2018 Eagleman DNF

2018 Eagleman DNF.  20 years now of triathlons and this is my 3^rd DNF.  1^st was when I walked out of the water at Columbia tri back in maybe 2008/9 when I had bronchitis and the water was like 60 degrees and my chest just got so tight I didn’t know if I would die.  2^nd was not running at the 70.3 Savageman in Deep Creek, MD- this was during a time I had a huge amount going on internally in fall 2011, making big family decisions and I needed to be alone, quiet, and the lake honestly just looked so inviting to sit by.  (I seriously stopped, bought an ice cream cone and sat by the lake trying to clarity on something big).  And… this weekend is #3.

So, I swam well, biked well, and ran about 2.5 miles and couldn’t gather any positive ness in my heart to continue.  I was like “bored” with myself/ worried or fearful of the impending pain?  Not even sure…

Here are some thoughts.

I feel like I quit due to maybe 5 things that were overwhelming my brain with negative daggers.

1.       I’ll get it out of the way and I’m sorry, and I know some people don’t want to hear it and it sounds petty, but… it is my truth.  I am “chunky” for me this year and I had nothing to wear.  Not joking.  Seriously.  I’m never a FAN of my body, but I’ve had a few years where I gathered resolve and let go of inhibitions and wore a 2 piece because of the heat conditions and it worked well and I was proud of myself for being brave.  This year, I detested the rolls that I saw coming out and was horrified by myself.  However, the one piece swimsuit I could have worn- I don’t like that as much because when I throw a cup of ice down my swimsuit, it doesn’t have the bra top to hold the ice, so then it slides all the way down and doesn’t work.  I seriously spent so much annoying time trying to figure out what to wear.  I had nothing.  I ended up wearing a 2 piece and was fine until the run and then it was just horrifying ­­­­me to run through people who were able to see my stomach.  Plus, my fuel belt was annoying me and I had to hook this stupid pouch onto it to hold a car key since I was by myself and while I was running the part I ran, everything was moving around- my fuel belt didn’t feel attached right and the bottles were moving and the damn pouch and on top of that I just had too much negative energy going towards being embarrassed.

2.      So… backing up….. Eagleman has always been MY RACE I LOVE to set goals for.  Last year, I was extremely disappointed after I trained and was at my VERY FITTEST EVER… and… I didn’t stay for the slot rolldown to world championships and ended up missing my spot.  I was a bit devastated, so I was all negative on doing Eagleman. I didn’t register for awhile, then decided, no I love Eagleman and it is tradition and I’ll just do it as a long training day in the sun!!  WITHOUT TRAINING FOR IT! So I won’t be emotionally invested, etc…  Then about 3 weeks ago I thought, omg, that really isn’t SMART to do this race without fully training, but I knew I could do it…. I did a ½ marathon last weekend and felt AWESOME and enjoyed it and was so hopeful to just continue channeling that this weekend….. HOWEVER…. Something I’ve realized maybe after DNF’ing today was… I don’t really think I do well when I’m not FULLY FOCUSED.  I do much better BEING invested, I enjoy it more.   I don’t like to be out “in a race” “having a long training day”… I just don’t find myself motivated by that….. I think also in the past few years, I haven’t been RACING the bike portion which I used to.  Yes, it used to tear my legs up even more, but I used to LOVE and be so motivated by being fully 100% IN the race- racing the bike, fierce and flying… I used to love that feeling.  Now I’m like “riding safe.”  Ewwwww.  Just doesn’t “thrill me.”  I honestly feel like I turn into a lazy mental mush pile.  I know that sounds silly, but I just feel blah.  Like I’m just toodling around and unmovitated. Playing it careful.. not fully 100% MENTALLY IN… just “waiting”, “surviving” half-assing so I don’t die on the run?  Thinking about the run before I’m on it?

3.      I really have no idea WHY…. But I was just frankly ANNOYED at little things that I needed to let go of today.  I got to race site early/parked, transition was still closed and a bunch of us (crazy early people) were lined up WAITING at 4:30am to get into transition.  I’ve always been there this early and it is always open.  I like to get stuff in before crowds, then go back and chill for a bit in my car, mentally focus, then go back for last minute transition area stuff/bathroom… so I was “annoyed.”  I felt annoyed by the change in the swim start as well- it was ROLLING start—meaning-  no age group waves.  Instead, you position yourself where you “think” you are going to swim at a certain pace and then like it was just people walking down there and going!   So, it was so many more people going at the same time - I just cannot understand why they think this is better—this way, you have like 50 people who think they are all swimming the same pace for 1.2 miles… so then you are BUNCHED UP at the same pace?!  THAT IS NOT SAFER! And I like how normally you are all in your age group- full of very fast all the way to very slow and then people just naturally spread out.  In addition- this way- you get to know during the race if you are ahead of someone- it is because you are ahead- not just because you maybe started earlier than someone in your age group etc….I lost the kind of mental attention to:  everyone in my age group started at the same time, so if I’m behind someone, they are currently beating me. 

THE MOST ANNOYING thing was a change to the bike to run.  OMG this race has gone on for years with a simple transition that is totally fair- you bike in one corner of transition and run out the other.  No issues.  This year, they said to make sure no one has to run any further than anyone else (which was never an issue so not sure if it is new race director?) BUT: we got off of bike and had to RUN our bike like almost an entire loop around transition- it was killing my wrist/arm/shoulder to be holding my bike up and just honestly was the worst ever.  (and unnecessary).  I should have easily been able to “let this go” however.. and I couldn’t.  I was just annoyed…. (I do honestly have a problem being annoyed by stupid things… I wish I didn’t, but if something just hasn’t been thought out well, I do not understand why it happens).  IN ADDITION- there has been for at least 10 years- a bathroom on the way OUT of T2 to begin the run.  I had been waiting and planning on this, but when I run out- it was on the OTHER SIDE OF THAT STUPID LONG UNNECESSARY run with our bikes!  So I couldn’t like HOP the fence to go to the port o pot and then hop a fence back… (plus, remember I am now running and trying to not draw attention to myself in anyway just blend into the atmosphere since f am not feeling great about myself and jut want to get back out into anonymity.) In the first 50 steps out of transition, I am running and look down to see my energy stingers flying across the road.  Yep.  One by one.  There was a hole in the freaking ziplock.  Great.   

