July- 2 months until marathon

 

JULY CHECK IN WITH INTENTIONS: It has been a downside of this year for the first half that I have not been writing/blogging. I blame some of my health/energy issues and also I wonder if the reverse is also true- that writing keeps me unraveling my mind and creating energy.  I am committed to writing (for myself) for the 2nd half of the year. 

For now:

We are now a week into July.  I have 2 months until Kauai Marathon, and I just tanked a long run last Saturday.  Admittedly, the weather conditions were difficult. With a “feels like” temp that day of up to 110, I woke up at 4, got out the door at 5 and had a 20 miler planned/ hoped to be home and celebrating the success of a long run by 8am.

Well, first off: I got used to finishing my past months long runs successfully.  So, this made me fall into a way of thinking that of course things would go as expected and I could just decide how this 20 miles would go and when I’d be home after finishing the 20. I let myself be lazy in my mind with not doing the WORK and mental preparation of a long run. It isn’t just the racing that takes mental prep.  It is the training as well, and I failed to do that.  I planned all the other things, the route, the hill repeats, the hydration and fuel to bring. And the weather may have made things more difficult, but I am convinced that the real issue I ran into that day was a mind that wasn’t prepared.

I wasn’t solid in my conviction that: long runs aren’t just a given- they don’t all happen successfully, they are a HUGE thing to respect. I trivialized it in my mind and took it for granted. I hadn’t mentally prepared for the FACT that it will always be the MIND that keeps the BODY going. There will ALWAYS be pain in a long run of 18 and beyond. And, it is essential to practice the tools that it takes to keep going. The mantras that align with the footsteps that say, “You will not stop” with every footstep, even if this needs to go on for ½ mile to 1 mile. What is the plan when things get soggy and when even your mental resilience feels water logged/sweat soaked and lazy. I literally felt like I had a “mushy mind” last Saturday- I had no grit worked up to fight with the monkey on my back telling me to take a minute to walk.  I had no plan for: if I have to walk- what is it? 60 seconds or less than NO NEGOTIATING.  I hadn’t instilled the discipline to not negotiate when things inevitably are uncomfortable.

And now I’m aware, I learned my lesson.  I’m doing the work.

I'm committed to the planning of the mental preparation- not just for the main event- the race itself…. But for the real main event:  the JOURNEY THERE. The training is really always the main event, and I cannot just wait until race day to be fierce in my mind.

The workouts that go south are ALWAYS the ones that really drive the learning and progress, and I’m ready and listening and doing the work to up my game. I was disappointed on Saturday. Now, I’m more motivated.  I won’t cut things short.  I will do all of the mental preparation, I will spend the time with legs up the wall, I will not cut short any of the foam rolling, mobility/activation work. I will respect the summer and all the sweat and do electrolytes daily.

Perhaps most of all, I will be very clear in my GOALS. As last year- this is not a race to have a time goal. Going through these hills in Kauai is a different game than others- and my goal is the TRAINING- get as FIT AND STRONG AS I CAN IN NEXT 2 months so that I have the best chance to work my way in whatever forward movement it takes, KNOWING that there will be walking, and that there will be again, tremendous mental discipline to stay positive, to know I have done my best, to not doubt myself, and to have an aloha heart of gratitude and respect for the land I am covering 26.2 on. I am the LUCKIEST to get to live this dream and I will honor it by the FULL work- mind and body that a marathon preparation truly deserves.

Stop Raising the Bar

 

2025 was just a THRILLING YEAR (for the most part) for me.  I had some big goals and the journey and execution of these goals was highly meaningful. Last fall, once the main events that I had planned for the year were over, I felt a bit of a letdown and knew I wanted to start thinking and planning my 2026 goals and something that would light up my heart.  I love the planning, preparation and anticipation of hopeful things to come.

After months going back and forth on race goals, I decided- I’m going back.  I’m going back to my heart place- Kauai. The marathon was full of AWE, and I want to smile so hard again… (and suffer… you know, it goes hand in hand, and that to me is part of the beauty). I registered, I’m going.

So, as I’ve been anticipating the start of training, the season of “training to train”, I’ve been thoughtful of keeping a solid run base. That seems like it has been thwarted- first by some hip and hamstring pain back in December until……. Then my treadmill died. Then the new treadmill wasn’t usable…. I still went out ins 20 degrees… until I came back crying.  Finally, I got a new treadmill that actually worked however either it is off, or I am off (in terms of calibrating paces).  When I realized I am also 15 lbs heavier currently, and I know my physical body is doing some odd things (freaking menopause), needless to say I have been in a 2 month struggle.

I am LUCKY and BEYOND thankful to have been able to at least continue running through these months. Let me premise all of this by saying that I do not take that for granted. Thank goodness right now that all of my estrogen-dependent injuries right now seem to be congregated in my hand, wrist, elbow and shoulder… I’ve been able to keep 30-34 mile run weeks for the first 8 weeks of the year, so this is good.

