LESSONS FROM THE TRAPEZE

 

LESSONS from the TRAPEZE SWING!

Ohhhh boy!! This was a day.

Over 10 years ago, I heard about this circus school in the city that had trapeze classes.  I was of COURSE intrigued and wanted to go.  But- there was always a reason why not- of course I don’t want to go in summer when I can be outdoors in the sunshine. I also didn’t want to do anything weird with my hips or back and have a situation where my back was already off and then I landed in a way that tweaked my body into injury for work and my other passions.

So I waited. Far too long.  Since I am turning 50 this year, I am on a quest to check off some boxes of things I really want to do! And this was a TOP priority- new year- winter- my back is fine right now.  I signed up. That was the easy part!

I signed up about a week and a half before the class was to be held, and the 24-48 hours after signing up, I started thinking… what in the world have I done?! What if I get there and cannot even hold onto a trapeze swing, or what if I literally cannot step off and take a first swing! I legit had FEAR. And that was another sign to me…. I NEED TO DO THIS.  Of course, I know that fear isn’t comfortable, but when I feel fear, I realize that if I do not do it, I will create a story for myself that I cannot do something, and that will become honestly a slippery slope leading me to not do more and more things. I have noticed over the past 10 years as I’m aging that I do have little hints of fear once in a while- I love traveling solo, but I also sometimes get this hesitation/fear like what if I cannot do this trip alone, or handle things on my own, and it reminds me that I NEED to do this😊 I realize now that I was already in this space of “imaginary fear”- of having front and center of my mind the fear of the POSSIBILITY of things that could go wrong.

Anyhow, the day arrived and I made my way to the city, having really no idea what I was in store for. I actually had no idea that it was literally in a circus tent! They had heaters, but if I go again I think I would try to not go on such a cold day- the winds outside were gusting and you could totally see it whipping the tent material! I parked (that was a little issue, but all worked out fine) and made my way to my lesson.

The others in my group were mostly newbies also except a young girl of 7 years old who had done this before! They got us belted up in these safety belts and we went over for I think they called it “ground training” which was hanging on a low trapeze bar.  I’m not really sure what the training here was- I think mostly for them to see if we could actually hold our body weight on a bar?  Because we got on and didn’t do anything or swing here, we just hopped down and that was all. We were now onto the MAIN EVENT.

MY FIRST TIME:

Well- first climbing the ladder was its own not small event.  It was high and I honestly had some doubts that I might not even be able to climb to the top of the ladder.  I did, whew! I was telling myself just don’t look down.

Onto the platform. Ok- this is not a huge platform- you have to shimmy around this small ladder on it that you can hold on to. They put your new safety harness clips on your belt as you hold that ladder.  Then there is a tool on a pole with a hook that catches the trapeze bar and pulls it in… BUT NOT ENOUGH!  The worker up there was holding the back of my belt and I was supposed to put toes on edge and lean my hips forward and reach with one arm to catch the bar with my right hand first (while the left held the other ladder). I could not reach it. He kept telling me to lean my hips/straighten my left arm, hang forward, and I was VERY reluctant, and also didn’t really quite understand that I was really supposed to basically put all of my body weight forward and that he was intending to hold my whole body weight.  I really thought at this point, “SHIT- I cannot even GRAB the BAR!” Finally, I got myself to lean enough to grab with right hand.  He said now left. I thought I was going to vomit. My hands are sweating even as I type this. I don’t know how I ended up getting myself to let go of my sturdy ladder and put my left hand on the trapeze swing, which is out into the abyss of airspace, and I guess from there, I think there is literally no backing out, I’m going. As I lean, I feel like I’m going to vomit either from fear or the huge pressure of that safety belt smooshing my insides under my rib cage.  There legitimately were 10 seconds where my whole fear turned into embarrassment about the possibility of me contaminating the circus net with getting sick.

They made the “call” READY and I was supposed to bend my knees in half squat.

Then “Hep” is the call for GO and then we are supposed to jump.  I think my first step was some feeble lean into the before mentioned abyss of air space and WHOOOOOAAAAA ACROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TENT I FLY! So, we really weren’t instructed on what to do once we were swinging, HA!!! You would have thought someone would have asked “how will I get DOWN?” I mean I know the net was under us to get down onto, but I didn’t really know- what is the plan for this swing!

