TAKING CARE OF OUR SELVES- WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?

 

WHY YOGA? WHY DO THE THINGS WE NEED TO DO?!

I’ve been meaning to write this for a week, but it seems to big, too important and I know my words cannot do justice for the passion burning inside me. I went to a conference a week ago and, as always at these events, was reinvigorated. I care so much about the people I work with.

To care about your health and fitness- what does that mean?  Well, it means sometimes doing things you don’t necessarily WANT to do.  It means sometimes going out of your way.  It means asking yourself, “if I’m not taking care of myself fully in the way that I know how to, why not?” and “if not now, what am I waiting for? What would it take, a health disaster for me to start really making choices based on knowledge and research?”

(Some of you have heard this in the week since)- but there was a session and the guy leading the session was saying that if you do these stretches/strengthening exercises 2x/day for 2 weeks, research shows it realigns /balances discrepancies in joint angles and alignment. Well, when I heard that, I’m thinking – how does this guy get people to do these things 2x/day when I sometimes just have people do something ONCE and that doesn’t always get adhered to.  I asked, “what strategies have you found successful in having people adhere to doing this twice/day?”

The response was: “do you brush your teeth twice/day?” (embarrassingly I nod yes).. and he says, “Why are we taking care of only our teeth twice/day?”  And honestly it was such a good question. For real.  I mean- why is it really so much to take care (ESPECIALLY WHEN WE HAVE PAIN!!??!!) of our physical bodies 2x/day?  Why would we NOT take 2x/day 5-10 minute to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in how we feel, move and go about our world. Why have we learned from the time we are babies that our teeth are the biggest thing to take care of twice/day?!  Why not our spine, our muscles, our joints; why is this not a GIVEN??!! As much as I love and believe that what we do makes a difference- it really felt eye opening to me that yea- we choose what to take care of.  We have time. It is a choice.

We know the importance of regular exercise in optimizing health and reducing disease, but we still don’t always make the choices in line with our knowledge.  We KNOW that we are too stressed out, but do we take the time to regularly practice slowing down.  We know we are tight, we know we need more balance (both physical balance and balance of the ways we expend our energy and balance of our fitness), but do we incorporate this balance into our weekly fitness program.

WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE TO BEGIN?

That brings me to the practice of YOGA.  Some of you know I started as the unlikeliest person to do yoga.  I actually walked out of the first class I took in college. (They were doing alternate nostril breathing and oh mY GOSH I HAD NO TIME FOR THAT- I know it just was not the right place for me to get a foot – hold into making yoga an accessible practice to me).

I cannot say that I know what is right for everyone, but I can say that if you are someone who wants to be in tune with your own self, feel what it feels like to be in your body, have a slowing down of your mind, learning to be more patient with yourself and others, practice being in the moment, (not even yet mentioning the actual PHYSICAL parts of yoga), then I think you should give it a fair shot.  And a fair shot doesn’t mean trying it once or twice). What about 6 months?

In 6 months: What if you:

Learned to breathe: What if you could slow your entire being down enough to take actual full and nourishing and nurturing breaths, and what does that even mean?  And really- what does that FEEL LIKE in your body? (because we KNOW that our life experiences for the most part have taught us to NOT feel things in our body, to ignore sensations). So, what if we used our full muscles of respiration to strengthen those- to help us in so many ways having stronger lungs, along with all of the hormonal changes that come with calming the nervous system with full and complete breaths that coordinate with the muscular movements of breath. Honestly, how amazing even is THAT. 

Stop doubting yourself. What if you were able to catch yourself when you were busy doubting yourself, thinking you didn’t know how to do something, and instead began trusting the wisdom of your body.  Trusting your body’s natural instincts.

Learn to be with yourself. Can we practice literally sitting with ourselves.  Standing with ourselves.  Breathing with ourselves.  And then MOVING WITH OURSELVES.  WITH our natural rhythm of breath. Can we find a way to not look outside of ourselves to distract ourselves from what arises, even uncomfortable sometimes, from within.  The only way to be true to ourselves and know ourselves is to take some time with ourselves, right?

Practice patience. I mean, I don’t think I’m alone in being one of the people in the world struggling to be more patient.  It is hard. We are always a work in progress on this. (unless you aren’t in the place of working on it?!)  In practice, can you be patient with yourself:  can you be patient when you fall, when your mind wanders, can you over and over give yourself the grace that you would give your best friend who is working on something?

Be curious and open. It makes me amazed at the open mindedness that it takes to show up at a yoga practice with really no idea what is coming and to be OPEN to just following, open to doing things that maybe aren’t your favorite (but maybe those are the most important things to do!)

Practice being in the body with no goals, practice for the sake of just practice, not need to be good. PRACTICE FEELING WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE IN YOUR BODY! AND OK IN THAT SPaCE! What does it feel like to relax (while upright and awake).  What does it feel like to raise your arms to the sky and lift your chin?!  Do you feel free in a sense that you’ve never felt?  What does it feel  like to push DOWN into your heel and feel your BODY connecting in some fundamental way to the earth that you RISE FROM.  Sometimes yoga is awe, wonder in movement, astonishing amazement.  We are so lucky to experience life.

Did I say learn how to breathe?  Yea, It’s kinda important.

Be okay right now, one moment at a time. It’s so common to always be either looking forward- working TOWARDS something (and you know I’m not against having goals!) or looking back/ ruminating/ regretting. To have the ability to settle into the present moment… HERE… NOW… relieves so much anxiety, if even for moments you can come back to presence, you find your body softening, breathing settles, what circulates in the body shifts. It is frankly quite amazing.

Practice imperfection: Ok – it’s so common to hear people who “cannot do yoga.” And that is not a thing. If someone thinks or says that “they cannot do yoga,” they don’t even maybe know it isn’t a thing!  Everyone can do yoga and every single persons yoga looks different. My arms lifted straight over my shoulders LOOK DIFFERENT than someone else’s arms overhead.  That doesn’t mean I cannot do it because mine might not go as narrow.  My downdog will look different than 100 other people’s downdogs because of TONS of reasons- ankle bone shape, calf and foot flexibility, arm and leg length differences, hip and spine differences!  YOGA IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! IT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE! And that is part of the practice – to learn to be genuinely in the place that is only right for YOU.  If we go into tree position and you fall 7 x while we are in one tree position- that still does not mean you cannot do yoga!  YOU ARE- falling is part of it! It is such a GIFT to arrive on the mat knowing that your practice will never be perfect.  (there isn’t even really a “perfect” in yoga- it just is what it is). We can LET GO and LET OURSELVES BE. Would you tell your best friend that “they couldn’t do yoga” because they aren’t awesome at balancing, or because they have tight hamstrings?  Of course not.  Treat yourself like your very own best friend and show up for yourself.