Possibly the biggest kicker was when I get to mile 1- yea yea yea- the port o pots were here, yea!!  So I go over to them, and one is like totally slanted downhill on this incline part of the grass and I quickly congratulate myself for taking notice of that detail and choosing the other one, so I step in and HOLY FREEAKING MOLEY- this one also must not have been stabilized… I am literally going like swinging inside of this port a pot thinking I’m going to tip, I GRAB this side wall and somehow knock one of my fuel flasks out of the belt, and then freak out thinking it was my pouch with my CAR KEY IN IT and I think “my key is going to be in the middle of the… well…. HOLE of the port o pot”!!!  (which it wasn’t, but in doing this, I sway the port a pot back the other way apparently.. and I’m in there literallyl screaming/kind of laughing/curse words…. Omg.  It is ok though.. I go to the bathroom, kind of annoyed when I get out because (on top of a port a pot nearly falling on me) I now I have to repass all the people who I had already passed. I think a few times over in my head, I’m not in this, I can still walk back, still close.  But then I know to just shut up and keep running. I need to go to the bathroom again at mile 2.  So, I go again.  (these port a pots are stabilized better by the way).  In there, my stomach starts not feeling great (but I’m not sure if I was halfway making it up in my head because my mind games were really being strong).  I get out and start running, still wishing slightly to quit and be done.  My hips and back are always in the back of my mind, so I worry also that they will not hold up for the 13.  If they do… not sure my stomach will hold up.  feel one of my hamstrings do it’s little slight awareness pull which reminds me to not push too hard.  I just honestly have these visions of years past and the 100% mental fortitude it has taken to continue and slog through survival to the finish.  And I think, I’m not having that 100% today, and then I am (again AFRAID… fear… fear is a theme here I notice) going to have to get through rest of my week feeling like crap, back and hip acting like I am 94 years old, trying to have energy to get through my work week, etc.  I just realize, I don’t have it.  Or I’m not willing to be tested today? 

4.      I’m also alone at this Eagleman. Again…  And it is getting old- I’m tired of not having my family theren  I’m not trying to make excuses, but it is so nice to have them there.  I also am not coaching anyone doing the race this year, didn’t travel with anyone, and it seems like I’m just alone.  Always on my own.  I know I should have more fierceness and focus on my own, but I miss the big excitement of togetherness- family, friends, etc.  I’m just alone.  I can quietly walk back to my car, put on a tee shirt, and return my chip.

5.      Overall, I think I just failed to focus.  Focus to me brings meaning, heart, passion, it isn’t tiring to me, it is exhilarating. It is my WHY.  I think by not GOING FULLY FOR IT like I usually do, I lost MEANING.  I think I physically could have done well, I WAS doing well, but I cannot do something without my heart attached.  I realized the night before, I didn’t even go over some of my “race info” meaning--- really break it down, go over my “mantras” that I had set, my intentions.  That is unlike me, unfocused, something I would never want any of the athletes I coach to do.

Finally, the final thought that I am realizing the day after:

I feel EXCITED for my upcoming races this summer….. which are shorter!!  (oly. Distance).. and maybe this was part of it also.  I usually finish Eagleman and no  matter how fit I was going in, I am essentially wrecked for 4-8 weeks after- NO speed in my legs.  I am hopeful that Eagleman this year was just a blip and I can stay excited, even MORE excited about my upcoming races.  Maybe in the end, it will be a blessing to remind me to train with heart, race only with heart, and to be honest with my mind and body always.

(this was taken before race start- thx for pic, Koen).

The sport of my life....

I recently had an unexpected thought of former gymnastics teammates of mine.  I say teammates loosely—in the sport of gymnastics- you may be on the same team but you are essentially there for yourself it seems.  This was a competitive private gymnastics club/team and really, if you are a gymnast growing up and spending your childhood in a gym, every girls goal is to be at the top of the podium.  There is only one first place, and everyone is aiming for it.  That being said, we were always of course super close with the teammates that we practiced hours each week together with.  There is no way to not be.  These are the girls that you sit on a mat with at the beginning of practice and begin warm ups with, you hold each other’s legs to stretch, you push each other’s legs to stretch further, you push their legs down, you hold them across the vault to do back strength and ask them to spot you on some things.  You share tape, occasionally grips, beam shoes, know each other’s floor music, have seen each other fall, get hurt, be afraid, get new skills, have the best days and the worst days.  We share chalk buckets, pass down leotards, know each other’s floor routines, go to meets together, try to not eat too much together😊 We have stayed in hotels before- doing back handsprings down hallways, trying to not go into the pool the night before meets lest we become “wet noodles” incapable of keeping tight bodies, jumping on the elevators going down to get more air. 

And eventually, these are the teammates that we share our eventual dreams coming true… or in most cases, fall spectacularly short.  And the season realizing our dreams truly won’t ever happen for us, are brutal.  They come during difficult teenage years when not only are we experiencing changing bodies and experiences, we are found with a loss of identity, and new teammates “taking over our spot.”  There is only one top girl.  If you are on top, there is only one place to go if you don’t stay on top, and that is down.  That is scary.

Needless to say, you become family.  You understand frustrations at coaches who you may feel have abandoned you or let you down.  You understand frustrations at our own bodies for failing to be what we want them to be or do.  We stand next to each other while we find our places in the world.

So, even years later, it is heartbreaking to find that one is now gone.

I am unsure if gymnastics is different from other sports since it is so intensely focused during the growing adolescent years, but I talk with other former gymnasts that are now adults that seem stuck.  We are 30 and 40 year olds still doing bar routines in our mind before we fall asleep (or while asleep).  We still dream of new connections and routine ideas, we still cannot help but do handstands in places that we visit, we are adults who cannot stop leaping down the driveway after picking up the mail.  Our sport was our love and is engrained in our muscles, souls, movement and hearts.  Not only stuck continuing to walk on curbs and lines mimicking a balance beam, but stuck in some tough ways of thinking.

*stuck being a human acting as an efficient machine optimizing time management to an almost inhuman extent.  We learned this through a childhood of moving fast, and we cannot imagine doing something without a purpose/goal/intent.  We cannot imagine living without a goal.  Sometimes to a fault.

*I personally am stuck being hard on myself.  To a fault. Asking for a perfect 10 of myself, at all times, in all situations, and not knowing how to not be always reaching for the next thing, the next improvement.

*stuck with injuries….ohhhh how I have wished over the past year so many times that my back hadn’t had so  much jolting/ I hadn’t had so many falls.  My body is definitely “stuck” with some effects.

