2025 was just a THRILLING YEAR (for the most part) for me. I had some big goals and the journey and execution of these goals was highly meaningful. Last fall, once the main events that I had planned for the year were over, I felt a bit of a letdown and knew I wanted to start thinking and planning my 2026 goals and something that would light up my heart. I love the planning, preparation and anticipation of hopeful things to come.
After months going back and forth on race goals, I decided-
I’m going back. I’m going back to my
heart place- Kauai. The marathon was full of AWE, and I want to smile so hard
again… (and suffer… you know, it goes hand in hand, and that to me is part of
the beauty). I registered, I’m going.
So, as I’ve been anticipating the start of training, the
season of “training to train”, I’ve been thoughtful of keeping a solid run
base. That seems like it has been thwarted- first by some hip and hamstring
pain back in December until……. Then my treadmill died. Then the new treadmill
wasn’t usable…. I still went out ins 20 degrees… until I came back crying. Finally, I got a new treadmill that actually
worked however either it is off, or I am off (in
terms of calibrating paces). When I
realized I am also 15 lbs heavier currently, and I know my physical body is
doing some odd things (freaking menopause), needless to say I have been in a 2
month struggle.
I am LUCKY and BEYOND thankful to have been able to at least
continue running through these months. Let me premise all of this by saying
that I do not take that for granted. Thank goodness right now that all of my
estrogen-dependent injuries right now seem to be congregated in my hand, wrist,
elbow and shoulder… I’ve been able to keep 30-34 mile run weeks for the first 8
weeks of the year, so this is good.
AND. Those miles have been struggle bus. Many of them have lots of walking in them.
Walking is fine, it is just that I didn’t used to incorporate regular walking during
runs to recover, I could just slow down.
With my decreased fitness and increased weight, running has physically
felt HARD. My mindset has felt like it has been slightly PUNCHED by not being
able to do workouts I’ve done always. I
feel like I can’t trust what is happening- am I slower, or is it the treadmill
numbers, is it the cold air in my lungs. Is it depression? Is it this or that? I’ve been off in all of
the ways.
And just recently, I realized that my MIND… AS ALWAYS…. Is
becoming a bit of a trigger in my running.
I am here, there and everywhere. And, as I’ve said recently in yoga
practice, Seneca the Stoic was quoted as saying, “he who is everywhere is
nowhere.” And I realize that has been
me. My mind is fluttering between self doubt, self criticism, and then moving
forward to where I want to be, which is not where I am, currently. This is in
STARK contrast to how I approached my training last year for the Kauai marathon,
and how I try to approach my training intentions and goals.
Last year- I knew the race was a pure bucket list dream to
even be PRESENT for and COMPLETE. My whole training plan was around the idea
and intention of training to complete WITHOUT INJURY. There was no other
goal. Absolutely zero speed goal. Absolutely zero EGO. All SOUL. I literally would have been happy
had I needed to walk the last 6 miles, knowing that I was walking (in paradise)
a bucket list item in the glorious sun, air and land. I knew moving my body to
the finish line HOWEVER I needed to get there was the goal- all soul, no ego
involved.
And here I am this year, being me. Falling into the tendency of always needing
more. Needing to improve, do even better next year. “Maybe this year I won’t need to walk the hills.” I can train even harder. I can be
faster. I can do hill repeats for the
final 10 miles of each training run this summer. I can do harder leg strength at the end to be
even more resilient for this year’s race. And, in this attitude of clinging and
tight control and focus on a goal that frankly isn’t even what I want when I
sit back and take an actual real breath in my body….. I realize I’m working
directly against myself.
I’m making the goal something it doesn’t need to be. I’m making the goal too big, something that
is ego driven, rather than heart driven.
I’m missing the simplicity of keeping the attention on the daily grind,
the journey of the build and letting things settle themselves out as they will and
having that be enough.
This reminds me and brings me back to my lesson a few years
back with big hip pain. I had to step back, and I still do and will probably
always need to with my body, to never cross the line of injury. My training intensity and volume needs to be
carefully attended to; my intentions must be clear in order to keep my training
sustainable for the long term and big picture.
It will probably always be better for me overall to err on the side of a
little bit less rather than too much for my body, in this lifetime. There is a line of intensity that I cannot
cross healthily in my body (back and hips). The past few years, the mantra
“don’t get greedy” has been my reminder that I don’t need to go over that
enticing line. I need to stay rooted knowing that training at a level that is
sustainable for life is my true goal.
I train and race best these days when I am guided by an
attitude of exploration, joy and curiosity of movement and training. While
there is that physical line that I always keep forefront to respect and not cross,
I also must remember to apply that to my mental training. I need to
re-establish a beginner’s mind towards this race as I did last year. I’m remembering that I don’t always
need to move the goalposts further.
What I did last year was good enough and MAGICAL. What I WILL DO AGAIN will also be good enough,
and the goal is HEART CENTERED and SOUL DRIVEN once again. This is where I
flourish and can be most true to myself. Running is a DELIGHT in my life- there
is no one to impress and I’m frankly not in competition with anyone. Not even
myself. I have a hard time remembering that, after a lifetime of thinking that
I need to over-earn, over-work and prove myself.
The fine line at the intersection of balancing the discipline
of not cutting things short, vs. the drive to always need more is always a
tough one for any athlete. There is a
time to NOT push through, to not be in a state of FIGHTING like hell,
willing my body to do what it just is NOT capable of. Those days are gone and I
have no need for that way of grinding myself down. The better way for me now is
to train myself up by pure presence, not comparing myself to past days and
years and simply celebrating the joy of running and training. There is a way to balance my strength of
character and determination with softness and gratitude. I’m returning to a
mindset of training to EXPERIENCE my events this year, just as they unfold,
nothing more, nothing less. I am consciously returning to awareness of training
with a balance both grit and crystal clear, heart driven intention…. Let’s GO!
