On being 50!!!!!!!!!!!

 

On being 50…

 one week from today... I turn half a CENTURY!!

I am seeing life with a new lens of meaning and gratitude.

I am realizing and seeing that over the course of life, so many prayers have been answered, of course not on my time frame, yet in due/the right time. I am seeing beauty from scars and hope in valleys, and an ability to see that goodness abounds. I am learning that time gives life an amazing perspective.

Even as I realize I am simply not meant for cold weather and cannot seem to find an appreciation for it, I see and realize the glorious earth that holds our feet. I have always appreciated nature, but now I know very deeply that being outdoors speaks to my soul.  I find beauty in raindrops on flowers and grasses, delight in birdsong, animals that I find along my way, and awe in the sun and moon patterns. The diversity of leaves, patterns of bark on trees, the miracle of so many different flower structures can hold my attention and fill me up with awe. And that doesn’t even count staring at the ocean, feeling my toes in the sand, being on a miraculous beach. The sounds of birds chirping, seeing herons next to the lake, deer watching me run by, bunnies in the morning just make me smile.

Let me be clear that not everything is always rosy.  Yet, despite daily frustrations, I see the big picture of life being purposeful and the challenges being opportunities, the disappointments leading to growth. I catch myself more often now when I am in a place where I need to be careful and pause, step back and ask myself what it is that I need to take care of myself better. I have reminders, mantras, and knowings that while they may not always come naturally to me, they have been learned deeply, and I have the capability now to self-talk myself into the truth that brings a settled sense to my heart. I practice saying, “may I remember”often.

I’m learning to trust myself more. I don’t need any accolades from others, I don’t need to step into anyone else’s lane or race, and there is a strong inner voice leading me to exactly what is right for me. This is a huge battle for me to learn to trust my truth, and I will continue to be intentional about having the confidence to listen inwards and respond accordingly.

I am finding that what is right for me has changed. I still love following my goals, but the goals have changed, and the intensity has changed. I used to of course have time/race/performance goals, and I still do, however they are much softer and woven with meaning and life. I want these goals to work well in the fullness of my life; I am no longer willing to risk other things that are important to me to attain my full peak. It has to make sense to me in a deeper way. It has to be in alignment with my whole being and purpose.

Oftentimes now, I realize that less is more.

Professionally, I am full of gratitude at age 50 that I have done so much to follow my dreams and passion, and also have a chance on a daily basis to connect with people, change lives, and frankly be really good at what I do. It is with an inner sense of pride that I know I can see the big picture in what I do and that I am now coming from a place of having over 25 years of experience building the base of what I do, and I see how much I am connecting in the developing of fitness, wellness and health plans for people. I have a profound confidence that I am not really in competition with anyone else at this point, there isn’t a scarcity mindset that often has plagued me through life. It makes me smile to think that I didn’t necessarily get to do what I originally wanted to do as a career, yet… the end result is probably even better.

As I near 50, I appreciate not needing to explain myself or make excuses for following my path. It is ok with my heart that I might just not be everyone’s cup of tea.

Maybe most of all, I have been through some hard times that I wouldn’t choose. And yet….. here I am. Through the hardest times, through despair, loss, disappointment, I have learned that I can trust myself. And the harder those times have been, the more I see how I can depend on myself.  I have the tools and resources within, as a human… of 50 years…. To figure things out. To cope. To get through the day. And sometimes that isn’t easy, but it is the necessary task of the day. I now realize these lessons may not have been learned without the really rough times.

Through the years, I have also learned that I have “a right.”  A right to it all.  A right to speak, to feel my feelings, to be, to breathe easy, a right to make choices for myself. These may seem small, but it has been huge. I can unapologetically speak up for myself, I can go in the direction of my dreams. I can be who I am. Hardest of all, I have learned to sit. Some of you know that sitting on my porch is a love of mine, but it actually has taken work to be okay with that, to trust that I don’t need to be grinding nonstop to prove my worth. I can sit. I can be. As I often say in yoga, “nothing more, nothing less.”

I am in daily prayer and conversation and praise with God. I am so lucky to have zero doubts about my faith and what I believe. A lesson I’ve learned over the years that I hold near is that “God is with me, God is for me, and He absolutely loves me.” I am a child of God and I realize that I am lucky to have had the experiences that I have had to lead me to a place of true believing. Each day, I am blessed by waking up and I daily say a prayer of thanks for the gift of the day ahead.

50 years old is obviously a great milestone to reach, and I’m thankful and excited about it. While all of these positive thoughts may make it seem like life is just a joyous party, let me be clear that I’m not feeling daily like I’m living large and easy. In fact, days can be hard, stressful, frustrating and anxiety ridden. And yet I have gained some inner strength that helps me through, that helps me work to stay grounded where I am. Each day, I have tools that I can use to lighten a heavy load and keep a feeling of hope in my heart. I am thankful for the gift of each day.