Sometimes I do wonder how to get RID of this stuck-ness that I live in, but I also am so passionate about the extraordinary benefits I received of sport during my growing years.  If you asked me what I would do differently, for the most part, I wouldn’t change a THING.  It was hard, but it was life.  Sports are life.  It was such an honor and privilege to spend my childhood doing the sport I loved.

I got to experience my greatest love, hobby, feeling in the world through my sport.  I truly was and will never forget the PHYSICAL FEELING of my sport:  flying, landing a solid jump on beam, attacking the runway on vault (when I wasn’t scared of the freaking thing), catching bars solid, swinging solid and strong. The memories of those physical sensations are priceless forever.

I have done more SINCE my gymnastics career than I ever would have had I not grown up in this sport.  I would have never known how to never ever give up.  I wouldn’t be stubborn, feisty, and all of the things that have allowed me to go through my college years as intensely as I did, worked to create my own business.  I would never have had the stubborn fortitude to adopt a child, jump through hoops for the things I believed in, and stand again when my dreams have been crushed so many times. 

I would have never learned the life lessons of:  taking risks versus playing it safe, and when to do which.  I would have never challenged myself to do the SCARIEST THING I COULD THINK OF.  I remember things that really used to scare me in gymnastics (freaking vault) but also other things/landings/ that I had to learn to overcome.  I had to learn to trust myself, to trust to let go and just try. 

I would have never known how to challenge myself physically to run and then learn to do triathlons and accept the challenge of the race distances and intensities that I’ve done.  I wouldn’t have had this inner “thing” in me that doesn’t allow me to quit.  I would have never been told that my dream wouldn’t come true and be so fired up mad that I vowed, “ohhhhhh yes it will……”  I probably never would have felt a need to prove myself (to both myself and others) so strong that I trained for and did an Ironman.

I would have never learned the beauty of coaching.  I know things that have worked and didn’t work for me, and maybe those are different from everyone.  I know it usually doesn’t work to poke a teenage girl in the stomach though and let her know that you can see that she has already eaten dinner.  I know that it does work to stand back and watch with confidence, support, joy and pride.  I know it doesn’t work when you fail and fall and disgust your own self to walk up to a coach asking you, “why did you do that” as if I wanted to bomb a routine or fall.  I know that a knowing nod of the head and hand on the back mean, “I know you know that sucked and I’m so sorry, but it doesn’t diminish you as a person or athlete.”  Those things don’t need to be spoken, they can be felt.  I know the time for constructive criticism and time for quiet support. 

But I’ve been reminded as I reminisce this past week, that I also would have never known so many beautiful friendships built with smiles, tears, chalk dust, stinky gym bags, exhausted muscles, ripped hands, hours, glory and defeat.  When you experience it ALL together, you will always be family.

*I’m so sorry Christina.  I loved you and remember you then and will always remember you.  I remember your strong legs and arms, I remember your crazy flexibility.  I remember your laugh.  I remember your power and also your softness, sensitivity and your hard times.  Your hard times coincided with my hard times and I think those last years together allowed me to see your heart and your wonderful being.  I remember always being thankful when you were at a practice the same day as me.  Those were good days, you comforted me to have someone so real around.  I remember you at meets, pulling boards for each other, sharing beams and cheering each other on.  I wish I had known you at the end.  I wish I could have maybe been that comfort for you that you had been for me.  I would have continued to cheer you and your beautiful heart on forever.

Top 5 Nutrition Bites for the New Year

2018- NUTRITION.

Sigh. Everyone either WANTS more info on this, or they  just don’t want ANYMORE! I really frankly hate talking/writing about nutrition.  I’m not a registered dietician, so I cannot give “meal plans” etc, but also- eating is so FUNDAMENTAL and personal.  And no one wants to REALLY listen.  Because then we are held accountable slightly.

Everyone already knows both so much and so little, right?

On one hand, everyone knows how to eat well.  Everyone KNOWS how to.  It is harder to DO IT.

On the other hand, there are CONSTANTLY this that or the other diet (also known now as plans, programs etc—so don’t be fooled- a plan is still a “diet” at times….).

So, I’m going to throw out a few ideas.  AND the funniest thing- look back to anything I’ve written previously on nutrition- could be 10 years ago.  It is the SAME DAMN INFO!!  Omg. This is not rocket science, it is not hard to understand, there is not a trick that you’re just missing out on.  It is so simple, but OH SO HARD.

First:  OMG- I’ve been saying it for years – it is not something new from any company/advocare/shake companies, etc.  ::: meal prep.  You freaking must plan.  That is it.  If you do not have a meal plan for the week, I can tell you it probably won’t be really top notch healthy.  You’ll be scrambling, you’ll have snacks that you didn’t count on. You need to plan.  (again good grief, this is not a NOVEL and new thing).  Here is how I do it.  This is just one way of many, but it works for me.  Thursday nights I try to plan my meals for the following week.  Friday I check what ingredients I need that I don’t have for that plan.  Sat- Ryan shops for me- yes I am SO thankful and lucky that he does our big shopping trip!  Sunday I begin cooking/planning/putting stuff together that needs to be ready for week/washed/cut, etc.

Second.  Nutritionists have been saying it for years, I’ve tried to recommend this to frankly EVERYONE I train!  WRITE IT DOWN.  If you write down for 2 weeks everything you eat and drink, it will MAKE you eat healthier – I’d put money on it.  Either way, you’ll KNOW where you are starting/ what you really need to cut out/add in/ make changes in.  *as an aside, if it helps to SHARE that list and be held accountable for that list daily, grab a friend/ask your trainer/ someone in your workout group, etc!  Some people don’t want to be bothered to write it down (and it doesn’t need to be detailed).  Just a LIST of times/foods/approx. portions.  If you cannot be bothered to make this simplest of efforts, do not expect to miraculously end up eating better.  Sorry to be harsh, but it is going to take a smidgeon of effort.

Third:  What is the PURPOSE of the food.  Ok, again, I’ve said this FOR-EEEEEEVER.. about fitness: “what is the purpose of this workout”?  It might be VO2Max training, it might be an active recovery day, it might be hill/strength work etc, but it should have a purpose and you should be keenly aware of that purpose.  So, for FOOD:  every single thing you eat should have a purpose- what are the nutrients/fuel that you are GAINING from this!  Don’t focus on what to AVOID- focus on what it BRINGS IN—what great things it gives you to nourish and fuel your body!

