SHOWING UP FULLY FOR MYSELF

 

AM I SHOWING UP FOR MYSELF?

WELLLLLLL…….After writing the last blog post…. I was in for a rude awakening when I sprained my ankle.

My last post was about racing in 2025 and I was going to do a half marathon in Richmond after having the flu. Not so fast.  I am sidelined from running.

First: the sprain. I’ve sprained that ankle previously (in 1994, so 31 years ago!) and also broke 2 bones in that foot in that incident.  I had a cast on (this was my first year at uva, so it was highly memorable crutching around campus because I of course, being me, refused to take the bus). Anyway, I have had no foot problems in the time since, thankfully.  I think of my ankles and feet honestly as unbelievably strong.  Next time you watch any gymnastics on TV, watch the close ups of the gymnasts feet on the balance beam.  Those toes are like GRIPPERS. Anyway, long story short, I was training someone, doing high single leg jumps with them and, I must have been distracted or I have no idea, I literally came down AT 90 degrees on my ankle. I heard it.  I thought it was broken. I was frozen in shock and wanted to puke and also essentially was still working… ha… so I quickly ended that session- it was just 5 minutes to go, dragged myself to my freezer for ice and still had my eyes bugging out of me thinking, can I Just go back and NOT DO THAT??!!!

So, I cannot backtrack.  I cannot run for approx. 4 weeks apparently. And so I’m highly bummed about that.  I’m bummed because I love it, because I have plans, because I Had spent January and February until I got the flu really training myself solid and getting into a fitness level that I was proud to be consistently working at. AND, I know I’ll lose my run fitness. HOWEVER…. Within 24 hours, I thankfully, was able to adjust my mindset to an athlete’s mindset that I try to follow when I am coaching people who are injured or at a setback.  It is disappointing, but you can ALWAYS LOOK TO THE OPPORTUNITY.  So, I made myself do the same thing.  What is the opportunity here, Sharon? How can I continue to FULLY SHOW UP day to day for myself.

And: there is an opportunity.  There are MANY.

There is an opportunity to train much harder and more consistently on the bike.  I don’t have to “share” my training time with running right now, so I can really get in some good hours on the bike. I can do an “experiment” in what it is like training harder on the bike than on the run.

There is an opportunity for strength and more core and more other things that I love (handstands and yoga).

And this is a chance to practice handling hard things. (I mean, there is frankly enough hard things going on in the world and my life already at the moment and I don’t really need this addition, but here it is, so… I will learn from this). I will practice being resilient with my mindset, not giving up, but just taking a pivot and side road to get to the same destination.  I am seeing the positives- OH MY GOODNESS I realize how lucky I am: so lucky this did not happen in the summer, lucky it wasn’t closer to my marathon in Kauai, lucky it didn’t happen when I was hiking by myself on a mountain in Kauai! GOSH, I do feel thankful for those things AS WELL AS EVEN MORE INSPIRED to do all the rehab- all the things in my power to make sure that I have done my work in strengthening these ligaments that are now more susceptible to a future sprain and ankle roll. So, I’m on it.  I’m fired up. Last blog post, I wrote from this place of calm contentment in my training and outcomes.  I am now fiercely and furiously motivated to attack my days with all the things possible that I can do to get back on track, in the short term and in the long term. I feel almost like I am being reminded of who I am in my core, my essence, the days of Sharon the one who will rise to strength and not let disappointments be the end of my story.

I’m excited and interested to see where this takes me.

For now, I’ll be on my bike, in the pool with a pull buoy, and staying strong, SHOWING UP FULLY FOR MYSELF.

RACING INTO 2025

 

RACING INTO 2025.

Well, here I am, 2 months into 2025.

I have a race scheduled for next weekend- one I’ve been really excited for- the Richmond ½. I’ve never done it before, I love Richmond, I love doing new races, I love having a REASON to be on my treadmill for long distances in the winter. And I have done that WEEKLY. I’ve been proud of my weekly commitment to my training plan and listening to my body, pushing myself, being fully consistent.  I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I’ve been working hard.

