at the Bread Company, (it was so easy to park on the main street in Kihei- I don’t know if I was just lucking out- but I was so thankful- and you just are literally parking next to the ocean!): I went to Kamaole 1, then headed south to some other beaches in Wailea and Makena. I first went to ULUA which I hadn’t been able somehow to find the entrance to the day before. Then I headed to WAILEA BEACH and POLO BEACH. (both still in wailea). These were great- it was a beautiful and calm morning on the water… UNTIL then it wasn’t!  The wind picked up when I was at Polo Beach and the sand was just ripping into me, so I wasn’t going to stay too much longer, but a kiteboarder came and that was SO fun and interesting to watch.  I felt like I’m not sure how you learn that because there seems to be not much room for error- like the wind sails you way out on this board, but what if you cannot get it to turn around to take you back in.  I’m sure this is part of the learning, but it was fantastic and impressive to watch.  I then took a break from the beaches to go hike at La Perouse Bay.  This is at the very south end of Maui, with lava and it was not like any of the other hikes (it was really a walk) in Maui.  It was so interesting how many different climates and terrain Maui is comprised of. I was considering going to Big Beach in Makena.  There is a Sunday night Sunset drum circle that I found out about and I would have loved to go to that. But I drove to the parking lot and there was a state park entry fee, it looked tired, and I was so far south and had a big drive and I was kind of worried about crashing since it had been a long day with a before 3am wake up, so I drove back to where I was staying in Kaanapali.

The next day (Monday), I promised myself that I would NOT RUN OR HIKE! HA!  I had loved being so active, but I knew I Was really pushing things and needed to be still. I walked the 1.5 miles to get to the entrance to the beach with all my stuff for most of the day, did sunrise yoga on Kaanapali Beach, and really just explored- kept walking and stopping at various spots that looked beautiful!  I snorkeled, read and relaxed, stared, jumped in waves. Heavenly to have full opportunity to go exactly where and when as I pleased!  I always on days like this pack my food for the day:  I had tuna packets with a wrap to plop it on, an apple for each day, a bar, dried fruit/nuts… And then:  I always planned happy hour at a place that had a special that I had researched- so today I went back to Napili Bay (drove) (by Kapalua- north of Kaanapali) to “The Sea House”- it was so beautiful and relaxing to sit and look exactly at the turquoise water with a mai tai! It was such a luxurious treat!

I went back to watch the sunset at the beach that was right behind my vrbo.  It wasn’t a fancy beach with great sand, but it was perfect.  There were so many community people there, I met a few people who over the course of the days there I got to see each night I went to sunset there.  It was nice to see a bit of the locals vibe, kids playing in the trees, playgrounds, a local guy who came to play guitar and sing every night and I always thanked him.  Full aloha spirit and vibes.

Tuesday I started to get nervous because I had to leave Wednesday.

I rented a surfboard, however it was basically a dead end.  The beach I went to was so rough, there wasn’t anyone there, and after a few wipeouts, I just didn’t want to risk it and it wasn’t the same as surfing in Kauai, where the waves were kind of gentle and there were like 50 people out there trying to learn.  I returned it and went for the other half of the hike I had taken the day before the race- the Lahaina Pali trail.  This time I was doing it from the Lahaina side.  I started, then realized I hadn’t turned onto the correct trail so backtracked.  Essentially, the hike got so treacherous (or I was possibly on the wrong trail?) that I ended up thinking, I’m not doing this !  and I turned around and then proceeded to basically have to very precariously get off the ridge I had found myself on.  It was dry/gravely and dangerous.  I still have no idea if that was the trail?  It couldn’t have been because there were ordinary looking people doing it, and this was just too dangerous. But on the way back I was watching 100% focus to see if I had missed something and I never found it.  Hmmmm…*so this seems to have been the day of “misses” since surf/hike didn’t work, but I still loved it.

My final day, I went for my last run on Kaanapali beach.  I went to black rock, swam in the ocean for about 20 minutes, then ran back.  I had everything ready to check out and was so sad to leave my little vrbo/home for a week.  I headed to Kihei to go to Sugar Beach Bake shop.  OMG I had a malasada to die for. Plus I bought a blueberry muffin to bring to the airport later.  I walked on one of the beaches I enjoyed right there by the bake shop and then headed to REDO the Waihe’e Ridge Trail. I purposefully wasn’t going bright early in the morning because I learned over the course of the week that this area of maui is often in clouds/rain and leaves no view. I was so lucky this time to have a view on the way up! The way down, the clouds rolled in, but it was GLORIOUS!  I finished by going to this food truck I had heard about on the way down the mountain.  It was the BEST MEAL I had all week.  It was perfection- the best Mahi mixed with such a beautiful background.