Fourth:  MAKE IT NOURISHING.  Make it look great on your plate.  Look at the proportions on your plate- YES – over ½ should be veggies!  Then lean protein and whole grains take up the rest!  Make it SEASONAL!  If it is winter- do roasted winter veggies over greens with lentils and some quinoa.  Or make a nourishing seasonal soup to warm you and fill you!  Food should be nourishing which means to be FILLED with great things!  And make it fun!  Follow 1-2 food blogs that you love!  (ask me for recommendations- I follow some and even if I don’t use their meal plans, I can always even get a new great idea from a post or a picture!)

Final fifth “tidbit”:  Always think of how you are pairing your foods/ even snacks.  Every time you eat, you should be able to ask yourself 2 questions:  1. What is my fruit or vegetable? And 2.  What is my protein or calcium to pair that off with.  (for example- even a snack of an apple needs more—it needs a protein or calcium with it ---think a tbsp. of nut butter, or 2 egg whites along with it, or some crunch garbanzo beans, etc. ).

And… to those who are adamant that they cannot eat “fruit” on a diet, or fruit at a certain time of day, or a certain type of fruit.  OMG I cannot even continue talking about that silliness—show me someone who is overweight because they ate too much fruit, fruit at the “wrong time of day,” or the “wrong type of fruit.”  I cannot even.

And… one more… anyone doing a “3 day cleanse” a “10 day cleanse” ……. I cannot even… OMG WE HAVE KIDNEYS TO CLEANSE our bodies and we can EXERCISE!!  A “cleanse” is a current day term for crash diet, we are not fooling ourselves.

2018 GOALS

2018: LOOKING AHEAD.

So, I did my 2017 year in review earlier in the week and of course I have many many hopes and dreams for 2018.  Writer Zora Neale Hurston said, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer them.”  I love this and also believe there are always more questions that we didn’t even know we’d begin to have and always answers that we didn’t even know we were looking for.  Part of our purpose is to listen and find these questions and answers, no matter how uncomfortable they are or make us.  2017 wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I’m so glad I started it out with intentions and goals.  I am ready to learn from 2018 and energized to have a good amount of commitment to my goals!

 Ohhhh so many people say resolutions are bad- that it means that right now there is something about us we “need to change”… and that isn’t a resolution at all.  There are always things we can work on and aim to and for!  That is not bad! That is EXCITING, THRILLING, and HOPEFUL!

So yes, I have goals, specific/measurable/reaching, blah blah blah!!! Yes. Of course.

I am also doing what I have for the past few years- a “word” for the year.  I have done Joy, Love, and more.  This year, what I have realized is that I couldn’t really separate some words and they end up being actually encompassed in the letter P.

PLAY, PASSION, PURPOSE. I’m putting those words in a blender and that will be my year!

I want to feel playful frankly in everything I do!  I want each RUN to feel like child’s play- I want to bring PLAY  to my job- to people’s workouts, to classes I teach! I want to remind myself and others of the lightness and fun in our hearts and bodies!  I want to play with my family- meaning that when I am with them, I can truly be with them and play both actively and lazily!  Also, I want to PLAY in new ways- I want to try new things- I still am hoping to do a trapeze class, among other things!

PASSION: I want to live my passions daily- do the things that GIVE Me energy, I want to fuel that cycle and give even more energy out to the world in doing so.  I am passionate about LIFE, FITNESS, WELLNESS, JOY and MINDFULNESS. I’m passionate about how I spend my time and treasuring every minute with my kids.   I’m passionate about movement, outdoors, dogs, flowers, crafts, parks, porches, simplicity and quiet.   I’m passionate about breathing, moving, being near and on water and warmth, trying new things and living without regrets.  I’m passionate about my relationship with my God.

PURPOSE: I have learned to realize the present moment is all we ever really have.  I believe in having a purpose to all that I do, even things that I now see had purpose through pain (both emotional and physical).  I want to live mindfully, making my choices according to my truth and values, and sharing my life with those I love.  I am willing to go out of my comfort zone for my purpose and need to remind myself to do this without fear.

This year, I have the intentions of play/passion/purpose and of course many specific goals:

*FITNESS:  I hope to not begin my age decline yet, but priority is being smart and hoping to work to stay injury free. I signed up for EAGLEMAN again, however this is not my A or Highest priority race this year, as it usually is.  I am going to do it as a (LOOOONG) training day in the sun and heat!! while I train for my goal of being FASTER at Olympic distance races.  I am going to do MORE 10K’s this winter and sprint to keep myself honest- I am hoping to do one per month to help my training, keep me motivated- and to not “be scared” to do them even when I’m not “where I want to be”!! HOW SILLY- no one is EVER where they “want to be.”!!!!! 

I will sign up for 1-2 new races this year- ones that I’ve never done, even though of course my faves I intend to do and have already signed up for some.  Of course I have gone through  more specifics- I have times/rankings/workouts etc that I would love to achieve, but I think that would be boring to write here and I have written other places.  I also am fully committed to being open to the days as they are presented to me.  I know enough to know that my body isn’t really as I would choose it to be at this age, haha.  I have some injuries working against me, and I don’t intend to sabotage myself.  But I also don’t intend to continue (yes, I have been) being

Now, to DO THIS:

FIRST … NUTRITIONALLY.  I am already making changes.  I do this every year, and I’m actually ok with it!  I don’t eat as healthy in the fall.  I like to have a time to get off my schedule, to eat cookies, to not be strict with myself.  And then I LOVE getting back on to great food that just delivers for me… and makes me feel better and energized and fuels me like an athlete.  I cannot wait to run 10 lbs lighter again. Good grief.

I need to go back to religiously training/coaching myself just like I coach others.  This past year I didn’t do it as well because I was always “waiting” for my back to go out, or scared to commit to a workout in case I wasn’t ready for it.  My commitment will be back.

STRENGTH: I’m going to be doing this every day this year- the plan for the beginning of the year at least is: every other day hit big/small: meaning, if I do 15-20 min of “main lifting” pullups/regular/more standard strength training, etc, then the next day is all the “little stuff” which is actually of course the big stuff- this being stabilizers- single leg calf work, outer hip/inner thigh/posterior shoulders, etc. When I am doing my strength stuff, it is a natural reminder to me of play and a passion for feeling strong, working hard, and this actually helps me create and keep a cycle of motivation.

YOGA (and abs):  yoga every damn day.  Seriously.  I am just smitten in love with my yoga practice.  I’ve been doing it every day as a “requirement” of myself for a few months and have really grown to love the freedom of taking 20 minutes even to do some work on my own.