I also have been sick the past near 2 weeks. Not sure what it started with, but it hammered me again 4 days ago and I tested positive for flu b. And I’m at this point not pushing a single thing. I just want to honor the sickness and heal well.

That leaves me unsure of next weekend.

Goals, purposes, intentions obviously are changed. And that is ok. As long as it is healthy, I am honestly completely aware of my need to listen to my body and do the very right thing.  So, that means, I have to open my mind to the possibility of going to this event and maybe literally just jogging my way through 13.1 miles.  Even doing that might in all honesty be quite a success. 6 days away and today I’m not even going to jog a mile because I know my lungs are not ready though, so there is also the possibility that I may not be able to healthily go and do this thing. Which is also something I need to begin settling in my head and heart.  I don’t like one bit signing up for a race that I don’t do.  (I’ve unfortunately done this previously and not loved it. Those are different stories- but there was a reston triathlon that I signed up for, drove to the parking lot and it was pouring and I Just thought, this is not my idea of fun and I WENT BACK HOME! I’ll never forget that! Also there was a wine country half marathon that was pouring rain and I decided to skip because it was just going to be a drenched mud slog and again, I just don’t regret missing those 2 events!)

So, I had begun my year training strong, have had a health setback, and now I am preparing to pivot into an unknown week of just being open to finding what is right for me. I of course am not someone who loves not sticking with a plan, not KNOWING what is coming up, and also not being able to plan day by day as I am kind of just listening to how I feel right now. It is life and overall, I’m lucky to have this setback now rather than in the summer.  (please I am praying so fervently to not be sick during summer or before my aug/sept travel!)

So, this only brings me to what I need to keep my feet on: what are the things I can control right now. And those are:

*WRITING THIS: it helps me make sense of things and be measured and to sort things out in my head and heart.

*EATING HEALTHY, DRINKING LOTS OF FLUIDS, RESTING, CALMING MY NERVOUS SYSTEM, doing anything I can for immunity.

*GETTING OTHER THINGS DONE NOW.  I am not spending hours on my feet right now, so I can spend some of that time getting other things done that I don’t want to when it is summer and I’m in top mode fitness function.

 

So those things will get me through this initial beginning of March frustration with having been sick and I know I need to look FURTHER FORWARD now.

BIG GOAL OF THE YEAR RACING WISE IS: to stay fit and healthy through the summer so that I can run the Kauai marathon at the end of August.

I am registered for ½ IM (70.3) in PA which is a NEW TO ME race (in mid June) and I’m intrigued by it and excited to have it on the calender. It is a hilly bike and run.  I have no goals of being fast in this race, my goal is to train to complete it well. Obviously it is going to be hard, I know I won’t “feel well” through the whole thing, but I want to be strong enough to grit through it and be stronger because I trained consistently and hard through the next 3 months (starting asap after this health setback) and also the race itself is always another notch in fitness.  You will always be stronger after completing a race.

So then I will have 10 weeks until marathon to take a step back week and recover from 70.3 and then carry on with my long runs, swim/strength/cycling.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to do 2 of my favorite races (Luray Tri as well as Annapolis 10 Miler) because I don’t know yet when my kids will be moving into college this fall and we will have 2 of those move in times, so that is just off the radar for now.

I love doing Wine Country 1/2  which is 5/31, however I am not yet registered and have this hesitation because it is around the time of graduation, end of school year, so much with schedules and I know I’ll be also trying to get long bike rides in. So, that “filler, fun run” is being considered, as well as Culpeper Tri which was just one of my FAVORITE DAYS of last years summer! I’ll see how things are going, I just don’t want to over-reach and in any way jeopardize my ability to run in Kauai.