I then had a little time to kill before going to the airport so I went to a last beach near the airport- I went to Baldwin Park Beach since it was listed as having showers/facilities and I knew I wanted to shower before getting on the airplane.  It was so windy, I just walked on the beach, did some yoga- there were only a handful of people I saw on the beach, but it was really nice to have one last chance to stare at the glorious gift of Maui.

I don’t want to talk much about going to airport because I was grumpy and was intentionally trying to just follow the timeline of getting there on time without thinking.  I didn’t want to leave.  Not a single part of me. I am so insanely happy, relaxed and myself in Hawaii, I feel home.  I know myself well enough to know when I’m in a place for me.  I knew it in one instant when I stepped my first footstep on grounds at UVA in Charlottesville, and I have the same feeling in Hawaii.  I know what I know, my heart knows.  Mahalo, Maui!  Ahui hou! (until we meet again).

MAUI MARATHON.... OR NOT!

 

MAUI MARATHON…. OR NOT.

Last May, I registered for the Maui Marathon.  My orthopaedic dr told me I needed to prioritize things because of my hip and back, so I took that to mean that… I needed to pick my bucket list races SOON!!!

Anyway, this was before the devastating wildfires last fall.  The race management has contacted us periodically to let us know that the race was still on, except that it will be rerouted since it cannot go through Lahaina anymore.

I just received an email last week that the marathon is cancelled. There is still the half.

I’m frustrated. But, I realize I also have to be mindful that I have nothing to complain about after all the people there have lost.  So, this writing is just focusing on my thoughts and options and I never want to trivialize or lose sight of how lucky I am that I get to still go to maui, etc.

The question and issue is: I wanted to run a marathon.  I have already begun training and I have run up to 16 miles already,  and have about 9 weeks left until the race to build further. I asked the race director if there was the possibility of the marathon doing the half 2x (it is point to point, so it would have to be starting at the finish and then running the start to finish half.) He said some people are doing that on their own, but since the half starts at 5am, essentially this would be a 3 am start. And, I’d be doing it, with maybe not a lot of others (I have found one other person so far who is interested, but she is not near my pace, so essentially I’d be out there on dark roads alone.  I’m worried I don’t know what I don’t know concerning safety, etc.  Another worry is the logistics of doing a half before a half.  So, if I am in a full marathon, it is one thing if I am among other people who are at like mile 23 suffering and hurting.  I feel worried though being in a half marathon with other people who are at mile 10, and I’ll be at mile 23.  I think I will feel frustrated and negative.  Like why did I need to get in the full 26 just to say I did?  And it’s in the dark?  And then by 7am (or maybe that is optimistic, but certainly hopefully by 7:30AM) I’ll be CRUSHED for the rest of the day. Do I need to do that?

Should I find a race somewhere around here that I can do a full and then just go and do the normal half marathon?

I wrote the above right after I found out about the full marathon being cancelled.  I was so upset at not being able to run along the coast for 26 miles.  I have now fully gotten over it😊

I mean, for crying out loud.  I’ll be in Maui.  I’m going to be hiking/beaching/surfing daily. I have absolutely zero worries any longer about this not being a marathon.  I am fully embracing the HALF!

And as I write this with 5 days to go until I leave, I am thinking more thoughts on leaving for this solo vacation.

My first solo trip was in 2019. 5 years ago.  I was at a point where I needed to get away/ be by myself/ regroup and have nothing to carry on my shoulders:  no responsibilities, work, no trying to make anyone else happy.  No planning to accommodate anyone else.  No frustrations.  And of course.  WARMTH and sunshine.  So I googled “closest island to the equator.”  I took my first solo trip to Barbados.  I was nervous.  I felt guilty.  SOOOOO Selfish.  But I still wanted and needed to.  I was so embarrassed to even tell people.  I had to tell some people because of work and in order to not LIE!!  But I did feel embarrassed, like WHO DOES THIS?!! And I was amazed by some helpful advice from other women who had gone on solo trips.  Advice to not feel bad eating by myself, advice that it wasn’t selfish at all.  So I went, and the FIRST DAY THERE, I knew it was right and I released all my feelings of guilt!