Swim/Bike/Run: I have set specific goals for my beginning “phase” of the year.  Realistic, but great motivating, specific, intensity, skill, form, fun workouts!

That was fitness, but I won’t bore you with everything:  I have too many categories, family/travel/ garden, books, continuing education, learning and living!  I have goals to learn to be still, to be a better giver, friend, mom, etc.

I want to go places—we are going to hit as many beaches this year as I can, and lakes and pool days and hikes (even if I am on my OWN….)!  I am not going to wait to make plans like I sometimes do.  I’ve already hit some reservation buttons.  I want to be outside, I want to have a list every day to feel accomplished, I want to LIVE EACH DAY so fully.  Not that I expect each day to be over the moon, but I want to delight in the days, in the simplicity, in breath, in my friends, in my work, in my heart. Play/passion/purpose.  I’m joyfully on it!

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.  – C.S. Lewis

2017 in Review. YIKES!

2017 year in recap: ahhhh 2017….. you were… so… ugh… special. (a sidenote:  clearly this is just personal recap- not including family... so no comments about--- you are selfish and not addressing your role in life as a mom, which of course is my #1).

The YEARLY QUICK VERSION:

Best race:  Luray Triathlon- august… BEST RACE AND BEAUTY and family day.. literally a 10/10.

Worst race:  Annapolis 10 Miler- I’ve never spent 10 miles focusing on how to not start/quit.

Moment I am pretending never happened: That I left the Eagleman site and wasn’t there to get a rolldown slot to World Championships.

Unforgettable moments:  being dry needled silly all year until I felt a zap of electricity and now am terrified of this treatment, paddleboarding in the ocean on both beautiful and CRAZY weather days- literally being airborne with my paddleboard going over crazy waves, riding in my first races with my new Quintana Roo bike…. (I’m sorry “Black Lightning”…. We will have some better outcomes next year…), volunteering for some local races and seeing different perspectives of these events that I love!

Proud of: doing 2 races in the "open" division this year and being 4th place- JUST OUT OF $$ spot!  I'm so proud of signing up in this division, showing up as best as I could ask for, and having FUN!

I started the year very dedicated to my goals.  Run/tri/performance goals were centered almost exclusively on .. of course…. EAGLEMAN.  In a nutshell, I trained exactly as I wanted.  Going into the race I was more fit than I may have ever been, and it just didn’t pan out.  I still LOVED so many of my races this year and continue to love the sport, but I feel like I’ve had the most DOWNS this year in triathlon/running/training than in the past 10 years.  It mostly just felt like things weren’t “clicking.”

Since the beginning of the year, I struggled to keep my back and hip in some sort of conversation to keep me able to even move on some days.  At time I could run for hours, and some days I literally could not put on shoes.  Or move my right leg from the gas pedal to the brake.  Or then get OUT of said car.  I had a hard time with my training schedule and finding out what would work, and that some days I expected to do a certain workout, but seemed to very often be pushing workouts around if I just couldn’t physically move well that day.  I still do not know if it is:

1.      Aging? 

Or

2. The many unfortunate things that showed up on my back and hip MRIs when I  finally had them done in early December: (torn hip labrum/impinged facet joint/trochanteric bursitis/hamstring tendonitis/pubic bone structure diminishing; back with 2 herniations, one is pressing on a nerve root).

But I am hoping to handle it better this next year.  I have learned that I definitely cannot:

*do 2 intensity workouts day after each other/whereas I used to do this when needed because of logistical/schedule reasons

*sometimes it doesn’t make sense for me to run on a day when my back is talking to me… or hip…

*I’ve learned that I cannot skip a day of doing core exercises and yoga.  I’m doing at least 15-20 min of yoga/day. 

*I currently cannot kick in the pool.  It took me months to figure this out.  With always thinking the pool is so good on joints, I had a hard time believing this, but I need to just sit back and listen.

I feel like this past year I’ve learned and listened to my body in a way I never have needed to previously.  Some of you know, but I’ve actually been super worried that there was something very WRONG- auto-immune/ or some major inflammatory markers or something.  Blood tests so far reveal that everything is okay in that department, so I think it is really a combination of managing the above 2 things. (aging and all of the physiological things—herniations/ tears/impingements/ bursitis’/tendonitis, bleh).

As always though, I believe so strongly that sports are really just a manifestation of our universe…. A glimmer of our life lessons… little parables to sometimes just smack us right in the face. 

This year was physically hard with my body not working, but it also bled into my heart and mind.  Maybe it is feeling physically/bodily old that made me consider mid life questions.  Maybe it is the conflicting desires of the nooks and crannies in my heart that are soul shattered by the world that we live in and the other nooks that remain so naïve and blissfully hopeful.  I’ve been saddened to learn things I didn’t want to learn this year- things I didn’t think possible, imagines I’ll never forget, things people have said both to me and around me.  People that are gone.  Events that have happened.  I’m sensitive.  I’m passionate.

I worry about my legacy. (yes, maybe this is just mid life crisis).  I worry about not being who I dreamed I would be, who I wanted to be, expected of myself.  I wonder if I cannot continue with my triathlon passion and striving for my goals, what the essence of myself is.  I know I am more than just an athlete, but it is also part of me that I don’t want to lose.  I've never been me without being an athlete.   It creates so much happiness in my heart that I don’t know what I’d replace that with.  I worry because I’m not as hard working and over the top focused on my job and MORE MORE MORE MORE hours and training and opportunity.  I’m thankful of the lessons I’ve learned in the past 5 years that have brought my life to a heart shattering, brake screeching halt… but I sometimes worried it took the entire steam and oomph and force out of me.  On one hand, I know it is a GOOD thing—I value my priorities and how I have arranged my family time, my personal time, my work time, my community time, my life time.  But it has changed, so that makes me always second guessing my work ethic versus my laziness! 

I worry that I may not be as completely, selfishly fulfilled as I had wanted to be at this stage of my life.  I miss being age 20, my time of being so fully engaged and challenged, my intensity to prove myself, crushing my expectations for myself.

But I acknowledge that I also am able to finally realize that I don’t need to prove myself.  (and never really did)(actually maybe I did- to myself). 

I don’t need to prove myself, but I am required and humbled to use the talents I’ve been given.  I have spent time wondering once again….what are my talents?  I’m not trying to be negative, but… I sometimes am feeling like I’m not even sure anymore what I am good at or will I be good at?  I didn’t think I’d be asking those questions at this age.