Physical:  What if we got in 6 months time to a place where our bodies were on their way to resetting in an aligned posture: with shoulders back and down, awareness of how we feel our feet, stand with a tall spine, engaging core.  What if we regularly NOTICED being able to relax our neck and jaw. 

WHAT IF we learned to breathe in a way that signals to our nervous system that we are calm, so we turn on parasympathetic nervous system (instead of fight or flight which so many of us are accustomed to being in). 

How often do you twist and breathe in that twist?  If you don’t, you are losing over time the ability to have that range of motion.  Same with side bending, with reaching, reaching behind you, learning forward.

Maybe most of all, in yoga, WE PRACTICE BEING “EMBODIED”- that means being in tune with the sensations of our body, of listening to what feels right and TRUSTING OURSELVES.  Enjoying the feeling of raising our arms over shoulders.  Of circling arms, of looking UPWARDS, of noticing our bodies feeling free within movement.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN WILL YOU BEGIN?

LURAY TRI 2024

 

LURAY 2024

I love race writeups.  I realize they are rarely read, but they are SO IMPORTANT FOR ME! So, here we go!

Well, let’s start 4 weeks back.

I did Culpeper Tri end of July and my training had been actually feeling really fun and GOOD! I had some bike/runs where I felt really strong and in control and more back to being “running” for me since my back/hamstring saga of 2023. It felt GOOD. And honestly, that was my only goal- to FEEL GOOD. And this feeling isn’t like placing, winning, but feeling like my work has resulted in something! I did feel this way and really was satisfied and SUPER MOTIVATED!

Until 2 days later when I got diagnosed w/covid. F. (last covid in Jan 2024 KILLED ME for 3 months- 3 months of freaking naps every freaking day, feeling like a SHELL OF MYSELF SO DEPRESSED because I just was NOT ME.) So I was worried.  After the first week (took Paxlovid), I thought I was really progressing so tried to ease back in. And for a weekend, it seemed great!  And then…. (maybe I overdid?) it wasn’t. I’ve gone through 147 tissue boxes, cannot breathe without sniffing still, and I wake up feeling like a BUS ran over my BODY.  I get going and feel ok beginning mid morning able to fake my way through some things…. Then- feel like I DIE again (even though I’ve been gentle and let myself go and sit at pool and read (which has turned into eyes closed holding a book- that is how tired I’ve been).  I took dogs for a walk last week and honestly almost sat on the sidewalk on way home.  That is when I was SURE that my body is just not fully recovered.

I adjusted expectations for Luray.  We moved Phoebe into her dorm room yesterday, so it was a busy day, and I gave myself an opportunity to not go if I decided I didn’t think it was best.  But- I also know this race makes me HAPPY.  I love the lake surrounded by mountains.  I love the bike course where you climb and climb and then arrive with like a huge panoramic VISTA!!! I love the run where again you climb a hill, turn a corner and the countryside and SUN and HEAT just beat down on your shoulders.  I literally break out into a smile numerous times in this race.  I decided to be a big girl, adjust expectations and go for it.

Got up at 3:30/ left house at 4:15 to get there for packet pickup and bike racking. All good.  It was a possibility of rain, but NONE! YIPPEE!!

The race venue changed- there are fences around the beach area/ volleyball courts and changing rooms taken down, the dock taken down.  I’m not sure why, that was disappointing.  We have like 15 years of taking kids there (when young) and acting like this was a “vacation beach” and jumping and playing all day after the race.  The memories are so special.

I was nervous lining up for the swim.  I was nervous because I knew that I truly wasn’t fully recovered and I feel like I really “respect” that my body is doing its own thing and I cannot override it by sheer will.  And my worry was that I wouldn’t be okay in the water. And if you are not ok in the run, you can walk.  But in the water, I was worried about …. (going under).  I tried to keep myself calm, warm up with bouncing around and loosening shoulders enough to get mobile.  I began and … FELT GREAT!  (maybe if you think the worst, it just feels really good?)  The ENTIRE SWIM felt great- okay now HALT- that doesn’t mean I felt FAST! It just means I felt strong, didn’t have any breathing problems, didn’t have anyone “in my space” pushing me down, getting anxiety going, etc.  I honestly don’t care about my time- I FELT GOOD! Yea yea!

 

The transition from swim/bike is new for the past 2 years (new race management) and it is freaking LONG. There is first a flight of like 30-40 steps to go up from the beach. This is immediately after you’ve been horizontal swimming 1.5K, so blood flow is just returning to upright and it’s hard.  Then there were branches/tree roots to navigate, gravel.  Goodness. I was as quick as I could.

Hopped on my bike and let’s GO! Except a few miles in, I realize- my legs really don’t “feel” like going hard and strong like I previously have.  They just aren’t “responding.”  Like I know how to train hard, go hard, but this seemed to be like a non result. But I was passing people left and right.  I had 3 people pass me (in my recollection maybe I am forgetting) the entire time- all men, and all during downhills.  So I was trying to tell myself- we are ALL in same boat on these mountains.  Keep the effort. It was beautiful and I was trying to immerse myself in the joy, and also be smart and keep fueling. (but I honestly didn’t really feel like it- maybe I didn’t eat enough)? It was also MUCH hotter than expected.  There was a chance of rain, and at my last race, it was FREEZING beforehand. So I brought a sweatshirt for before this one and it was ROASTING and I had to even take off my tee shirt.  On the bike it was HOT on my back and I (loved it) but kept thinking, what will this mean for the run? I was coughing so much, which was also annoying.  Maybe from being in the water horizontal then upright on the bike it was like the top of my throat seemed COVERED in mucous. The coughing was kind of a helpful “on your left” at times when I was passing people so that they knew I was there.  I just kept doing what I could do and trying to not beat myself up for not FEELING my FIERCEST.

Made it through. Got to T2 and honestly was nervous because I knew I wasn’t like on all cylinders.