Now, I want to cycle back to the interesting thing about this years races. It is not escaping me that I just don’t have this huge urge to “perform”. Like I want to BE FIT.  I want to get out and do hard things and struggle and do my best in training each day of my plan so that I am in the best possible shape on race day.  However, for example, in Kauai- I do not intend to blast my body. (a marathon will be enough of a blast). I’d like to run without walking, HOWEVER, I am completely open to the possibility of walking and pausing and reveling in my surroundings.  And that seems to be really my thought for the 70.3PA race also- I want to have no doubts that I did my work in preparation and I want to work hard on race day, but more importantly, safely and smart. I just find it interesting that there really isn’t even a percentage of me that thinks “RACE MINDSET”. I feel happy to be engaging in the sports I enjoy, mostly so that each week, I get to get out for my intensity run intervals that I like to do, some hill repeats, some easy and aerobic fun times, my long workouts on the weekends. I’m proud of myself to not be scared to be slower than I ever have been. I feel as if my mental standpoint is at a place of “intensity in the training and build- get gritty in the day to day, so that I can revel in the feeling of fitness and awe at my events”!

As always, writing this was helpful to myself, to iron out some thoughts along the way. I think it may not be the most organized writing, but it sure did organize what are my benchmarks of fun for the year!

BASICS OF NUTRITION: The quick and easy and never changing.....

 

BASIC NUTRITION NUTS AND BOLTS

I want to keep this as short as possible.  Obviously it could be a book. Nutrition can seem like SO MUCH. So many plans, philosophies, numbers, timing, adaptogens, supplements, all the things.

It’s so complicated. And also, so simple.

THINGS THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE:

*You will not get fat from eating fruit. Or eating fruit at certain times of day.  I challenge you to show me someone who got fat from eating too many apples. Oranges. Whatever. (also bananas aren’t going to make you fat, I cannot talk of this further0.

*You do not need to “cleanse” (if you have working organs, your body gets rid of stuff it doesn’t need).

*Attempt to get as much of your nutrition from FOOD SOURCES as possible, rather than supplements, where vitamins and minerals are absorbed in combinations that naturally occur together in certain foods. Then, fill in the gaps.

*Fresh food is always better than packaged AND YES: we live in a world where we will eat packaged food so just try to eat fresh in situations where it is possible.

*Most of us know 1-2 nutritional changes that we really should work on, so acknowledge those things and make a plan, including hydration.

THE BASICS:

EAT IN MODERATION. An occasional treat is not going to ruin your body composition.

2 QUESTIONS TO ALWAYS ASK YOURSELF when eating a snack or meal: 1. What is my protein or calcium 2. What is my fruit or vegetable.  (A snack of an apple is not adequate- pair it with a protein or calcium).

PLAN AHEAD! WASH and PREP FOOD! (This takes like 20 minutes on a Sunday to maybe boil eggs, make quinoa to add to salads, prep overnight oats containers, wash/chop veggies to have available to use. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE HUNGRY to plan or eat!

DO NOT EAT IN ONE DAY IN A WAY THAT YOU COULDN’T maintain for the rest of your life.

CARBS ARE NOT AN ENEMY (especially if you exercise, and you obviously should). Obviously don’t overdo, maintain balance, and choose QUALITY/whole grains.

FOCUS ON INCLUSION VERSUS EXCLUSION: PRIOTIZE getting IN what you need rather than making a huge mental focus on statements of things to avoid.

Protein: lean proteins, every time you are eating, there should be some protein (and fiber)

Fiber: check labels- make this a priority to accumulate

Plants/veggies/fruits: every single day try to get as close to 5 fruits and 5 veggies daily!

Whole grains: these are not bad for you!  And they have many more nutrients that you won’t get if you are avoiding!

Healthy fats: add PB to a smoothie, avocado to sandwich/salad, fish high in omega 3 regularly.

Heartache

 Maybe not my most uplifting writing, but it's been a hard few weeks.

“Heartbreak is what happens when love is lost.”

“To love with any level of intensity and honesty is to become vulnerable.”

“Heartbreak is unavoidable unless we choose not to love at all.”

-Joe Reynolds

Oh, my heart.

I was 16 when my heart was broken. I remember lying in bed, in the dark of night, wondering if I would die of the pain in my body. In my chest. I realized it was my heart. That the word “heartache” wasn’t just a word. I realized mine literally was physically broken. I could literally feel it. I had no idea if this was normal.