One thing I have learned I am not good at/or good at… is my passion for looking out for those suffering.  My heart breaks for those whose hearts are breaking.  And… ohhhh in such a not good way.  I allow myself and my heart to be broken far harder than it can handle, and I struggle emotionally with not being able to “fix” things- the world, situations, people’s losses.  I expect myself to somehow absorb other people’s pain and help them that way.  A part of me breaks and I  don't grow back stronger.

I’ve learned this fall, through slowing down physically to allow myself to begin to unlearn some of my tendencies.   I’ve learned this fall to actually take walks.  They have to be slow for my hip, but I’ve allowed myself to just walk sometimes (and not run)!  It honestly feels silly to me.  I’m 42 and I don’t know how to “take a walk” for exercise.  I can walk to the bus stop because there is a destination, but I’ve learned the joy in a 15 minute walk to just be outside in the air, to enjoy the world, to calm my nervous system, to be, to thank God for this breath, this day, this space, His plan.

I’ve learned to do yoga daily with no plan other than to follow where my breath and body take me.

I’ve learned to take a nap, and to some extent to teach myself to wake up from a nap not angry at myself and speaking meanly to myself the rest of the day for being so lazy.  And to not let taking a nap write a script to myself that “there is something wrong with me.”  That people can be fatigued.  That everyone needs sleep.

I am slowly learning to begin to have confidence that I am okay.  Fully okay.  All of me.  I am good and positive.  It is strange getting to the place where we can see back some experiences that have led us to question our inherent goodness.

I’ve learned to begin having less doubts of myself, to be quiet inside my mind enough to feel my own strength.

Off kilter/ seasons of life.....

Everything feels off kilter.

Fall 2017…. Is this my mid life crisis?!

I write this on Halloween… (already an emotionally difficult day for me, but trying to get it back to being happy)…. And 2 months into fall, I’m not fitting into my life!  I truly feel like things are “not fitting.”  I’m not fitting into my pattern of life and flow and expectations.  I don’t fit my clothes, my sleep isn’t working because my back kills, (my back certainly doesn’t “fit”- can I have a new one!), I’m “off” with knowing how much longer we have Ellie Mae (although every day is such a glorious blessing and I spend so much time petting her beautiful fur and looking into her wonderful eyes thanking her for being her)…

My heart is like itchy though, and uncomfortable and unsettled.  I’m in the middle of nowhere and not sure which part of the nowhere to face.

My last race was end of August and horrible and I hated it and felt horrible, and I wanted to quit, but didn’t, but spent too much time in the bathroom during race, too much time negative self talking, OMG… I needed race season to be over.  I wanted to just be happy and workout and be healthy, but I am in a funk of pain.  I’ve frankly been in daily pain since last November.  It isn’t always 9/10, but sometimes it is.  When it is not, I am teetering on awareness of life’s movements and wondering when the next “catch” of my back or hip will be… or how I will wake up feeling, or if I”ll instead just be up all night laying on a nerve.  I’m worried because I do feel old.  I’ve ALWAYS been so ANNOYED at people saying they are old/feel old… so maybe this is my payback for not being more compassionate and hearing them better.  I feel old and that is kind of fine, except I know I’m not.  I really don’t think I should feel this way at 42, and I am terrified my kids will remember me not as the fit triathlete/fun, playful mom, but as the woman who couldn’t pick up the pumpkin, who they saw struggling to put on her damn shoes, who they could see being moody because I was just in plain ole pain. Ugh.

So, my goals are lacking because I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself, but I am sOO darn uncomfortable NOT having the daily fun of chasing something….. SELFISHLY FOR ME!!  I love it and miss it.  I get to coach people while I stand on the sidelines.  I am so excited for them, but also selfishly a bit jealous…… I wonder if I should have done some of my “bucket list” races already… although I didn’t think I should work on my bucket list races already at age 42.  And I worry… if I cannot train or do the things I want to do, how will I be as good at my job.  I don’t think you have to be the fittest person on the earth to be a personal trainer, but I do think you have to be in the midst of being strong and challenging yourself and trying new things, etc.  Same with racing--- I am so much more “IN” my coaching when I know EXACTLY w hat a race course feels like, what a distance feels like, what training can/ cannot do both physically and mentally.  So, I wonder if I should get a new job (that won’t hurt so much)…. Like a desk job.  But I feel like a 42 year old who doesn’t know anything!  OMG- all I know anymore is what I do!!  What would I even do for a desk job?  I have no CLOTHES for a desk job!  I’d pull my freaking HAIR OUT with a desk job!!!

My tentative hopes… if my back is ok enough to train, to do the things I love.

*I’d love to do a few more marathons.  Big sur is bucket list.  I’d also be interested in doing Chicago, NYC (although I do not like big city races at all, I think they are kind of classics I may enjoy).

*next year:  haven’t decided on Eagleman.  It just crushes me.  I get so so fit.  I am in the best shape ever from jan-june.. and then I struggle to move my body for like 2 whole months after. Ugh. 

*speed:  may spend a season doing ONLY Olympic distance races and try to get some speed up.  I qualified for nationals in august next year, and plan to do that- not too far of travel and I like to go once per location to nationals.

And… I just don’t want my back to go out.

I want to have energy (to be able to sleep at nights), to do what I love, to be motivated as much as I try to motivate others.

I know my training and racing doesn’t “define” me… but I do love it.  I love the joy that it brings to my every day, and I am missing some of that.

Ahhhh, seasons of life.

Eagleman 2017 race report

EAGLEMAN 2017…

This was my 10^th Eagleman!

Quick things I learned:

*ALWAYS bring a roll of extra TP.  Eagleman is always so prepared, but.. not this year.  An hour before the race started, one of the  main sections of port o pots ran out of TP.  An awesome lady in my line had an extra roll and handed like 10 sheets to everyone.  **she is my new best friend😊

*speaking of port o pots (and then I”ll be done with this subject)(for now… why is there so much bathroom talk in 70.3’s.)… I need to remind myself that there is no shame in getting out of one, and then walking immediately back to the line to stand in line again… bc… race morning jitters create immense havoc on  my system… (but the pepto bismol must have done the trick because it was fine after this!)

*wherever you go, there are gems:  met a woman before the race who was all talking herself up to me and ended with:  “I’ll see you at the finish, I’ll cheer for you.” (ughhhhh like she’s going to be done so far ahead of me and just lounging around cheering for me because I’m going to be so far behind her”??!!!  OK, so my competitive juices began flowing.