AND. Those miles have been struggle bus.  Many of them have lots of walking in them. Walking is fine, it is just that I didn’t used to incorporate regular walking during runs to recover, I could just slow down.  With my decreased fitness and increased weight, running has physically felt HARD. My mindset has felt like it has been slightly PUNCHED by not being able to do workouts I’ve done always.  I feel like I can’t trust what is happening- am I slower, or is it the treadmill numbers, is it the cold air in my lungs. Is it depression?  Is it this or that? I’ve been off in all of the ways.

And just recently, I realized that my MIND… AS ALWAYS…. Is becoming a bit of a trigger in my running.  I am here, there and everywhere. And, as I’ve said recently in yoga practice, Seneca the Stoic was quoted as saying, “he who is everywhere is nowhere.”  And I realize that has been me. My mind is fluttering between self doubt, self criticism, and then moving forward to where I want to be, which is not where I am, currently. This is in STARK contrast to how I approached my training last year for the Kauai marathon, and how I try to approach my training intentions and goals.

Last year- I knew the race was a pure bucket list dream to even be PRESENT for and COMPLETE. My whole training plan was around the idea and intention of training to complete WITHOUT INJURY. There was no other goal.  Absolutely zero speed goal.  Absolutely zero EGO.  All SOUL. I literally would have been happy had I needed to walk the last 6 miles, knowing that I was walking (in paradise) a bucket list item in the glorious sun, air and land. I knew moving my body to the finish line HOWEVER I needed to get there was the goal- all soul, no ego involved.

And here I am this year, being me.  Falling into the tendency of always needing more. Needing to improve, do even better next year.  “Maybe this year I won’t need to walk the hills.”  I can train even harder. I can be faster.  I can do hill repeats for the final 10 miles of each training run this summer.  I can do harder leg strength at the end to be even more resilient for this year’s race. And, in this attitude of clinging and tight control and focus on a goal that frankly isn’t even what I want when I sit back and take an actual real breath in my body….. I realize I’m working directly against myself.

I’m making the goal something it doesn’t need to be.  I’m making the goal too big, something that is ego driven, rather than heart driven.  I’m missing the simplicity of keeping the attention on the daily grind, the journey of the build and letting things settle themselves out as they will and having that be enough.

This reminds me and brings me back to my lesson a few years back with big hip pain. I had to step back, and I still do and will probably always need to with my body, to never cross the line of injury.  My training intensity and volume needs to be carefully attended to; my intentions must be clear in order to keep my training sustainable for the long term and big picture.  It will probably always be better for me overall to err on the side of a little bit less rather than too much for my body, in this lifetime.  There is a line of intensity that I cannot cross healthily in my body (back and hips). The past few years, the mantra “don’t get greedy” has been my reminder that I don’t need to go over that enticing line. I need to stay rooted knowing that training at a level that is sustainable for life is my true goal.

I train and race best these days when I am guided by an attitude of exploration, joy and curiosity of movement and training. While there is that physical line that I always keep forefront to respect and not cross, I also must remember to apply that to my mental training. I need to re-establish a beginner’s mind towards this race as I did last year.  I’m remembering that I don’t always need to move the goalposts further.  What I did last year was good enough and MAGICAL.  What I WILL DO AGAIN will also be good enough, and the goal is HEART CENTERED and SOUL DRIVEN once again. This is where I flourish and can be most true to myself. Running is a DELIGHT in my life- there is no one to impress and I’m frankly not in competition with anyone. Not even myself. I have a hard time remembering that, after a lifetime of thinking that I need to over-earn, over-work and prove myself.

The fine line at the intersection of balancing the discipline of not cutting things short, vs. the drive to always need more is always a tough one for any athlete.  There is a time to NOT push through, to not be in a state of FIGHTING like hell, willing my body to do what it just is NOT capable of. Those days are gone and I have no need for that way of grinding myself down. The better way for me now is to train myself up by pure presence, not comparing myself to past days and years and simply celebrating the joy of running and training.  There is a way to balance my strength of character and determination with softness and gratitude. I’m returning to a mindset of training to EXPERIENCE my events this year, just as they unfold, nothing more, nothing less. I am consciously returning to awareness of training with a balance both grit and crystal clear, heart driven intention…. Let’s GO!

Stepping into 2026, reflecting back on 2025

 

2025.

Ohhh 2025.

You were the best of years. And also not the best.

Let’s look back… It was the year I was turning 50 and my word of the year/mantra was “now”. I wanted to make sure I was living present and not waiting for a thing. I’m really proud of how I did that this year.  I had a list of 50 things- I did not complete them all, but I did get through most of them and the rest are still on my list- time/scheduling just didn’t happen, and I know they will.  I wrote letters to 50 people who have changed my life, I took a trapeze class, I did a bucket list marathon in Kauai, I made it a priority to go to a few new places that are near me that I just hadn’t previously made time for. I did some house projects, personal projects, writing projects, travel, visits.  I recreated photos for my 50’th bday, and more. I’m so glad I had a list to make things happen.