34 years later, I feel these similar feelings- not the personal depth, but the pangs of the heart. It is hard to describe. The sharp intensity of angst, the corners of despair. And now I know. This is my heart and it’s doing what it does. The flight crash last week in DC brings back my internal horror of 9/11. My terror of what so many people are dealing with in the dark of the night. So many families and friends are laying there with these cells just dying within. And it seems like it is a slow tearing, like heartbreak is actually a torture of the heart.  It isn’t the rip of a band aid and done. It is there, slowly staying.

And you learn to live, knowing what is going on inside. You realize you aren’t the only human that has ever felt this and you won’t be the last. AND… that you are alone in the feelings of your heart.

You go to work the next day, the bus stop, the grocery store, for a walk, and you realize that you are on your own island, figuring out how to do this alone. There will be no one coming to save you. Nothing can turn reality around. You will never unlearn this, you can never unfeel this.

I’ve always been “too sensitive”.  To me, what an insult. That means soft, not strong. That means I’m not strong enough to weather the storm, that I’m a liability, the weak link.

But I realize now. I realize now the power of the vulnerability to feel so much, care so much, connect so much, human so much. We are all one. I am you. I share your pain and heartache. I see the story of your loved one, I see the story of your humanity.  I see perfection in the imperfect lives and families and stories that were lost. My cells are tearing, the walls are seeping their powerhouses and strength. I cannot live without being connected, even to those I do not know. I am unknowingly carrying, or wanting, to help carry a segment of this loss. I know it personally, I am you; I am of this world. I’ve picked myself up and figured out how to somehow stand up in the morning, to just go one more day.

“The brokenhearted are the bravest among us- they dared to love.” -Brene Brown.

Our country is at a crisis point I never imagined. My insides are reeling, there is always grief under anxiety. My heart is doing its thing.  For all those who have come before us and lived the ideals of our nation.  Who have served, worked, believed in, trusted, risked and LIVED the ideals of our country. And, we seem to be seeing, day by day, there is no one coming to save us.  Noone to stand up for what has been fought for and died for. The intensity of these days is not lost on me, and I am living it alongside so many.

And I’ll take it. I will find my way. I accept it.  You cannot shut out grief and heartbreak without also shutting out the possibility of joy and love. What I am holding onto as the way to wake up and carry on is the fact that we can only control where we put our attention, where we focus our own energy.  And I am choosing to continue putting my attention and energy in the things I love about the world, the way I like to be in the world, the joys that I love experiencing and sharing with others. I want to continue waking up with delight at the day, what I get to do and share and be a part of.  Every day, I try to remember to say a morning prayer of “Dear God, thank you for the gift of this day” and that is how I want to continue living my days in this world, seeing the gift, seeing the glimmers of hope and possibility and joy and love. I will find refuge in living with a full, open and brave heart. Life is both brutal and beautiful.

The Sound of Silence, the gift of quiet.

 

How ironic to have so much to say about silence. I have to actually wonder what people think of me in terms of if I am quiet or loud.  I am super quiet.  I am also loud. And very often, I enjoy silence.  I’m quiet in meeting new people, large groups and I try to be quiet when I’m listening to people.  I’m LOUD when I am speaking sometimes (sometimes I think it is too harsh and loud sounding when I hear myself) but I also am thankful that I can project my voice.  And many of you know I love silence.  Silence often coincides with my alone time.  As an introvert, my heart flutters just thinking of these times! 

I travel alone usually once a year. I’ve had people ask me if I get bored being by myself. And I looked at them like they had a zillion heads.  Oh my gosh NO. I love being by myself, I don’t have to be careful, ask anyone else when or what they want to eat, if I am being too much, too active, too this or that.  I am purely myself. I frankly find that to be bliss.  I find though on these trips that it actually is interesting that when you are alone, you end up meeting people and having conversations more because people are more likely to talk to someone by themselves than obviously if I were with someone talking.  So, it is a nice way to get to have conversations with local people.  It is a nice blend with the silence of spending days on my own.  It is nice to be in nature, hiking and listening to the sounds of nature, letting my inner thoughts just run free. Somehow, letting this silence wash over me for some time, just feels refreshing. Any overwhelm just dissipates and clarity of my mind and heart connecting, being free, just reignites my energy.