 *once again I was reminded:  wear what you want- NOTHING MATTERS OUT THERE ON THE COURSE.  I am so normally not wanting to have anyone see my stomach and wouldn't wear a 2 piece, but honestly- out there- who cares... and once again I was reminded that it is fine and doesn't really matter and who cares.  If someone sees a roll, they can just pass me by... if they can:)

Race morning was awesome: woke up feeling great, got to race site, and literally parked like 50 feet from transition area- they opened up the field to parking—SO thankful- makes it so much better to not have to walk far with all of your stuff especially afterwards in heat/tired/etc.

AND… there is ALWAYS a beautiful sunrise at Eagleman.  Seriously.  I saw this and committed myself to doing this race FOREVER!!!  (more on that later).

I just feel at HOME doing this race.  Sometimes I get on myself for not always doing NEW and different ones.. but I also like how I truly kind of feel at HOME here.  10 years and – I just know the ins and outs of the park, course, set up, etc.  I felt such gratitude for having that sense of “belonging” and feeling at home.

Swim start:  This years swim was in REVERSE!  Weird- 10 years and this is the first they have done that.  But it was fine.  The reason they did it was because something about the current and that this would benefit us (but honestly.. it is not the purpose of a ½ IM to do things to benefit us or make it “easier” or “faster” for us….)  The way out was INTO the current, so I tried to make sure my arm cadence was UP so the current wouldn’t push me back as far.  The way out/beginning of swim always SUCKS how I feel though—I feel good for 90 seconds, and then start thinking ohhhhh I’m tired.. Ohhh yikes, I’m in open water and my legs are feeling tired and it irks me that LEGS feel it since I am SWIMMING. (and no, I am not kicking hard- had wetsuit on today, don’t know… just weird to me that my LEGS have a sense of panic in them?!)  anyway.. got over that about 5 minutes in and then it was FUN! I actually LOVE swimming open water.. just after that 5 min.  When we did our first turn, I knew that I had to make sure I didn’t get pushed INWARD of the buoys so I focused on going hard here also, knowing that at the next turn, the current was supposed to be behind us.  When I did turn though.. honestly.. I have to still wonder- was it behind us?  Never felt it helping me at all.  I was thinking, Hmmmmm if current is behind us for the longer part, maybe I can get my best time.  I didn’t, but it was right in the middle of where I’ve been… kind of wishing I was a bit faster because I even had my wetsuit on, so I feel like I had a lot going for me and I also FELT real strong.. feel that I sighted well and remained tight with the buoys /line of the course.. but…  overall was happy with this.

Bike: So, I got on my bike well/ had a good quick transition/ got going well. The bike was mostly really UNEVENTFUL- so good, right?! A few things:

·        I felt like I really never was PUSHING HARD… hmmm… felt SOLID, but didn’t feel FAST.  The winds were AT US early like miles 8-25ish?  Which I’ve also never had headwinds at that point- usually they are on 2^nd half.  So it was just different (I was wondering if this was related to why they switched our swim- if winds were affecting currents and they were opposite normal?)  anyway, doesn’t matter, just something I noticed.

·        Drank NUUN for first 5 miles, perpetuum from 5-10 then started taking in some food at mile 10. UGH, I was ANNOYED at having to eat.  I did force myself to a bit.  BUT.. I just get so annoyed at having to eat during exercise when I do not WANT to.  But I did, then went back to perpetuum (protein drink) I just didn’t feel like FOOD TODAY but knew I had to try.  I had a bottle of 5 hour energy I drank on bike as well, then went back to NUUN and a blackberry gel…. Picked up water from the stop at mile 45ish and got it to go well into my between the bars drink holder (was worried about slowing down, but I had a great volunteer that jogged a bit to make the handoff easier; also was worried about having it go into my holder but it worked great.)  I also took BASE salt at mile 30/40/50.  (more on BASE SALT later).

·        So… mile 40, I knew I had to pee a bit.  (if you are bashful or offended reading about pee, carry on to the next bullet).  So….. I thought ok, here we go, pee now while biking and it’ll save you time (yes if you don’t do long distance tris- this is what we do.. HOWEVER I suck at this…)AND….. a friend of mine (yes, Koen, you)… was behind me and I wasn’t sure how far back and I would have honestly possibly DIED if he passed me while I was peeing (his son is in my son’s grade/class and….. you know… just didn’t really feel like that would be a memory he could ever get rid of).  So everytime I tried, I just couldn’t do it.  So during that 10 miles, I probably had 5x where I slowed down ridiculously/tried to not pedal (while trying to “go”) and then just gave up and knew I needed to push.  Never went and decided ok.. just stop in transition or real quick on the run course when I get there and go fast.  NEXT YEAR I COMMIT TO NOT EVER TRYING THIS. NO NEED TO SLOW DOWN, just stop for 20 seconds in port o pot rather than wasting this silly time trying/slowing down/losing focus.  I LEARNED.  THIS WAS A BIG MISTAKE and I WILL NOT MAKE IT AGAIN.

·        The oddest thing about this years bike was how I FELT mentally. Normally at like mile 40-45, I think, “hmmmm I’m really ready to get off this bike now.”  TODAY: I felt like that at mile like 20.  AARRGHH! That is not good, right?!  I don’t know why.  I kept saying to myself, “Sharon, this is patience, you are just being impatient with time and you want to like see how you’re going to do today.”  Or maybe it was the wind and I wasn’t going as fast mph during first 25 miles????  Not really sure.  I was annoyed by myself for continuing to think that.  I just felt like the miles weren’t ticking by fast.  On the FLIP side…. At mile 40 usually I do start to feel pretty fatigued and slowing down…. Today I never had that feeling of leg fatigue.  My BACK was fatigued though starting at like 20 miles, so that was also worrisome and so maybe it was WORRY that overshadowed my feelings during the bike.  I just felt like it was “tedious” and I wish I hadn’t felt that way.