This is how things proceeded: after my big first arc of a swing she calls out, “KNEES IN”. I was supposed to tuck my knees to chest and put knees on top of the bar by the time I got to other side.  I don’t even honestly recall if I got there in time, but then she calls “Hands OFF”.  I am not joking.  UPSIDE DOWN across the air space I go and I am letting go?  I am pretty sure I missed the exact time/ maybe took an extra swing?  I did though at one point, and then she calls, “Hands ON” and we pull ourselves back to hands, take feet out and When she calls “Let go” or something, I remember being like, eeeeekkkk and just plop to the net below?!  Thank goodness the first time was the most scary. 

Watching other people try to grab the bar made me a little queasy also, but honestly they all looked like it was so easy.  An instructor came over and pulled me aside for some “remediation training” as she knew I was scared to the max up there.  She showed me how I was supposed to lean literally my ENTIRE BODY WEIGHT- like the purpose wasn’t to lean a little, but for the person to literally hold your weight until you go.  OK. That made more sense, and I was hoping that would make it easier for my hands to connect with the bar.

Gosh, I couldn’t believe I had to march up that ladder again.  I was worried I’d go through the same terror. I instructed the guy at the top that I had received some additional coaching and that I now knew he was going to hold my entire weight and I proceeded to instruct him...???..... "so I’m going to trust that you have got me just like she did down on the ground."  He calls right hand, and I take the bar. He says left hand and I begin to let him know…. That once again…. I apparently believed I was calling the shots here and that I wanted once again to remind him to hold my weight and I was now going to trust him and that I am NOW going to reach my left hand forward.  Got it.  I took my swing, everything so much better, I get my knees on quick, I release my hands, arch my back on the swing, hands back on, well now she is calling “3 Kicks into a back flip off”… I start kicking and then look over and say “WHAT????” like--- you didn’t tell me when my feet were on solid ground that I’d be doing a back flip dismount.  I feel like even though I’ve done this off of bars before I need some instruction here- I mean I am over 30 years past gymnast years now.  Nope, she says go - 3 kicks and then release hands to back flip!

Mercy. I did it. Couldn’t believe it. I come off the net and she says so much better, but, here is your goal for next time- Let the guy up there do his job.  You don’t need to tell him how to do it, let’s work on your trust issues!  I could have DIED LAUGHING… Yes, you had me here for 10 minutes and have me pegged.

Next time up, I was finally getting the hang of this and the confidence that I COULD trust, I could lean in, I can let go, that the teachers know what they are doing, I don’t need to be doubting!  I am simply supposed to listen to their calls and DO. Stop thinking. It reminded me almost about the moment before a race- the gun goes off- you don’t sit around waiting and wondering.  It’s your signal. And it reminded me that the worst part, the hardest part, is the mental chatter BEFORE the gun, before the start. When you are IN it, you can trust yourself, while you are doing your thing.  But the beforehand is this space of not doing where doubts and fears reside when you aren't  “in the body” but “in your mind”.  Nothing good happens in the mind! I’ve heard there are 70,000 thoughts that go through our mind in a typical day. That is 70,000 choices of what to listen to. It’s a reminder that we are not our thoughts, it is what we choose to pay attention to, what we choose to feed ourselves through continuing those thoughts as we weave them into stories.  My stories often end up unfortunately in the doubting myself category; in thinking I have to go further and more than anyone else to just scrape by, assuming I am below, beneath, undeserving.  This trapeze situation revealed, once again, my reluctance to trust myself and a trepidation to fully embody self confidence. I see it, I own it, I'm a big huge work in progress.

 After the instructor called me out, I began watching the scene as it was unfolding around me and how others were handling the situation in different ways, how the instructors knew what they were doing, were calling out instructions that were meant to be acted on at that moment for timing purposes (rather than first having a pause to have inner negotiations). I started to integrate and see these lessons that were right before my eyes that I am capable, I can count on myself, I can count on this community.

I also realized once I was called out on it- that at least in this instance, I had to rely on others. Ohhhh, that is a hard one for me. But there would be NO trapeze swinging if I didn’t allow help, like it or not.  I had to let it go right then and there.  Allow help and trust. I couldn’t even spend my time pondering this, I just had to begin feeling it.

I’m so glad that I finally said YES to this, YES to myself and the types of things that bring me through challenges and also great joy! Opportunities like this give us opportunities to PRACTICE BEING BRAVE, to practice stepping off into the unknown, to have no regrets. My list of 50 things for this year isn't full of events as exciting as the trapeze, but all are worth making time for, and I am FULLY EXCITED to make things happen!  I won't forget the trapeze day, if anyone wants to go, I'm up to go again!