It reminds me of going out for long runs.  I mostly run by myself. When training for long races, marathons, half ironmans (long time ago was the full ironman race)….  I spend hours with myself, hours both in my head but also just letting my mind dissociate.  I have learned how to do channel tools to manage this time on my own, how to focus inwards, how to focus outwards. How to manage situations that arise that I need to reorient how to keep on, how to calm, how to be with myself through challenges. Some runs, this silence is my favorite part of the run.  Other times, when things aren’t going well, I get FRUSTRATED and wish I had help, company, an escape route. But in the end, I think it is one of the great benefits of long distance training and endurance sports is to learn these lessons of figuring out the strength within to trust yourself, to make it work, to sometimes just survive!

In the past 6 months, I Had hours and hours of silence as I drove from VA to NY when my mom was in the hospital, and then died. The first trip was shock, panic, despair, unknown, worry, confusion.  I first called my sweet daughter, Phoebe, to make sure she knew what was happening.  I knew I needed to be strong for her and it strengthened me.  After that, I drove in silence.  I talked to a few friends along the way, but it was 7 hours of silence other than those few phone calls.  I love music, podcasts… but I did not want anything in my ears. It was strange. I could not dare turn on the radio. My heart literally needed silence.  Have you ever had that experience? There was so much stimulation that I Honestly just could not take more.

Sometimes my mind was reeling.  Sometimes it was still. I drove back after my mom died. 7 more hours of silence. Allowing time, stillness and silence to do its work. There could literally be no distractions or stimulation.

Over the past 2 years I have begun listening to podcasts while I run/walk. I am so thankful for them and enjoy them.  However, there are times when I just know.  I need silence. Nothing in the ears. I need  my ears to be all in connection with my heart.  I need my ears to be open to the air, the nothingness. I remember in Maui this past April hiking alone and hearing the silence and thinking, “silence is a sound”!! The sound of the air, the palms, the universe connecting to your heart. Have you ever heard that sound?

I have people who sometimes tell me that they cannot come to my yoga class because they cannot be “with themselves” for an hour. I think those are the people that need to come the most!  (and not for flexibility reasons). We (myself included) can get so used to having constant external pings on our system- stimulation coming from everywhere, that it becomes even that much more important to practice the skill of being present. I sometimes try to not even say “focused” because that sometimes sounds like it is this rigid way of intensity and just can seem like you need to be focused on something, but what?!  I like to think of it as more of a soft focus, or just simply awareness of the moment. Can you be with yourself?

I went last weekend to a “float spa”- salt water- sensory deprivation, temperature of water and air match, darkness. There were so many things that were interesting (that is for another conversation). But I will tell you for sure:  If I did not do yoga- I literally would NOT have been able to stay in that float spa for 55 minutes. To be with yourself and be able to just be.  That sometimes takes practice. But, also, what a beautiful thing.  To be “at home in yourself”.  To be able to find that place where all you need is yourself. To be able to hear your breath and heart. That is really, honestly a lot. But what a celebration and bliss of life to be able to be with yourself. I really was proud and thankful that I had the skill and had put in the work to be where I am.  I have said to my kids and my classes and clients, “be where your feet are” because I know how important that is.  But really, also, be where you find your heart.  Life is fleeting. How lucky we are, and sometimes I find the miracle is best felt in this space of being able to be fully in connection with myself in silence.

I sometimes hear the sound of silence and realize it is the sound of life, and it reminds me of the quote by Ruth Haley Barton, “We are starved for quiet, to hear the sound of sheer silence that is the presence of God himself.” This past year, hiking in silence in Maui, I paused in exhilaration as I really felt the presence of communication in the sounds of the wind in my ears, the literal air felt like it was speaking to me, actually hugging me. And, thankfully, I was present to be in awareness of this miraculous gift.

BOTH YES AND NO!

