How ironic to have so much to say about silence. I have to actually wonder what people think of me in terms of if I am quiet or loud. I am super quiet. I am also loud. And very often, I enjoy silence. I’m quiet in meeting new people, large groups and I try to be quiet when I’m listening to people. I’m LOUD when I am speaking sometimes (sometimes I think it is too harsh and loud sounding when I hear myself) but I also am thankful that I can project my voice. And many of you know I love silence. Silence often coincides with my alone time. As an introvert, my heart flutters just thinking of these times!
I travel alone usually once a year. I’ve had people ask me
if I get bored being by myself. And I looked at them like they had a zillion
heads. Oh my gosh NO. I love being by
myself, I don’t have to be careful, ask anyone else when or what they want to
eat, if I am being too much, too active, too this or that. I am purely myself. I frankly find that to be
bliss. I find though on these trips that
it actually is interesting that when you are alone, you end up meeting people
and having conversations more because people are more likely to talk to someone
by themselves than obviously if I were with someone talking. So, it is a nice way to get to have
conversations with local people. It is a
nice blend with the silence of spending days on my own. It is nice to be in nature, hiking and
listening to the sounds of nature, letting my inner thoughts just run free. Somehow,
letting this silence wash over me for some time, just feels refreshing. Any
overwhelm just dissipates and clarity of my mind and heart connecting, being
free, just reignites my energy.
It reminds me of going out for long runs. I mostly run by myself. When training for
long races, marathons, half ironmans (long time ago was the full ironman race)….
I spend hours with myself, hours both in
my head but also just letting my mind dissociate. I have learned how to do channel tools to
manage this time on my own, how to focus inwards, how to focus outwards. How to
manage situations that arise that I need to reorient how to keep on, how to
calm, how to be with myself through challenges. Some runs, this silence is my
favorite part of the run. Other times,
when things aren’t going well, I get FRUSTRATED and wish I had help, company,
an escape route. But in the end, I think it is one of the great benefits of
long distance training and endurance sports is to learn these lessons of
figuring out the strength within to trust yourself, to make it work, to
sometimes just survive!
In the past 6 months, I Had hours and hours of silence as I
drove from VA to NY when my mom was in the hospital, and then died. The first trip
was shock, panic, despair, unknown, worry, confusion. I first called my sweet daughter, Phoebe, to
make sure she knew what was happening. I
knew I needed to be strong for her and it strengthened me. After that, I drove in silence. I talked to a few friends along the way, but
it was 7 hours of silence other than those few phone calls. I love music, podcasts… but I did not want
anything in my ears. It was strange. I could not dare turn on the radio. My
heart literally needed silence. Have you
ever had that experience? There was so much stimulation that I Honestly just
could not take more.
Sometimes my mind was reeling. Sometimes it was still. I drove back after my
mom died. 7 more hours of silence. Allowing time, stillness and silence to do
its work. There could literally be no distractions or stimulation.
Over the past 2 years I have begun listening to podcasts
while I run/walk. I am so thankful for them and enjoy them. However, there are times when I just
know. I need silence. Nothing in the
ears. I need my ears to be all in
connection with my heart. I need my ears
to be open to the air, the nothingness. I remember in Maui this past April
hiking alone and hearing the silence and thinking, “silence is a sound”!! The
sound of the air, the palms, the universe connecting to your heart. Have you
ever heard that sound?
I have people who sometimes tell me that they cannot come to
my yoga class because they cannot be “with themselves” for an hour. I think
those are the people that need to come the most! (and not for flexibility reasons). We (myself
included) can get so used to having constant external pings on our system-
stimulation coming from everywhere, that it becomes even that much more
important to practice the skill of being present. I sometimes try to not even
say “focused” because that sometimes sounds like it is this rigid way of
intensity and just can seem like you need to be focused on something, but what?! I like to think of it as more of a soft
focus, or just simply awareness of the moment. Can you be with yourself?
I went last weekend to a “float spa”- salt water- sensory
deprivation, temperature of water and air match, darkness. There were so many
things that were interesting (that is for another conversation). But I will
tell you for sure: If I did not do yoga-
I literally would NOT have been able to stay in that float spa for 55 minutes.
To be with yourself and be able to just be.
That sometimes takes practice. But, also, what a beautiful thing. To be “at home in yourself”. To be able to find that place where all you
need is yourself. To be able to hear your breath and heart. That is really,
honestly a lot. But what a celebration and bliss of life to be able to be with yourself.
I really was proud and thankful that I had the skill and had put in the work to
be where I am. I have said to my kids
and my classes and clients, “be where your feet are” because I know how
important that is. But really, also, be
where you find your heart. Life is fleeting.
How lucky we are, and sometimes I find the miracle is best felt in this space
of being able to be fully in connection with myself in silence.
I sometimes hear the sound of silence and realize it is the
sound of life, and it reminds me of the quote by Ruth Haley Barton, “We are starved for quiet, to hear the
sound of sheer silence that is the presence of God himself.” This past year,
hiking in silence in Maui, I paused in exhilaration as I really felt the
presence of communication in the sounds of the wind in my ears, the literal air
felt like it was speaking to me, actually hugging me. And, thankfully, I was present
to be in awareness of this miraculous gift.