I did 2 races that I trained for really hard.  I did Ironman 70.3 PA and the Kauai marathon.  The PA race, I finished the last 6 miles just elated and ALREADY feeling so proud of myself.  To be able to say that to myself, to FEEL that completely, from the inside out…. Was so special. I came back from an injury, I trained hard, and honestly, I couldn’t tell you my time/place/pace anything, all I know is the FEELING… and that really is how I’m living and training and racing these days.  The Kauai marathon was similar.  I trained DAMN HARD.  AND.. right now, I couldn’t tell you my finish time—I could guess but I honestly forgot my time, I have it written… but it isn’t even in the top 10 things I would care about from that race.  The TRAINING I was proud of, and the RACE I was also- by the way I was completely in the moment, aware, giving myself both work and grace. Were the last 10 miles of it SO hard? YES. AND. I hung in there. I self-talked myself through, stayed strong, stayed with myself, showed myself that I have become the person through these 50 years that can endure.

There was so much of this year that was great. There was also so much that sucked, in all honesty.  And, not just the state of our country. As always, I feel big; so to lose relationships always hurts me. This year was devastating in ways to the heart. AND I see now though that with every devastation came love.  When I was so raw and broken, my family was there for me, and I now know I have that.  I relied on messages and txts from my friends, and day by day, I got through. (and therapy!)

So, I now step into 2026.What are my dreams for the year, what are my dreams for 5 years and how will this year play into that?

Who do I want to show up as every day for MYSELF, for OTHERS.

It’s sometimes hard to pick a word (I’ve had some years where I just KNOW, others were I have like 10 things).  This year, a quick brainstorm brings me to a few possibilities:

Aloha (the spirit of aloha that I feel SO STRONG, so natural when I am in Hawaii, can I channel that even in the tundra/frozen/grey of winter?  Can I carry that aloha spirit from the inside out?)                Towards – every day, am I leaning IN/TOWARDS/being intentional/forward thinking as well as NOW.                                                                                                                                                                                           Trust - can I live each moment trusting myself, the universe, the path.                                                                                                                                                                                                 Intention: I worked with this so much this year- in every day, what was my intention, even in every conversation, every workout plan, every training session, what was my intent  in an interaction with someone with- how did I want to leave them feeling and myself as well. I loved breaking things down and even realizing having an intention of a conversation- to leave someone feeling heard, seen, loved was such an honor and special.                                                                                                                                                                                           Passion: THIS, for me seems to even encompass all the words above: PASSION for who I want to be, what I believe in can ENCOMPASS aloha, towards, trust and intention. (ohhh and I am a SUCKER for quote in one of my favorite movies “Serendipity”- “The Greeks didn’t write obituaries. When someone died, they asked one question. Did they live with passion.” So this year, I go forward with

PASSION

I want to live each day knowing that each moment makes a difference. Each day, I will spend time knowing that my energy is directed to what I am passionate about.  That will mean saying no to certain things and situations in order to prioritize what brings me joy, thrill and uplifts my soul.  I will honor the things that ground me and also things that lift me. I will work on daily making my dreams come true at the same time as I allow things and life to be, even when that disappoints or frustrates me. I will feel the joy every single day that “I get to” pet my dogs, spend time with my family and friends, do work that I know makes a difference with people I genuinely care about and believe in. I get to use my body and MOVE- run, bike, swim, lift heavy things, and lay down with legs up. I will move in ways that honor my body and breath and heart. I will try to share and be contagious with this energy, but… I’ll also accept that I cannot create passion in others. I will continue to make time for friends, for gardening, crafting, candles, porch, dogs, paddleboarding, hiking, reading, writing.  Being passionate doesn’t mean I have to go over the top, but I can honor my heart and the enthusiasm that genuinely arises in me for the things of daily life:  sunrises, puppies, kind people saying hello on walks and runs, seeing wildlife, moving my body with exhilaration in all the ways that I love so much. I will make space to craft with shells, garden, take naps with Gretyl laying on my legs, climbing mountains, running more on trails which I’m finding more and more is speaking to a feeling of peace.  My run/triathlon training will be full of hard work, hitting goals, pushing myself, and training with passion: this looks like ENJOYING it as well as times where it feels frustrating. My races this year will be geared towards racing with passion and heart.  This means letting the training do the work on race day and staying focused while also LOOKING UP and ENJOYING. It’s not worth it if I don’t love it. I want to have the deep passion for the things that I choose to lock my mind and heart on to that it is worth acknowledging and doing all of the small things that are the building blocks, the path, the way. I want to remember that every day, I (as we all do) have the opportunity to change people’s lives, to connect, to smile and be kind. I want to be someone who notices and shows up for others. I want to remember to pause and look at people’s eyes, face and make a simple moment of connection. Even moments of rest can be filled with enthusiasm and genuine awareness of acceptance. I’m old enough to have learned, or be in the process of learning to sit, breathe and be. I’m passionate about showing up for myself and others. There are so many things to be passionate about.  I want to express gratitude for my life by allowing the passion to rise up daily.  May it be so.