Started the run, saw Ryan and waved!  I acted happy because I know that is psychologically good. Mile 1 I tried to stay calm- just see how things are feeling.  I had a 7:45 split (a bit downhill here), but I thought, OHHHH maybe not terrible here?! 

Mile 2 I realized. SHIT. (literally). I have to go to a port o pot and I do not know if there is one out here.  I’m kinda scanning for areas in case. And also start to feel a bit shaky in legs.  I’m fueling, taking UCAN gel sips and water. Trying to remain.  I should mention when I was leaving T2 a woman told me “I think you are first place triathlon woman” so I had in my head, hmmm… wonder who is around- maybe in front or how close behind. And: I have to go to the bathroom- I saw a girl after turnaround at 1.5 and she was close.  I thought, just keep yourself moderate intensity and maybe your stomach will smooth out.

Mile 3- we go through the biggest hill and the biggest sunny patch and my stomach is just clenching and I’m like I do not care, I need to stop at the bathroom at turnaround and if there isn’t one there, I’m gonna have to find a place. (sorry if this is embarrassing to you to read, ha!) I had been playing head games like maybe if the woman behind me hasn’t passed me, I won’t stop and just see how far I can get.  But I decided I’d rather not…. Ummm.. you know… be embarrassed.

Turnaround: I run into porto pot and THANK GOODNESS. But the woman passed me (and I wasn’t sure if anyone else did, but just at that point, carry on). I had seen Ryan and told him I needed to go- I was honestly kinda delirious and I told him (he was near one on the opposite side of road)- to try to “save it”!!! ha!  He said later he had no idea how he was supposed to be a port o pot bouncer. I went to one in the meantime that I didn’t know was there.  But I didn’t feel any better when I got out. I felt like I could sit down and nap. Literally.  Like a lovely nap.  I saw him and he asked if I was ok.  I said no and kept “jogging.” After like 10 more terrible steps I wanted to cry and turned around, but he was looking down at his phone and I yelled “ryan”- and kinda realized- I have no idea how I want him to help me, but I think he should know this is not going well! I didn’t know if I should quit, nap, continue. And I realized it was so silly and to just do what I could even if it was walk.  But I decided- NO WALKING. That is the new goal girl.  I had another downhill mile and I was like ok.  Now you are at 4 and you’ve made it.

If you can make it to 5, then you can say “1 mile left.” And you can do ANYTHING for 1 mile.

Mile 4-5 is an out ½ and back ½.  So that was also nice to break it up and I just began doing all the mental tricks I have ever learned.  I took 40 seconds to focus on tangents.  I kept fueling. I kept my shoulders low.  I pretended that I felt smooth.  I thanked the volunteer at the turnaround (and told myself if I could still have a bit of gratitude that I wasn’t going to actually die). I kept fueling because my body physically felt like shit.  I was shaky and done.

Mentally I had more.  My last mile (uphill and in sun) I did every yoga cue I say to my class in my head:

Can you ask yourself to stay present with yourself.

Can you trust yourself.

Can you take the next step.

Can you stop trying to end the suffering and be with the feeling.  Revel in the challenge that you love.  Be in the work. The work is the essence- there are no guarantees of results, it isn’t about results.

And I did.  I never walked. I trusted each step. I trusted myself. I made it to the final hill and said to myself, “if you’ve gotten here, you will finish.”

There was a grassy spot we had to run over (4x) and I said just do not roll your ankle and you can finish.

And I did.

I am so glad I did this race. I may not be able to do next year because of 2 kids moving into college and I at least pulled it off by 1 day this year, so we will see.  I won’t sign up early, but I’ll keep it on my radar since I’ve enjoyed this race for almost 2 decades!

I ended up 1^st place in my age group, 4^th woman overall. The unfortunate part is that I was less than 1 minute away from 3^rd place overall… and in my mind – that is the bathroom stop plus the panic of walking/ turning around trying to wonder if I’d be able to make it for 3 more miles.  It’s ok though, I’m proud of the day and it was POSITIVE and all I had (and there was no choice- I needed that port o pot stop!)

CULPEPER OLYMPIC TRI 2024

 

Culpeper 2024 (Oly distance).

I’ve waited a week to write this and I want to get all of my memories of last Saturday down so that I don’t forget!

What a great day and it was so fun to race a new race!  I don’t do nearly as many triathlons as I used to do, and I repeat some of my favorites, so it is a rare treat to get to go to a new race, experience new roads and venues!

It was an especially nice treat to be able to go with my friend Rachel last weekend.  I drove and picked her up at 4am, got her bike on and off we went! IT was a quick 1 hour 15 min to Culpeper! I’ve driven by Culpeper so many times on the way to Charlottesville.  It was nice to pull off of 29 and have a beautiful lake and triathlon within a few miles of the main road!

Once the sun came up and we could see, it was a beautiful lake. It was surprisingly a freezing morning and I Hadn’t accounted for this and was SO FREEZING before the race- big mistake to REMEMBER next time that the mornings (especially in mountains!) can be cold!!!!

Anyway, we scouted things out, prepped and got ready.

The swim was a rolling start, which really isn’t my favorite.  I’m not sure if it is just because I got used to years of treading water with my age group, placing myself where I wanted to be, etc.  This just stresses me out more.  THIS YEAR PARTICULARLY! As they were announcing that there were sharp, jagged rocks at the start and to get into the swimming position as soon as possible.  This really didn’t sit easily with me.  When it was our turn to go, Rachel did a shallow dolphin dive in and I’m still tiptoeing literaly looiing around like ewww reallllllyy???  And then I am sure it looked absorbed but I like laid my body down in the water and began swimming!  It was a pitiful start and it made me feel mentally unready.  I get this thing within the first few minutes of a swim (possibly because I don’t warm up first… but I don’t’ WANT to warm up!!!) where my legs feel tingly and like they are tired.  I NEVER feel this in training in the pool. But, it does freak me out slightly and I’m like wondering if I’m dying from the legs up.  Anyway, I got past that, but it did lead me to some negative thoughts when it happened, like, “I really don’t know why I do this, I love swimming and training and doing all the things training- why do I need to do races?”  Well, I got out of that way of thinking after the 2^nd buoy when we turned and I was BLIND.  The sun was rising and literally the angle made it so that I could see NOTHING, I had ZERO idea if I was headed into the right direction.  I saw a swimmer in front of me so I just followed them, praying they could see somehow? Finally I caught the “shadow” kind of of the next buoy that I was looking for and could go wtowards something that I knew was in the direction I wanted to head!  I was worried about the sprint racers starting and hoping I could get one loop around my course before they came in.  It all worked out okay and the swim course didn’t seem too busy.  I enjoyed the 2^nd loop much m ore, once I was warmed up, felt more comfortable in the water, etc. I like swimming In open water, it just sometimes takes me until the 2^nd half of the race to really begin enjoying it??!! I felt like I was swimming actually quite strong then, although I did get blinded at the same turn the 2^nd time around- once again could see NOTHING at that same point in the race, but at least this time I just knew to follow feet and the buoy would appear!  Even though I felt like my swimming was strong, my time really wasn’t, and I think some of it was due to me not seeing those 2x, and also maybe some of my mental lapses.  It is ok, I got out, went into transition, helmet on, grabbed bike and OFF.