 

Both YES and NO

I turn 50 years old this year and I have a list of 50 things that I am excited to do in the year.  It’s somewhat a year of saying “YES” to things that I’ve hesitated on, put aside as a non-priority, and now I’m deciding to be unapologetically prioritizing these experiences, memories and opportunities. I am reminding myself to very much say YES to delights, curiosities and things that tug at my heart and stir my soul. I think saying yes can be important, even when sometimes it is scary, when it feels self-indulgent, or even unnecessary. So, at the beginning of the new year, it’s been exciting to turn the page and go after some of my “bucket list” items and pursue some of the goals I have for the year.

It is always so controversial (eye roll) talking about new year, new years resolutions, those who believe in setting “resolutions” and those who say, you are fine and worthy as you are!  AND YES, I also believe that we are worthy as we are! We don’t need to become more or less of ourselves to be worthy.  AND I also believe that it is hugely gratifying to many people to live in an intentional way, aware of our highest aspirations!  To work towards our truest self, towards our highest visions, and what is important to us!  So, I just refuse to hear, honestly, how resolutions are bad, that they set us up to devalue ourselves. I think, on the other hand, it shows how much we value every day as a way to live our lives with heart awareness.

I wonder sometimes if the word “resolution” is part of the problem. I think the word resolution can be confused with willpower—like I am going to WILL MYSELF against all my might to… make this thing happen… that is so hard and against the grains of my bones.  Like giving something up for the 40 days of Lent- I resolve to eat no chocolate or to cut something out, or I resolutely promise to make something more important to me than it really is.

I don’t think of my “Yes’s” or my new years “resolutions” as a matter of WILLPOWER, but rather a matter of delight and desire.  I want to work my way towards this goal.  I want to try to swing on a trapeze and try new things, so I will honor myself and do these things!

I recognize that, for myself at least, sometimes it is scary to say YES to something.  It makes me vulnerable to admit I have a goal, and I want to work towards it. Of course it is vulnerable to have a goal, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong, or bad, or that I am not honoring myself in the present moment!

I think it is important at times in our life to say YES even when we are scared. And, on the flip side, I think it is equally important to learn, practice and be brave enough to say NO. Sometimes NO is even braver. The day of my trapeze class, a young girl was there and presumably wanted to try swinging on the trapeze.  For the entire 2-hour class, she got up the ladder, stood there, began to cry, and came back down (the ladder…. Not off the trapeze). And, if I’m being honest, I had to think that she may have been the bravest of all that day. What courage it takes to say, especially when you are the only one, (maybe some of the current US Senators should take notice), no, this is not right for me, and my brave is a resounding NO for today. I trust myself enough to say NO.  In fact, in order to say YES, sometimes you need to say NO to other things that are in the way. Maybe spending my time scrolling social media is getting in the way of other things that are more of a priority for me and I need to say NO to some of the time I find myself wasting.

So, I write this with excitement for the Yes’s and the No’s to come!  The journey towards goals, the energy and spark that it gives me to have a path… a path that can of course be shifted, reoriented and changed, but let’s see what some of the new adventures bring!

 

What are you saying YES to this year? What are you saying NO to?

LESSONS FROM THE TRAPEZE

 

LESSONS from the TRAPEZE SWING!

Ohhhh boy!! This was a day.

Over 10 years ago, I heard about this circus school in the city that had trapeze classes.  I was of COURSE intrigued and wanted to go.  But- there was always a reason why not- of course I don’t want to go in summer when I can be outdoors in the sunshine. I also didn’t want to do anything weird with my hips or back and have a situation where my back was already off and then I landed in a way that tweaked my body into injury for work and my other passions.

So I waited. Far too long.  Since I am turning 50 this year, I am on a quest to check off some boxes of things I really want to do! And this was a TOP priority- new year- winter- my back is fine right now.  I signed up. That was the easy part!