Run:  I didn’t feel terrible as I sometimes do in the beginning.. I think I had myself mentally prepared to have NO EXPECTATIONS and to not get “worried” about how I was feeling.  I started/ I knew it wasn’t fast, but I just thought, that is ok.. stay steady/ follow the plan.  And I did.  Mile 3 though… here it came.  My freaking STOMACH.  UGH. I get this at Eagleman.  It is not a stomach cramp, it is like my ribs get big/bloated in that area and I have a hard time INHALING.  I have huge ribs so I usually try to take my fingers and literally put them UNDER the rib bones  (can everyone do this or are my ribs truly just way sticking out there) and I push my fingers around the underneath of the ribs to kind of try to break up the “cramp” or whatever it is.  And I also try to exhale and focus on belly breathing- making my stomach soft/rising/falling rather than it being held too tight.  It didn’t really help and so I was right by a big boulder/rock and I grabbed it /leaned over and stretched out my ribs/back.  And it went away.  Got it once again to SOME extent- not to the extent that I had to stop and stretch again, but I kind of slowed/relaxed my stomach/  made myself exhale really hard.  I don’t know if it is my stomach muscles TIGHTING up so quick/impulsive reaction to the ice water that I pour over me/ice being put into my swimsuit.  I have to wonder if my muscles like CLENCH from this ice?  (but I need it to stay cooled).

So I really kept steadily (slow) during the first 5, really just trying to run UNDER the intensity that I was thinking would blow up  my rib area more.  I had a fuelbelt on so mostly drank that, another 5 hour energy and at aid stations put ice water over me/ ice in my suit/ AND….. here we go.

I AM AN ADDICT.  OK< I have been thinking about this for quite some time.  At every 70.3, they have soda on the course.  I don’t even really drink diet soda anymore, BUT… during a race (and after), the best thing I want/CRAAAAVE is the bubbles of diet soda. HOWEVER, when I get that stomach bloat thing, I wonder if it is from the bubbles??  (although I had the stomach issue today BEFORE the soda)…. BUT: MY RULE IS NO SODA. DO NOT DO IT SHARON. DO NOT DO IT.  And at 70.3 florida, I drank soda.  Seriously, it is like I CANNOT resist.  I have this rule and I just honestly don’t even think about it, I think, “I don’t’ care, I want it.” And take it.

And today I did it again.. and thought.. there it is.  I am honestly a “soda during a 70.3 addict”.  I honestly have this feeling in my mind that that is maybe what it is like for an addict who knows they are not supposed to drink or use whatever, but they DO IT anyway…. (I am not meaning this to make light of drug/alcohol addiction) but for me, I have to wonder if this is similar.  ANYWAY.

THEN I REALIZED at like mile 5 I hadn’t been doing my BASE SALT like I had intended.  I maybe had done 1 some point in those 5 miles.  So, I did 2 servings under tongue at mile 6.  IT HELPED ME SO SO MUCH OMG.  So I decided to do this every even mile marker.  I don’t eat anything salty, so to have that salt in my mouth made me feel gaggish- and my mouth would kind of water and I wasn’t sure if it would turn into getting sick… but it didn’t.  and I really do think it helped.

I also wore arm coolers for the first time.  Ok, honestly, I had no idea if this really would work.  AND…. I was frankly kind of bummed to have my forearms/part of upper arm covered because ….. yea… I kinda like to get a tan.  BUT.. I DO ACTUALLY THINK THEY HELPED!!!  I would put some of my ice cubes in my arm coolers when I would get cups of ice and sometimes it was so so cold that I would take like ½ mile to try to tolerate that pain instead of the pain of running (fun times, haha!)…. But a few times I did think, I feel like my arms are so much cooler, as well as:  I often get goosebumps during EM even though it is hotter than hell.  I  NEVER had that today, not sure if it was arm coolers help OR the extra salt I was taking in.  Also, as hot as it was, it definitely wasn’t the worst Eagleman conditions ever.  There was a nice breeze at so many points that I felt and was so thankful for the breeze. 

Last 4 miles from 9-13.  I need to go see if I can find those splits. OMG, I felt SO SO SO MUCH BETTER during those miles than I did earlier!! I finished STRONG!!!  This was possibly my favorite part of the day.

The FUNNIEST part of the race happened at mile 9 when we were coming back on a hot road- a bunch of “beach grasses”(?not sure if this is what you call them—but like the big tall border grasses) were lining the road and in them, someone had placed a cutout of Sean Spicer so it looked like he was peering out at us through the bushes.  Too funny!

I loved finishing. I loved those miles and not feeling like it was the death of me!

I finished my 10^th! And I did feel so happy to have finished.  No matter what, Eagleman is always an accomplishment, and I know that I owe it to myself to honor that.

Here is how I felt:  happy that I finished, happy and proud that I kept plugging away, disappointed in my times a little…. Frankly I wanted a little faster swim… a little faster bike.. and a WHOLE LOT FASTER run.  Disappointed that last year was 3^rd in age group/ this year 6^th.  Disappointed that it was over 10 minutes slower than last year.  Disappointed that with only 2 places per age group to go to worlds, I was sure one of the people above me would take it.  And this was a worlds I could go to- in Tennessee… I had hoped to go/visit my grandmother on the way/way back possibly….. I normally don’t do 3x 70.3/year, so this would be a bigger year than I am used to, and then next year I was hoping to go back to my favorite distance focus: oly. Distance. I was just "not impressed" by my race... so I decided to do my best Makayla Maroney (olympic gymnast) impression of not impressed:

I was tempted to wait it out until they announced slot allocation and make sure I didn’t get the opportunity, but the longer I was there, the more I knew I didn’t want to wait possibly a total of 4 more hours until awards with most certainty that I wouldn’t get the slot.  I really didn’t want to stay in the heat, I really wanted to get my legs into a cold pool and then take a shower.  I felt confident leaving, and I did just that: left, headed to pool, shower, then walked around the cute little town of Easton, MD…. Then ran to target quick since I rarely get to really go through target and had a few things/cards/bandaids etc to get… and… it was in target that I got a txt from a friend who said they rolled to me for Worlds, do I want it.  Texted back: YES, have blank check and can be there in 20 min.  he said he’d run and ask. And…. I got the text that they had rolled to the next person.  AND I WAS (am) DEVASTATED.  I was in line at that point trying to get OUT so I can run back to Cambridge if it worked and when I got that text, I literally got goosebumps/lost my blood pressure/ felt dizzy/dreamy and just devastated.  I got teary in line, and left and sat outside target, calling ryan sobbing.

I know that on the scale of life, this is FINE.  But it was my goal and I worked every dang day for this goal and I really wanted it.  I feel dumb for not staying, lazily wasting away my day that ended up in my giving my spot away. (not really “my spot” since it rolled to me also)…. I’m so sad. So annoyed, mad, sad. Boo.

It’s fine.  (not fine).