 

 

 

 

Once I was on my bike- it was a quick downhill into a turn and immediate uphill.  It was super short distance to get my foot in pedal and be able to secure it, but I did it quick enough.  And the climbing began.  So, this was a hilly course, but I will admit that reading the suggestion that it was “technical and hilly and to preride the course”  made me a bit unaggressive.  I was happy to have others biking along with me, but then again there was a period at the beginning of this race where there were maybe some people bunched up where I thought:  why am I doing this?  I just like to go ride my bike and not have to be passing/ trying to not draft/ etc. I did the first loop and then, knowing at this point what most of the course was like, I felt a bit happier and less scared of what the hills may be to come, so was able to get into the groove of pushing more.  I kept trying to stay hydrated, took a fig newton for calories, and pushed strong, but not overly aggressive.

There were some absolutely gorgeous points on this course. One climb looked like it was STRAIGHT up into the sky!! And we were surrounded by trees but I kept thinking- there is going to be a great view at the top of this!  And there was—beautiful vista of the blue ridge mountains.  Really just inspires awe and gratitude for being able to be out there on these courses.  And…. Yes, so this may be when I was like I LOOOOVE TRIATHLONS!  Disregard that I’ve thought multiple times now questioning why I even do these?!!!  I just get on a high and so appreciative of seeing places that are so beautiful that I wouldn’t have seen!

We got back to T2 and it was an odd downhill right into transition, but then I was off my bike- quick dropped bike/helmet and got my run shoes and race belt and was OUT.

As was my mental and written plan for myself: I wanted to go mile 1 with no judgement.  Hopefully I felt ok but no matter what happened in my body, I wanted to not let it lead to any stories.  And I did this.  It was a hilly first mile and my split was 8:22.  I thought not too bad for first mile plus this huge hill.  So, I said ok, let it go a little.7:32 next mile.  That felt really solid and appropriate for mile 2 but I wanted to complete the first loop before I made any increases.  Mile 3 was 7:28.  I was really happy with how I felt, my mindset, and also really liked the course. I think at this point I knew- be aggressive but smart and you can finish really happy with yourself.  Mile 4 was 7:54 (this was the big uphill at the beginning repeated).  Mile 5: 7:31- I was really working, but also at a place where I knew I could keep at it.  Mile 6 I said, give more and attack.  7:17 split (granted, this has a downhill!!!!) final 1:54 to finish line and I was really happy with how I felt this race.

Overall, the big takeaway for me was how motivated I felt after.  How much I ENJOYED the fact that I got up early, did something new, was open to being vulnerable in an event I didn’t know anything about and just being open to what came in the way of a great training day!  It delivered. It reminded me of years ago, being out in triathlons in the summer heat and why I loved them and got so hooked on them!

Loved the motivation.  Did NOT love that I got covid 2 days later. Sigh. I’ll be back at Culpeper!

WORRY AND ANXIETY

 

WORRY AND ANXIETY:

Last week, I had a few days where I felt overwhelmed and near paralyzed by life.  I had gloom over my head, terror and hopelessness in my heart, and despair in my being. I felt my life was a big failure and the future was filled with the results of all the mistakes and un-optimal life choices and situations I felt I was facing.

After I “emerged” from the ruins, I started thinking about the source and reasons and while the surface level is apparent (life—and its many facets, which, really are all good- right? I mean, I get that I live in privilege, I am safe, housed, fed, and live in a free country… for now… but that is another topic)(of worry), the underlying source of these days of dread were from being imprisoned in worry.

WORRY. It’s never ending available of course, because, for all of us, the future is unknown and uncertain.  So, we have the option of taking that unknown and identifying the potential pitfalls of everything around us.  We could worry about so many options- being late for appointments and meeting, our kids not realizing their potential, not doing the best that we can access of ourselves in our jobs, managing finances and saving for the future, relationships, having enough time, and on and on.

The Erma Bombeck quote: “Worry is like a rocking chair.  It keeps you busy, but never gets you anywhere” hit home.  I looked back at my few days of feeling crushed and realized how much I was in the rocking chair.  Just freaking rocking back and forth IN THE WORRY, amplifying the worry. HOLDING ON to the worry. Because that is what I can control right- I will FIERCELY HOLD ONTO THIS WORRY AND IF I HOLD IT…. we will be ok?????

But no.  Nothing was accomplished, except that I lost a few days of joy. I literally let the worry win, and the worry is just an abstract anyway.  It is a “what if”.  “What if the worst”.  

The time I spent commiserating about the potential doom of life only served to reinforce negative self talk that I’ve been trying to work on NOT doing!  Messages that I didn’t do enough, I am not enough, I am always doing wrong things, I am a waste. Maybe worrying was more about me justifying those self talk messages that I am trying to get rid of?

I’ve spent some time reflecting and In spending time working on this tendency to not be able to stay in the present moment, but be so tied to the uncertain future.  It reminds me of how much peace I am able to find within my yoga practice, where I literally have learned over the years to – while on my mat, be in the moment.  I wish so much I was already able to take this to a greater percentage of my time in real life, but I am at least AWARE, and working on it and acknowledge the need to work on this. I want to take a step in the right direction towards improving my response the next time this overwhelming worry may arrive, and I have realized that the worry of course is a cousin of my anxiety.  It’s a little different, but in the same direction.  The un-knowing.  The un-trusting. The open ended future that none of us know.  How can we deal with that not knowing?

And so the next step.  It brings me to self trust and truth.