I signed up about a week and a half before the class was to be held, and the 24-48 hours after signing up, I started thinking… what in the world have I done?! What if I get there and cannot even hold onto a trapeze swing, or what if I literally cannot step off and take a first swing! I legit had FEAR. And that was another sign to me…. I NEED TO DO THIS.  Of course, I know that fear isn’t comfortable, but when I feel fear, I realize that if I do not do it, I will create a story for myself that I cannot do something, and that will become honestly a slippery slope leading me to not do more and more things. I have noticed over the past 10 years as I’m aging that I do have little hints of fear once in a while- I love traveling solo, but I also sometimes get this hesitation/fear like what if I cannot do this trip alone, or handle things on my own, and it reminds me that I NEED to do this😊 I realize now that I was already in this space of “imaginary fear”- of having front and center of my mind the fear of the POSSIBILITY of things that could go wrong.

Anyhow, the day arrived and I made my way to the city, having really no idea what I was in store for. I actually had no idea that it was literally in a circus tent! They had heaters, but if I go again I think I would try to not go on such a cold day- the winds outside were gusting and you could totally see it whipping the tent material! I parked (that was a little issue, but all worked out fine) and made my way to my lesson.

The others in my group were mostly newbies also except a young girl of 7 years old who had done this before! They got us belted up in these safety belts and we went over for I think they called it “ground training” which was hanging on a low trapeze bar.  I’m not really sure what the training here was- I think mostly for them to see if we could actually hold our body weight on a bar?  Because we got on and didn’t do anything or swing here, we just hopped down and that was all. We were now onto the MAIN EVENT.

MY FIRST TIME:

Well- first climbing the ladder was its own not small event.  It was high and I honestly had some doubts that I might not even be able to climb to the top of the ladder.  I did, whew! I was telling myself just don’t look down.

Onto the platform. Ok- this is not a huge platform- you have to shimmy around this small ladder on it that you can hold on to. They put your new safety harness clips on your belt as you hold that ladder.  Then there is a tool on a pole with a hook that catches the trapeze bar and pulls it in… BUT NOT ENOUGH!  The worker up there was holding the back of my belt and I was supposed to put toes on edge and lean my hips forward and reach with one arm to catch the bar with my right hand first (while the left held the other ladder). I could not reach it. He kept telling me to lean my hips/straighten my left arm, hang forward, and I was VERY reluctant, and also didn’t really quite understand that I was really supposed to basically put all of my body weight forward and that he was intending to hold my whole body weight.  I really thought at this point, “SHIT- I cannot even GRAB the BAR!” Finally, I got myself to lean enough to grab with right hand.  He said now left. I thought I was going to vomit. My hands are sweating even as I type this. I don’t know how I ended up getting myself to let go of my sturdy ladder and put my left hand on the trapeze swing, which is out into the abyss of airspace, and I guess from there, I think there is literally no backing out, I’m going. As I lean, I feel like I’m going to vomit either from fear or the huge pressure of that safety belt smooshing my insides under my rib cage.  There legitimately were 10 seconds where my whole fear turned into embarrassment about the possibility of me contaminating the circus net with getting sick.

They made the “call” READY and I was supposed to bend my knees in half squat.

Then “Hep” is the call for GO and then we are supposed to jump.  I think my first step was some feeble lean into the before mentioned abyss of air space and WHOOOOOAAAAA ACROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TENT I FLY! So, we really weren’t instructed on what to do once we were swinging, HA!!! You would have thought someone would have asked “how will I get DOWN?” I mean I know the net was under us to get down onto, but I didn’t really know- what is the plan for this swing!

This is how things proceeded: after my big first arc of a swing she calls out, “KNEES IN”. I was supposed to tuck my knees to chest and put knees on top of the bar by the time I got to other side.  I don’t even honestly recall if I got there in time, but then she calls “Hands OFF”.  I am not joking.  UPSIDE DOWN across the air space I go and I am letting go?  I am pretty sure I missed the exact time/ maybe took an extra swing?  I did though at one point, and then she calls, “Hands ON” and we pull ourselves back to hands, take feet out and When she calls “Let go” or something, I remember being like, eeeeekkkk and just plop to the net below?!  Thank goodness the first time was the most scary. 