I then went to Turks and Caicos- literally a BUCKET LIST place- I never knew if in reality I would ever go to Grace Bay beach!  And I DID! Again, I had these weird embarrassing feelings of being selfish at first.  And again…. I realized, NOPE.  This fuels me to go back and be at my best to give my best in all other aspects of my life.

And, so here I am 5 years later, and the funny thing is: this trip is obviously so extreme.  I am going so far away on my own. And I have ZERO DOUBTS that I fully deserve to go and CELEBRATE this time doing ALL THE THINGS THAT FUEL ME.  I love the planning to maximize my days- not having to worry that I am planning too much, being too busy on vacation, seeing too much.  I get to move miles a day, carrying my little go to backpack and towel that I’ve brought each time.  I love planning to bring a bunch of food on my own, so that I can be active, hiking, running and fueled, but also have the time to sit by the ocean with a drink at a nice tiki bar environment.  I love exploring.  I love the grittiness of being as self sufficient as possible.  I love being gone the ENTIRE DAY to see both the sunrise and sunset, then coming back to where I am staying, setting out the clothes/backpack/food for the next day, and having quiet time with no electronics/tv …… just living by the sun.  I’ve been lucky to have the opportunity to just read under a palm tree at night until I go to sleep until the next wake up call for the adventures of the new day.

Before one of my trips, a friend said, “don’t you get bored just being by yourself”?  And I felt so terrible, honestly.  Because I was like what IS WRONG with me? Because: NO! I’ve never gotten one ounce of boredom or loneliness.  I enjoy getting to do exactly what lights my fire and exhilarates me.  I’ve called family and friends while away to share some quick fun experiences, but I also do cherish spending time frankly… just all by myself!  Getting sometimes quiet and being able to go inside my own self and just taking a break from outside “noise of the world.”  Traveling alone I have also found that you get to talk and have conversations with more people than you normally would traveling with others.  I remember Turks and Caicos, I met someone on the airplane who then when I was walking down the beach one day called out “Sharon!!” and I was like who knows me here?!!!  And I met a couple at the marathon that I then saw and called out my name also!  It was fun to see how many nice people there are to meet from different places!

I am so thankful as I get close to the big 50 years of age, that I push myself to go places on my own.  When I have a slight fear of traveling alone, then it is almost a reminder that I NEED TO do this!  I do not ever want to not go somewhere because I feel afraid.  (I promise to not hitch hike in Maui though- leaving that experience for St. John!)  I love all my little travel tricks to pack the least amount I possibly need to maximize simplicity and the FULL JOY OF WANDERLUST!

2024- Word of the year

 

2024 WORD OF THE YEAR

Gosh I sometimes have an easier time coming up with a WORD.  Last year’s word was so deeply etched into my heart: RISE.

This year, in brainstorming my word, these are some of the moods/essences that I felt:

Positive, assume the best, spread love, shine, glimmer, half full, gratitude, show up, perspective, trust, positive, no overthinking, leap-open-upwards direction, align, grow, bright, expand, upwards.

I have this INNER feeling of what I am going after, but I had a really hard time coming up with the WORD that encapsulates it all.

I am choosing UP.(I also kind of like that it maybe is a continuation of last year’s RISE… “RISE UP”)

UP:

LOOK UP: I want to every day, look up and NOTICE.  Notice beauty, notice the little things, notice CONNECTIONS, BE the connection and the upwards way of being.

THINK UP: I want to think UP AT THE GOOD—even when there is a negative—I want to notice the “up”- the good/ the opportunity that lies within/ the big picture that may not even be visible at that exact moment. I want to trust that I am going upwards in the direction of my dreams, on the path that is meant for me, as long as I remain true to myself, my integrity and core values that I live my life by. I want to intentionally see the glimmers of hope, even when – as is sometimes my tendency, I may initially feel the heaviness of frustration and/ or irritation.  I want to work hard to see the UP glimmer within hard situations.
SPEAK UP: Well, I should clarify slightly.  That I don’t want to speak up TOO MUCH haha. I know and am anticipating and already planning the year that is to come.  It is going to be fraught with divide.  So, I am planning to be intentional about communication. However, I want to balance being intentional and maybe cautious with the thought that it is our right and responsibility to be a part of the world we inhabit.  I cannot expect other people to do the whole job of speaking up for integrity and for things that matter to me.  So, how can I speak up in ways that are respectful and simply supportive of my values.  And how do I need to speak up for myself. How close will I allow someone to be nasty or disrespectful before I speak up for myself? I will also be working on speaking in an upward direction TO myself. I will work on speaking as positively to myself as I would to others.