SELF TRUST: Of course when we worry, we are not solving anything for our future! There is no way to solve this problem of not being able to see into our future!  The only thing we can do is remind ourselves that whatever comes, we can handle it.  And when I think of it this way, I do feel more okay and more confident based on the evidence- that so far, I’ve been able to handle life as it comes.  Mistakes and errors and misfortune happen, but, I have evidence to know that I can take care of myself, that nothing is too big or wrong that I cannot handle.  And I say this, knowing that part of self trust is having faith, knowing that God is with me. I know that in my life, I’ve got myself.

TRUTH: I feel like this is harder to articulate, but in the midst of worry, since worry is in the future, it seems imperative to come back to NOW and the truth. When I’m in the midst of this distress and unease of worry, I have the choice to practice training my mind to come back to now and the truth of now. That here I am, in a place of being okay. And if I just take one breath and moment at a time, I will be okay now.  Then I’ll see what the next breath brings and I can handle what is there.  Like I said, this isn’t maybe my most natural way, since I apparently find it very easy to go into OVERDRIVE of DOOM and DREAD.  But I am always committed to taking care of my full self, my whole self, my mind, body, heart, and soul in all of the ways.  Part of that is paying attention to my mind.  Paying attention to recognizing the tendencies that are my truth, that I need to be in hard work on.

In all of this thought, a comparison was brought to my attention about worry.  It was said that worry is like leaving a car light on overnight. It’s draining. It dissipates energy that goes nowhere. It helps no one. It serves no purpose- no one is in the car, it is unproductive.  And I RECOGNIZE this.  I recognize this as a LIFE tendency.  Oh my goodness I use so much energy unnecessarily.  My car light (worry/anxiety) is running so much higher than it needs to.  It drains me, and it has led to sickness, but also just to un-wellness over many years.

Last week’s little life crisis that wasn’t- was in a way a really nice awakening to myself.

*Can I trust myself to handle what comes, even if it may not be what I would choose.  Yes.

*Do I know myself in my truth.  Yes.

*Am I unnecessarily draining my batteries, YES.  And I would like to work on this.

Maui Marathon 2024

 

MAUI MARATHON 2024…. Well, a half.

On a risky whim last year, I signed up for the Maui Marathon- which had been a lifelong bucket list goal.  This race hugs the coastline of Maui and one of my biggest joys is crossing a finish line, physically beyond spent, and walking directly into the ocean.  Along with some hip/back issues, I know that my marathoning may be a little limited, so I need to prioritize which races I really want to do, and… of course…. Maui.

This was before the devastating Lahaina wildfires of August 2023.  The race organizers contacted those who had registered and a few weeks after the wildfires said that the race would still be held, but would be rerouted and may not be a boston qualifier because it may be a little long or a little short.  Then, about 8 weeks before the race, we were notified there would be no more marathon distance.  The half marathon was still on, so we were now doing that distance, and the entire race location was changed- we no longer were going really anywhere near the coastline.  I was SO upset, and really worried because I was taking this huge trip and now it wasn’t even for my bucket list!  (so… I Need to do it again??!!)  Needless to say, I simmered down about the disappointment and with all of my planning of hikes and all the things to do in Maui, I thought this is fine- I am still so VERY VERY LUCKY!

I flew into Maui and the magic began from the skies.  I looked down to lush carpets of beautiful shades of green, just wrapping the mountains in softness. I have no idea how people can either not look out their windows with glee or just act normal, because I immediately go into kid in a candy store mode.  I don’t care to even try to hide this level of pure joy emanating from my eyeballs and face. Hawaii is spiritual, and the gift was already beginning from the sky. My cheeks had no idea what they were in store for because my smile was plastered for a week, my heart was leaping.

I have my “travel routine” set when I travel to my heartfelt tropical destinations:  I have usually swimsuit and shorts under my travel clothes so I can just take my pants off immediately and have shorts on /tank top in the car.  So I did this before I looked for my rental car in the parking lot.  I like how companies are doing this where you land, call in to get license plate and location and look for your rental car and key is in lockbox on back.  GENIUS.  Except when you go up and down the aisles and seemingly cannot find your car!!!  I finally found it, except now it is getting a bit dark and I’m trying to fiddle with the lock on the back and my old eyes can barely make out the numbers on the combination lock. It is also my first experience on this trip of kind of not wanting my back to be exposed- not knowing who may be coming up behind me, I’m slightly on alert as I begin this travel experience on my own so I’m kind of side eyeing the world as I try to get the lock. I finally got it, head to Walmart right next to airport because I need bananas and wine.  When I park in Walmart, I really don’t want to look like complete fruitcake going in with the calf sleeves/compression sleeves on calves that I wore for the flight so I quick lean over to take them off and I realize my feet have near EXPLODED! HUGE MISTAKE- but my foot/ankle looks like a SAUSAGE OR SMALL PLATYPUS. It has swollen and apparently all the blood has pooled UNDER the level of calf sleeves.  I’m amazed but also on a mission to kind of get in/ get out and get as much of the drive to my vrbo done before it is fully dark. *note to self and anyone else- maybe I should have worn the full compression SOCKS?  But in the future I probably wont’ be doing this- I thought I was really doing a good thing, but I don’t think it was wise! I’m nervous getting to VRBO because it is fully dark.  The parking area doesn’t look too clear cut about where to go and park- the office that I was supposed to go to to register my car is closed….. so I find my vrbo (what seemed like finally) and now try to finagle this lock box. Which… I’m already nervous because as a family, we have had 2 vrbo experiences: BOTH which have taken us probably about 10 minutes to “get” It is like an escape room scenario trying to figure out these lock boxes to get the key.  And here I am again in the dark, old eyes, squinting but also backing up to try to see where I am supposed to be pushing and once I do, what sort of “finger gymnastics” to do on these boxes to get the thingamajig to open.  Can vrbo owners please help in finding one that is just easy.  I mean, the code should be the magic, not the ability to figure out a puzzle at the end of entering the code.  I digress.  Once I was in…. VACATION TRULY BEGAN…

**if you only want to read about race, scroll below to the bolded “RACE MORNING”.

My first full day in Maui, I got up before sunrise and headed out to get a feel for my location.  I always like to do this on first day—So I Had my run shoes ready, swimsuit under my run clothes and headed out to find how to get to the “beach walk” that goes the length of Kaanapali beach.  It is a sidewalk/pathway that goes along the ocean and meanders in some of the resorts.  It is so nice that they have this.  It was a misty morning, as most of the mornings in Kaanapali are.  As much as I might vote for a perfectly clear and sunny morning, there is something to be said about mist and clouds halfway covering the mountains in Hawaii.  It is mystical, magical and spiritual.  The air there is soft, hugs you. Literally, my heart is in heaven on earth. Aloha is in my bloodstream and I am all by myself just unable to even wipe a smile off my face.  It feels so good, natural and pure.  I did this run, scoped out some of the beach spots, resorts, where the path went, then came back and hopped in the car to begin exploring.  I wanted to explore on the first day close to the area that I was staying so I headed up to Kapalua.  I parked and did the Kapalua Coast trail which was GORGEOUS.  