Watching other people try to grab the bar made me a little queasy also, but honestly they all looked like it was so easy.  An instructor came over and pulled me aside for some “remediation training” as she knew I was scared to the max up there.  She showed me how I was supposed to lean literally my ENTIRE BODY WEIGHT- like the purpose wasn’t to lean a little, but for the person to literally hold your weight until you go.  OK. That made more sense, and I was hoping that would make it easier for my hands to connect with the bar.

Gosh, I couldn’t believe I had to march up that ladder again.  I was worried I’d go through the same terror. I instructed the guy at the top that I had received some additional coaching and that I now knew he was going to hold my entire weight and I proceeded to instruct him...???..... "so I’m going to trust that you have got me just like she did down on the ground."  He calls right hand, and I take the bar. He says left hand and I begin to let him know…. That once again…. I apparently believed I was calling the shots here and that I wanted once again to remind him to hold my weight and I was now going to trust him and that I am NOW going to reach my left hand forward.  Got it.  I took my swing, everything so much better, I get my knees on quick, I release my hands, arch my back on the swing, hands back on, well now she is calling “3 Kicks into a back flip off”… I start kicking and then look over and say “WHAT????” like--- you didn’t tell me when my feet were on solid ground that I’d be doing a back flip dismount.  I feel like even though I’ve done this off of bars before I need some instruction here- I mean I am over 30 years past gymnast years now.  Nope, she says go - 3 kicks and then release hands to back flip!

Mercy. I did it. Couldn’t believe it. I come off the net and she says so much better, but, here is your goal for next time- Let the guy up there do his job.  You don’t need to tell him how to do it, let’s work on your trust issues!  I could have DIED LAUGHING… Yes, you had me here for 10 minutes and have me pegged.

Next time up, I was finally getting the hang of this and the confidence that I COULD trust, I could lean in, I can let go, that the teachers know what they are doing, I don’t need to be doubting!  I am simply supposed to listen to their calls and DO. Stop thinking. It reminded me almost about the moment before a race- the gun goes off- you don’t sit around waiting and wondering.  It’s your signal. And it reminded me that the worst part, the hardest part, is the mental chatter BEFORE the gun, before the start. When you are IN it, you can trust yourself, while you are doing your thing.  But the beforehand is this space of not doing where doubts and fears reside when you aren't  “in the body” but “in your mind”.  Nothing good happens in the mind! I’ve heard there are 70,000 thoughts that go through our mind in a typical day. That is 70,000 choices of what to listen to. It’s a reminder that we are not our thoughts, it is what we choose to pay attention to, what we choose to feed ourselves through continuing those thoughts as we weave them into stories.  My stories often end up unfortunately in the doubting myself category; in thinking I have to go further and more than anyone else to just scrape by, assuming I am below, beneath, undeserving.  This trapeze situation revealed, once again, my reluctance to trust myself and a trepidation to fully embody self confidence. I see it, I own it, I'm a big huge work in progress.

 After the instructor called me out, I began watching the scene as it was unfolding around me and how others were handling the situation in different ways, how the instructors knew what they were doing, were calling out instructions that were meant to be acted on at that moment for timing purposes (rather than first having a pause to have inner negotiations). I started to integrate and see these lessons that were right before my eyes that I am capable, I can count on myself, I can count on this community.

I also realized once I was called out on it- that at least in this instance, I had to rely on others. Ohhhh, that is a hard one for me. But there would be NO trapeze swinging if I didn’t allow help, like it or not.  I had to let it go right then and there.  Allow help and trust. I couldn’t even spend my time pondering this, I just had to begin feeling it.

I’m so glad that I finally said YES to this, YES to myself and the types of things that bring me through challenges and also great joy! Opportunities like this give us opportunities to PRACTICE BEING BRAVE, to practice stepping off into the unknown, to have no regrets. My list of 50 things for this year isn't full of events as exciting as the trapeze, but all are worth making time for, and I am FULLY EXCITED to make things happen!  I won't forget the trapeze day, if anyone wants to go, I'm up to go again!