LIVE UP: As always, I am already preparing.  I am preparing to do lots of things that scare me, exhilarate me, that make my days FULL. I want to go UP the extra mile. For myself, for others, for FUN. I don’t really have a problem saying no to things that I know aren’t in my lane or that will not fulfill me, but I want to actively seek out things that are just out of my vision that will enliven my days.

RISE UP: There WILL be challenges, downward spirals and unexpected shitstorms. I expect myself to sit in that place that I find myself with equanimity and know that there will be a rising upwards, that I am with myself, I know who I am, and I have shown myself evidence that through some of the hard work I’ve done, I can persevere and will be okay.

Annapolis 10 Miler 2023

 

A10 2023

Gosh I need to look up how many Annapolis races I’ve done.  It’s been at least since 2005 because I know I did it when Phoebe was 3 months old!  It’s been a small lifetime:)

Annapolis is a tough race- notoriously HOT AND HUMID.  Yes, I historically have bookended my summers with notorious hot and humid conditions:  Eagleman in June to begin and then A10 at the end of August. 

Last year- 2022- may have been the MOST humid (or maybe I was the least prepared?) but it was bad.  Today was only slightly better.  Or maybe I ended up handling it better.. Either way, here we go:

I knew I was trained to do the 10.  I know that I am not, nor never will be, as trained as I Used to be.  I got my 10 mile PR here somehow – under 70 minutes.  I’ll have to look up the year and exact time. I am still FLOORED that ME- a girl who couldn’t run- was able to go under 7 minute pace in this race with the hills. Anyway, back to today.  My goal was to run “strong”.  To push, but not necessarily “race”- meaning to go strong, but not over the line of what would be okay for my hips/back/calf whatever ailments my body decided to feel today.  Whatever the pace of that was, I would be okay with- it was the FEELING of pushing, running strong, and ENJOYING being in the race.  6 months ago, I often couldn’t run more than ¼ mile because of hips, etc.  So, I am always reminding myself to be thankful for every mile.

I felt a little bit nervous at the start line, but just reminded myself- don’t be nervous- the goals are to do what you can do and enjoy.  I still felt unsettled and a bit nervous. The first mile:  I am always like IN LOVE with this race because the first ¼ mile goes downhill- it is just such a nice way to begin moving. (yes we go UP that at the end- not as nice) but I’d prefer this anyway.  The first mile is flat. It’s of course a bit bunched up- a few thousand runners do this race, so the whole mile stays pretty tight.  At the 1 mile mark, I was already worried about my dang calf.  This week it has been playing games with me and I could feel it and was trying to be careful with form, not step on any edges, etc.  I also thought, hmmm my legs kinda don’t feel too sharp.  Mile 2, OK already I’m oozing sweat.  Now my calf is definitely speaking and I’m worried that it will cause me to have to stop somewhere on the course and I won’t be able to get back.  I tell myself to continue and the goal now is to stay relaxed because my head wasn’t feeling happy.  This wasn’t as enjoyable as I wanted😊 Mentally I said- get to 5 with goal of “easy/under the radar effort” staying UNDER the level where my intensity would start to make my heat blow up.  By the end of mile 2 I was already like SHIT THE HUMIDITY. Mile 3 was through the town of Annapolis- down the brick street (horrible footing) but with the AMAZING VIEW of the water- I was like THIS HERE!!! Is why I do this race!  I was so happy and when we turned by the water, there was maybe a little breeze or some effect that made me feel less like heat death.  Some super cute houses that we run by right there by the village… I always think (and never do) that I should go back and just spend a day in Annapolis. It’s so cute.  So yea, the hills though. We got into the back neighborhoods where the bones of this hilly course is.  There is one part of the neighborhood with these amazing houses and the gardens!  I tried to enjoy as much as possible. I had skipped a water stop at mile 3 thinking, ahhh, I’m carrying my own, I don’t need it yet and then less than ½ mile later thought I will not make that mistake again- even if I just roll it down my shoulders or back of head to cool off a bit, it will help.  During this 3-5 mile I was really worried, but self talking myself to just make it through step by step, staying smooth, not overdoing effort.  When we began this out and back section where I knew runners were starting to come back this was between 6-7.5 ish of the out and back…. I was like, okay “this is a segment” just be in it.  I was starting to feel calmer with my ability to not think forward and worry, but just be where I was and be at the appropriate pace.  I was like, it’s taken me over 5 miles to “practice” being in a race again- maybe I need to do more races!?!  I was also taking in calories with UCAN pineapple gel (which is new to me this year), as well as water from my flask I was carrying.  Every water station I would drip some water into my mouth and then over my body.  The hills were hard and I knew I was slowing, but I reminded myself that slowing doesn’t mean giving up, so to not make a story out of it.  On the way BACK from that section, it is a big uphill, and again I tried to keep my shoulders with full ease/ no tension and just run calm. During some of these hard sections I also told myself, OH MY GOSH SHARON- this is the first A10 that you didn’t have to use the port o pot by the 7 mile mark!  (typically I’ve had trouble amplified by the humidity at A10).  I also didn’t have any GI issues in my triathlon last week (luray) so yesterday and this week for the most part I kind of copied what I did last week hoping that the universe would bring me a smooth stomach this morning.  I had no idea if it would hold for 10 miles but was hopeful. 