Really just a walk, rather than “hike”- the paths were easy to follow and the views down were amazing to see the waters, the colors, the warm air breeze.  This was my first reminder that I am in this place with silent wooshing breezes, the whisper of the earth welcoming you to enjoy this grandeur. I was already so aware of the gift I was giving myself to take this trip, to have no doubts that I am living my life in a way of NOT WAITING to live.  I am making my dreams come true, following exactly the path that I know is mine to take.  I was already experiencing the “settling” into a more serene pace of mind, an equilibrium inside of myself.  I then walked to Fleming Beach and discovered another trail that I hiked on: the Mahana Ridge Trail (that leads to Arboretum Trail Head).  It was a nice addition, out and back.  Then I went to Fleming Beach for a bit.  After that, I drove to Nakalele Blowhole and did a little hike to that- about 30 minutes each way.  I wasn’t like gung ho on NEEDING to see this, but I was close and I’m honestly glad I did- as much because of doing the walk/seeing the blowhole and area, but also for the drive there- the winding roads, the countryside. 

There were tons of bikers on the side which…. I’m not sure exactly what to think about.  Half of me thinks holy HELL NO WAY, and half of me is DYING to do that someday.  It was really hard with the mountains and the curves to navigate around them (and as a cyclist I HATE having cars behind me that I know are trying to pass, just makes me feel so “in the way.”) but the drive was really beautiful.  I stopped at Slaughterhouse Beach on my way back, parked and walked down.  There were a ton of people there and it was the coolest walk through trees to get to this beach and I realized then that this was really a pure snorkeling beach- all rocks. 

So I decided to not stay, but I would LOVE to spend some time there! I was thankful honestly to even stop and WALK through the paths to GET THERE!  SO MAUI!  Then I went to what was to become one of my favorite spots of the trip:  Napili Bay.  Oh this beach was gorgeous, loved the vibe, it was actually small- not very DEEP- like the center part really only has minimal space from the water up to the ROCKS where the resort is—and the waves can wash up, but it is WORTH IT. It’s vibes are awesome, it is a pure turquoise gem. I had of course mapped out the “happy hour deals” and it was time for my first happy hour at the Sea House. Oh my gosh.  

Again, the memories of this place just uplift my heart- sipping on a mai tai looking directly through a huge window out to the turquoise bliss of Napili Bay.  I’m scared the angels are gonna swoop me away and harps start playing.  It was exhilarating to be sitting there at the same time as pure peace.  I noticed here already how I felt kinda very comfortable going in and getting a drink on my own.  Sometimes I feel like a lonely stooge on previous travels- needing to eat by myself, or get a drink, like people are thinking what is wrong with me, why do you have no one with you.  Never once did I feel that this time.  Either the places I went, or maybe I’m just at a place where I’m more comfortable with myself… or at a place (geographically) where I’m so wrapped up in the extraordinary present moment awareness that I have no space left for self doubting.  I sat there as long as I wanted and made myself at home.  I finished out the day watching the sunset at Kaanapali Beach by Whalers Village. 

The next day, I again woke up before sunrise and headed out: this time I drove up north to do the Waihe’e Ridge Trail.  I figured that I wouldn’t be able to really see the sun RISE from the hike since I knew I didn’t want to start in the dark, but it still might be nice to see it in the morning as it was rising.  Well, I hadn’t yet learned that this side of Maui is really covered in clouds over these mountains most mornings (which leads to the clouds on the other side where I was staying/ misty mornings).  So I began the hike and it was beautiful, but then began misting and the clouds got lower, then it was all white and I had zero views, then it started POURING!  Strangely enough I was still having the time of my life! 

However, I turned around- it was getting really muddy and slippery and was too much risk for no reward of views and I realized I wanted to try to come back on a day with more clear skies.  So, I headed to Kihei, a place in southern maui that I think I have been to possibly, but honestly do not really remember- so maybe I never have been there?  I’ve heard so much about it, so knew I needed to explore.  It was WONDERFUL and perfectly sunny and clear blue skies here- so many roads of beaches here, very commercial, but each beach has like an associated green/grassy park to it.  This was so nice to see families having picnics here, people sitting on blankets playing guitar.  People napping, reading books.  So many of the beaches here, I saw sea turtles.  AS the day went along, it started getting really windy (apparently this is common- tradewinds pick up), and it was so funny to see these waves and they were just tumbling the turtles up and down in the waves even real close to the beach. I spent really the entire day here exploring beaches and a few shops in Kihei.  I went to Kam 1,2,3 beaches, had another happy hour and headed back for another sunset on Kaanapali Beach.  This time I went to black rock where they light these tiki poles and then a cliff diver jumps off the cliffs to signal sunset coming. 

The next day was packet pick up for race and they were offering a yoga class at the packet pickup site that I had registered for from 8-9. So, I woke up, and before the yoga class stopped at Maalea Bay to do a sunrise run on the beach there.  I had read that it was great for running and this was ON POINT!  It was a 2 mile long flat/packed sand beach and PERFECT sunrise views (which I honestly wasn’t completely expecting because I didn’t think it was at the right place to really be a great viewing area for sunrise, but it WAS one of my best sunrise mornings on the island!  

I walked up a bit to kill time before I headed to the yoga class and packet pickup.  The yoga class was really nice- always good to take someone else’s class and to just be a participant, especially next to a mountain, under the palm trees, etc. I wanted today to be a little less on my feet because of the race the next day.  That did not happen.  I explored, swam in the ocean, but then it got so windy that the sand was whipping up and just attacking my skin, so I packed up and thought hmmmm… what else to do the afternoon before a race- let’s do a hike in the heat!  I began the Lahaina – Pali trail  This hike is 5 miles each direction, but what I did was just the 2.5 miles to the top and back down.  I planned to do the other half later in my trip. 

