Tuesday, December 17, 2019

4 weeks and I cannot run.

4 weeks to go until  my marathon, and I cannot run. 

Long story, but I went out easy the other day and my hip was 100% fine during the run and immediately after.  100%.  I then sat to do work at the computer, and one hour later, I couldn’t stand.  I rested 2 days and tried to run today, and came hobbling home.  My hip feels like mush.  Like a bone bruise?  Nothing visible, but it feels as if it is bruised on my hip bone and oblique area.

I’m upset, annoyed and confused and really disappointed.  I am hoping at this point to be able to rest and somehow have some fantastic recovery that enables me to still do it.  There is the possibility I could do just the ½ that day also.  But that isn’t really what I want to do.  But I’m okay if I have to.  I don’t want to go and not be able to run at all though.

Maybe it is my “punishment” for not being 100% grateful for even being able to go out and to run at all.  For my last marathon build up (for Big Sur in April 2019), I was so focused on just being fully present and full of fierce gratitude for being back to running.  Last week I was complaining about not enjoying it in the winter…. (which I don’t), I was just being honest, but my honesty shows me that I wasn’t focusing on the good.  Maybe that is my lesson.

Sometimes I go through a phase where I think marathons aren’t “worth it.”  They are HARD.  And, then, I’m reminded.  That is why, that is why they speak to my soul.  They refresh me, they CLEANSE ME to the BONE.  They take me to the mental and physical max, where my systems  and self talk have to find their connection, essence and survival. Not just the race- but the TRAINING, and that is part of why I’m disappointed so deeply.  I should right now be doing my biggest and final long runs that I have no idea how they would go.  But I would be learning from them.  I would be struggling in some sense- physically, mentally, and learning my lessons.  And instead, I am having to be gentle, back off (back off to ZERO), and… maybe that is my lesson. 

I don’t like it.

*I’m taking this huge trip and part of that was to do the marathon, and that makes me feel less “guilty” but also gives me the huge HIGH that I was seeking.  I love running through new places, seeing everything at GROUND LEVEL- it seems “true” and my body feels immersed and part of it fully.  I love the feeling of being physically and mentally SPENT to the CORE/BONES, and that will make the BEACH TIME, water, sand on my legs even BETTER! 

*Doing this type of thing is my bucket list type way of living.  I feel like if I work hard for a full year, I can do this for myself.  And I need to mentally.  Sometimes I’m less lonely when I’m actually all alone.  I want to LIVE and meet people and see and soak it in fully without distraction or expectations.  I don’t want my hip to get in the way.  Plus, I Need to be able to walk while I’m there, not renting a car, and walking everywhere I go. 

*I will be smart daily, and I AM icing, taking off, moving smart and praying.  I’d really love if you would say a lil prayer for my hip. Thank you.

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