At A10 after the out and back, you turn on a neighborhood road and it goes down a hill until you get out to this highway to bring you back to Annapolis! So this is the ending part from 7.5-10!  I was now kinda feeling actually better than I did at 2-3 miles in?!  (I had also poured so much water that it had sloshed in my sports bra until I like pushed the water out of it and I could also hear my shoes squeaking, very irritating but I told myself to not hear that).  So, this road back, is still hilly, but also I just felt better.  Still suffering, but in a way I thought oh I think I can do this!  And the steel drum band that is always at mile 8 was there, GOSH I WISH I WAS IN THE CARRIBEAN!!!

We have to go back over this bridge that people talk about as the worst hills- yes it is hard and yes I suffered but actually I’m not sure it’s worse than any of the others? Maybe because it was over water I felt it was easier because there was maybe some air circulation there?  And then: we had a mile left.  Yes my legs were now “tired” but not like “done” or dead.  So that was a good thing.  I finished my entire gel during this race (yes I realize some people go through 3 in a race like this, but this is a huge landmark for me to be able to finish one, so I was proud).  I stayed strong to the end, made it up the hill to the finish … the last ½ mile my stomach was actually speaking to me….. I wasn’t sure what but I thought well, I can at least make it…. And I did.  I crossed the line 1:17:30! So that was very happy for me because I held on to this race through some mental challenges and physical as well.  I ended up 3^rd in my age group which is a huge surprise to me because I felt like I was so far back I was just going for finishing, but… ahhhh…. Nearing the ½ century mark will get you there😊  I’m proud of my self for staying “with myself” during this race, self talking it through.  It wasn’t perfect, I had negative stories that I had to overcome, but I did.

So, I finished the race, left and could not believe I Hadn’t had to die in a port o pot, I thought WHAT HAVE I CHANGED?  And I really couldn’t think of anything.  Then I realized- I have been making myself drink water bottles of NUUN electrolytes because I sweat so much in the summer.  And several people have mentioned to me that their electrolytes have been off causing them GI distress and, so I am WONDERING???? If this is a possibility!?

HOWEVER… I got home and.. I don’t want to end this on a bad note.  But… ummm… the GI distress did come.  Sweet Jesus, I am so glad that didn’t happen during the race because I may have been on a bus ride back, I wouldn’t have been able to run.  So, it was just like 1.5 hours post race that I had issues… interesting.

I thought from like mile 1-3 in this race, maybe I shouldn’t do Annapolis every year any more.

And now I am full throttle IN.  Every year- I should try to do Annapolis because

1.       It makes me fitter over the summer if I am training for a KNOWN hot and humid race.  It is what it is.

2.       So many people out there- I felt like this was the “essence” of running---- like all abilities, so spread out, sucha  great supported race.  It’s like a family reunion, a check in, a celebration of doing hard things. (and for the sake of your car- please pack a dry change of clothes so you don’t kill your seats).

3.       Typically I used to high- tail it with my family to Rehoboth after this race.  Due to stupid school calendar changes, now the kids are in school so there is no vacation after this.  Last year I took myself to the beach for a day and a night though after A10- it’s so close.  This year I hadn’t planned on it and… shame on me.  I think finishing this race deserves a post race jump in the waves of the ocean…. There is always next year😊