This was one of my favorite hikes of the trip.  10/10 I recommend it.  It was so fun, great views, you go up to the windmills, you have this huge view for nearly the entire side of Maui. I was a bit worried about my calves that I may actually wake up SORE, but I didn’t the next day, so that was good.  But honestly, I knew it was worth it no matter what, I was here not just for the race but for every moment. I had a happy hour drink at Barefoot Bar in Kaanapali and then headed back to my vrbo – I had brought tuna packets and noodles and I just wanted to eat something easy/protein and carbs/ pack for the next day and not be out too late.  I still went to sunset but did it right at my vrbo which incredibly was ON the beach.  I cannot believe I was able to find a vrbo right in this location for the price I did.

RACE MORNING:

I had to leave my VRBO at 3AM because…. I am a bit type A… and I had a 45 min drive to get to the bus that would take us to the race start- and bus service began at 4.  (of course I’m going to be on the first bus).  Race morning didn’t start awesome because of a little fiasco with my KEY to my vrbo- so I pulled out- realized I wasn’t 100% sure where I had put my key (because I have a hair scrunchie that zips the key in all day- but I realized I forgot to put it in there, so I was wondering where I Put it or if I dropped it!)  I turned around, in a slight panic, searched the parking spot, didn’t see and said, Sharon, trust yourself.  You know it is here somewhere.  Go to race.  *long story, I practiced being calm as I drove and giving myself credit for knowing that it was in one of my bags, and once I got to site, I found it.

We got on the bus that would take us to race start- it was maybe a 20 -25 min drive.  Always interesting.  You are sitting with strangers and sometimes you have people you chat with (even at 4am), and…. This time… was just a bit awkward- I got some chatting in, but could tell the person did not want to be speaking so did not say anything further.  The race site was lit as it was pitch black. All I could think was, I’m in MAUI and canNOT stop smiling, even though it is middle of the night.  It was also honestly chilly so I had had a throw away with me that I kept on my arms and shoulders, I was so glad to have been prepared and comfortable. I was just overwhelmed by gratitude.  That was all. The race was exciting, I couldn’t wait, but it was just FULL gratitude for making this choice to BE LIVING A DREAM!

Before the race, there was a tribute to the Lahaina fire victims and how important it was to come together in community.  It was beautiful, touching, and reminded me of the big picture- that we are all here on this earth as ONE.

The half marathon I had previously done this year in February was a disaster since I think I was still really struggling with recovering from my first (and hopefully ONLY EVER) bought with covid.  So I was actually very nervous and conservative for this race.  I thought- if there ever was a race to sandbag and take my time doing- it is THIS ONE- ENJOY every single step of the way, right?! So I started, with a smile, and took first 2 miles with full ease.

The things I Remember were

*gratitude for honestly even having my feet on the GROUND in Maui- I mean honestly- we were just running on a highway, it was far from the dream of running next to the ocean.  But the AIR was Maui, the ALOHA vibe was in my heart and bones and every cell.  There was nothing in me except gratitude. Maybe I was on drugs, but I think it was the HIGH of being in my element.

*After a few miles, I progressed slightly, but still was a bit tentative for how I normally approach races. I was calm, happy, measured and felt strong.

*The road started being downhill and my paces were quickening, but I knew it was still “smart” and I wasn’t just letting things rip.  I trusted myself.

*We were coming to mile 7/8 and I felt like uh oh I might have to use a bathroom, so I stopped at a port a pot- but there was someone in it. So I thought OK- gonna make it to the next one (not knowing for sure if there was one soon)—I think my body had thought it was going to get to …. Use the port o pot… so all of a sudden in ¼ mile it was an EMERGENCY.  I’m thinking there HAS to be one at the turn around, but I don’t KNOW!  Long story short- there was and THANK GOODNESS! More gratitude!

*After the turnaround, we were on a flat for maybe ½ mile and then took a right- coming back and I knew there was a hill starting.  Turned and OMGGGG not just a hill but the WIND!! I couldn’t even HEAR- it was in my ears, it was CRAZY.  I was almost at a standstill!  So I LAUGHED! My body was leaning like 30 degrees it felt like? And I was like FIGHTING AIR! I still was SO HAPPY.

*I was also super SLOW – holy heavens! I was barely moving.  I wanted to stop and walk because there was SO MUCH EFFORT for SO LITTLE PROGRESS!

*and here is where I Had my lesson:  I realized- STOP THIS THOUGHT PATTERN SHARON:  you WERE going to be doing a marathon.  You WERE going to be doing something that YOU KNEW would bring you to the BRINK of what you had available.  So you are NOT GOING TO STOP during this half.  There is NO WAY IT IS NECESSARY.  This is a RACE.  This is what you sign up for. Work it.  RELENTLESSLY.

The feeling at this point in the race was a clear reminder of where I’ve been at my running in the past few years- very CAREFUL.  Rightly so, with my hip/hamstring injuries.  I have needed to be so careful that I haven’t been able to push much.  However, I think I have shifted to the mindset of even forgetting HOW to dig deep – even a fraction of what I used to- and stay in a challenge.  

The last 4 uphill miles seemed so LONG- they weren’t ticking by like the first 9 because of the hill and wind!  But this is the ESSENCE- this is why I love doing races- to empty everything I have, to practice digging deep.  You prepare as best as you can for the race, and EVEN THEN- you just never know what the day will bring for you to handle. I promised myself that I wouldn’t make any “deals” through the finish line- no walking for 30 seconds only… because I didn’t need it- I needed to be honest with myself and finish what I came to do, what I was prepared to do.

A few people passed me and I was so impressed and gave some (quick) words of encouragement, which, as always even boosts ME further.  I tried to hook my energy to theirs and fake smoothness in my form, run with my arms, and just continue to fuel, take step by step through these miles.  And I smiled.  We ran by a Hawaiian drum group and it was MAGICAL- the thundering BEAT being amplified in my body, the mountains in the background.  I knew how lucky I was to be present in this space.

The race finish was at Maui Tropical Plantation- It was a beautiful place that I wouldn’t have ever stopped at had the race not been there, but I’m so so glad that I had the chance to be there. I got coffee, sat by a palm tree for a bit, people watched (also changed into swim suit and dry clothes). It was everything fulfilling and now I’m left with even more motivation to someday go back and do the full marathon, that is actually along the coast and finish at the beach.

My race splits (only for myself looking back for data)were:

8:11, 8:05, 8:12, 8:00, 7:38, 7:45, 7:42, 7:30, 8:50 (bathroom stop), 9:51 (uphill wind began), 10:31, 9:58, 9:31.

I left, made my way to Kihei Bread Company for a soft pretzel to take to some beach stops that day.

****The rest of this blog post writing is about my trip (not race related) so if you aren’t interested in that I wanted to let you know.

The rest of the day after the race I went to beaches in Kihei and south.  After stopping at the Bread Company, (it was so easy to park on the main street in Kihei- I don’t know if I was just lucking out- but I was so thankful- and you just are literally parking next to the ocean!): I went to Kamaole 1, then headed south to some other beaches in Wailea and Makena. I first went to ULUA which I hadn’t been able somehow to find the entrance to the day before. Then I headed to WAILEA BEACH and POLO BEACH. (both still in wailea). These were great- it was a beautiful and calm morning on the water… UNTIL then it wasn’t!  The wind picked up when I was at Polo Beach and the sand was just ripping into me, so I wasn’t going to stay too much longer, but a kiteboarder came and that was SO fun and interesting to watch.  I felt like I’m not sure how you learn that because there seems to be not much room for error- like the wind sails you way out on this board, but what if you cannot get it to turn around to take you back in.  I’m sure this is part of the learning, but it was fantastic and impressive to watch.  I then took a break from the beaches to go hike at La Perouse Bay.  This is at the very south end of Maui, with lava and it was not like any of the other hikes (it was really a walk) in Maui.  It was so interesting how many different climates and terrain Maui is comprised of. I was considering going to Big Beach in Makena.  There is a Sunday night Sunset drum circle that I found out about and I would have loved to go to that. But I drove to the parking lot and there was a state park entry fee, it looked tired, and I was so far south and had a big drive and I was kind of worried about crashing since it had been a long day with a before 3am wake up, so I drove back to where I was staying in Kaanapali.

The next day (Monday), I promised myself that I would NOT RUN OR HIKE! HA!  I had loved being so active, but I knew I Was really pushing things and needed to be still. I walked the 1.5 miles to get to the entrance to the beach with all my stuff for most of the day, did sunrise yoga on Kaanapali Beach, and really just explored- kept walking and stopping at various spots that looked beautiful!  I snorkeled, read and relaxed, stared, jumped in waves. Heavenly to have full opportunity to go exactly where and when as I pleased!  I always on days like this pack my food for the day:  I had tuna packets with a wrap to plop it on, an apple for each day, a bar, dried fruit/nuts… And then:  I always planned happy hour at a place that had a special that I had researched- so today I went back to Napili Bay (drove) (by Kapalua- north of Kaanapali) to “The Sea House”- it was so beautiful and relaxing to sit and look exactly at the turquoise water with a mai tai! It was such a luxurious treat!

I went back to watch the sunset at the beach that was right behind my vrbo.  It wasn’t a fancy beach with great sand, but it was perfect.  There were so many community people there, I met a few people who over the course of the days there I got to see each night I went to sunset there.  It was nice to see a bit of the locals vibe, kids playing in the trees, playgrounds, a local guy who came to play guitar and sing every night and I always thanked him.  Full aloha spirit and vibes.

Tuesday I started to get nervous because I had to leave Wednesday.

I rented a surfboard, however it was basically a dead end.  The beach I went to was so rough, there wasn’t anyone there, and after a few wipeouts, I just didn’t want to risk it and it wasn’t the same as surfing in Kauai, where the waves were kind of gentle and there were like 50 people out there trying to learn.  I returned it and went for the other half of the hike I had taken the day before the race- the Lahaina Pali trail.  This time I was doing it from the Lahaina side.  I started, then realized I hadn’t turned onto the correct trail so backtracked.  Essentially, the hike got so treacherous (or I was possibly on the wrong trail?) that I ended up thinking, I’m not doing this !  and I turned around and then proceeded to basically have to very precariously get off the ridge I had found myself on.  It was dry/gravely and dangerous.  I still have no idea if that was the trail?  It couldn’t have been because there were ordinary looking people doing it, and this was just too dangerous. But on the way back I was watching 100% focus to see if I had missed something and I never found it.  Hmmmm…*so this seems to have been the day of “misses” since surf/hike didn’t work, but I still loved it.

My final day, I went for my last run on Kaanapali beach.  I went to black rock, swam in the ocean for about 20 minutes, then ran back.  I had everything ready to check out and was so sad to leave my little vrbo/home for a week.  I headed to Kihei to go to Sugar Beach Bake shop.  OMG I had a malasada to die for. Plus I bought a blueberry muffin to bring to the airport later.  I walked on one of the beaches I enjoyed right there by the bake shop and then headed to REDO the Waihe’e Ridge Trail. I purposefully wasn’t going bright early in the morning because I learned over the course of the week that this area of maui is often in clouds/rain and leaves no view. I was so lucky this time to have a view on the way up! The way down, the clouds rolled in, but it was GLORIOUS!  I finished by going to this food truck I had heard about on the way down the mountain.  It was the BEST MEAL I had all week.  It was perfection- the best Mahi mixed with such a beautiful background.

I then had a little time to kill before going to the airport so I went to a last beach near the airport- I went to Baldwin Park Beach since it was listed as having showers/facilities and I knew I wanted to shower before getting on the airplane.  It was so windy, I just walked on the beach, did some yoga- there were only a handful of people I saw on the beach, but it was really nice to have one last chance to stare at the glorious gift of Maui.

I don’t want to talk much about going to airport because I was grumpy and was intentionally trying to just follow the timeline of getting there on time without thinking.  I didn’t want to leave.  Not a single part of me. I am so insanely happy, relaxed and myself in Hawaii, I feel home.  I know myself well enough to know when I’m in a place for me.  I knew it in one instant when I stepped my first footstep on grounds at UVA in Charlottesville, and I have the same feeling in Hawaii.  I know what I know, my heart knows.  Mahalo, Maui!  Ahui hou! (until we meet again).