Am I feeling pain? Or is this the feeling of effort.

Pain vs. EFFORT.

Big Sur Marathon is 12 days away.  2 weekends ago, I had my last long run which was supposed to be 23 miles according to the plan I have written for myself.  I had done 22 once that actually felt okay.  I had also done 20 that was H.A.R.D. ugh.  I was mentally prepared (I thought) for 23.  It wasn’t an ideal day- I couldn’t begin the run until 11:00 after a few kid’s sports games, but I left as soon as possible.  By mile 8, I knew I needed some energy so I took my first block, which was earlier than I had intended, but fine.  At 10, I started getting some weird breathing cramps, which was odd- my intensity had not been too much at all, so I didn’t know why I was getting these unless it had to do with the “run gum” that I had started at mile 9.  Anyway, my legs felt heavy, fatigued, and my body was heavy/lethargic feeling and flat.  I was trying to stay calm and not panic with wondering what was going on.  I tried to mentally break up the miles as best as I could- I was doing some hill repeat sequences… because…..hills at big sur….. then I stopped home at I maybe 15 miles to go to the bathroom and got back out asap.  I was just slow and felt a bit miserable.  Each mile took forever and I really just barely felt like I was moving.  I kept trying to eat blocks for energy, but it didn’t really feel like it was giving me too much energy.  It was a beautiful day, in fact hot, so that could have played a role in how hard it felt.  Long story short:  I did 21 because at 20 I had stopped somewhere to refill my water bottle and when I stopped, my body was shaking and I knew I felt a bit light headed, felt like I was 80% on my way to having the flu with body aches, etc.  So, I finished. In a bit of tears because I didn’t do my goal/plan.

The day after this, I was telling someone how I know and accept that I am not going to be fast- there is no possible way, so it would be silly of me to expect some number that is out of my capability.  I just was hoping to be strong enough at this point for it to not feel terrible.  I was reminded that… IT WILL!  IT IS A MARATHON!  You don’t finish a marathon with EASE!  Even when you are appropriately trained!  It will NOT FEEL GOOD.  IT WILL TAKE EVERY SINGLE THING. PERIOD.  Have no other expectations besides putting yourself out there for that.

It was a good reminder.  My last marathon was 7 years ago and that is so long.  I have forgotten, and that is part of why I wanted to do another one this year.  The marathon is so mental.  I may be physically trained at this point as much as I will be, but I still need to work on my mind.  I have much mental prep that I need to do, and I will be doing daily until the race.

I was thinking about my wish for the marathon to not feel terrible.  I feel like I am slightly “afraid” of pain.  I’ve gotten older and softer (physically and mentally!)--- mentally I think I am not as full out committed to the extreme….. I’m not as angry (trying to prove something to myself), scared, which is a good thing.  It is no longer my everything.  I also have high on my heart some of the recent injuries- back and hip, that I am afraid to feel “pain.”  I am reminding myself right now that “pain” of injury isn’t pain of effort.  I think that is a big distinction, at least for myself.  That is helping me right now to mentally prepare for pain, without being fearful of the pain of injury.

The pain of effort:  THIS….. I am willing to go to this pain.  In fact, one of my first mantras years ago that helped me so much was, “No one said that this would be easy.”  I would repeat that to myself mentally, and it reminded me that I wasn’t ever out there for something easy to do.  It was ALL ABOUT doing the hardest things I could think of.  I am not out there to sail through.  I am there to find my grit, use my fire and inner will and power to make it happen.  It will be a fight.  It will be as close to a 10/10 effort as it gets (I usually say you never get to a 10 unless you need an ambulance) but this will be everything and I am prepared for nothing less.  I won’t be smiling the whole way.  I won’t be able to.  I won’t be loving every minute of it, that is not the point.  (at the end though, I will have loved every minute of it in retrospect!) 

I’ve done some races over the years and gotten my fitness to a place at times where I can tell I am the fittest version of my capability.  And sometimes even through that strong effort, when I am at my fittest, there is a sense of “ease.”  I know that is the weirdest thing to say, but it is a feeling of fitness- that I am ABLE to be working at my capability.  I feel like when I am at my fittest, it is easier for me to complete some races than the effort of some people who are doing it slower than me.  And that knowledge has given me a bit of fear of now BEING one of the slower people.

 I have done it before, I have finished 8 marathons (plus 1 that was in an Ironman Triathlon).  And I will be in my strength, step by step, powering through 26.2😊  I have some mental prep still, but I am going to be ready. 12 days.  I finished a strong workout today of 14 miles with 4x (2 miles tempo/1 mile easy) included and I pushed hard and got it done.  I have one more 13-14 miler and some in between runs.  I’m working to already be hydrated, to stay healthy and positive, and prepare my mind.  I’m excited.  Fitness should never be boring and I love varying it up between different distance tris and now going back to a marathon. 

I am fully willing to go through the pain of full marathon effort.  Nothing less.

4 week out jitters

So, I am a bit overwhelmed by being 4 weeks out from the marathon.  Could be a number of things- I  knew this time of year was going to be craaaazy with kids schedules, weekend tournaments, every other thing on the calendar,  band stuff, other school stuff, my work stuff, etc.  So, I am just feeling a bit like I am drowning….and also very tired.  I should be fatigued from the training, but I’m also making sure I’m not going too far overboard, etc.  I am wondering if it is partially allergies? 

I have one very long to do before I start stepping down.  This Sunday will be a long run and I am hoping it goes well.  Unfortunately also playing mind games with myself with a bit of fear of if it doesn’t.

I realized today that part of the fatigue is that I’ve been doing basically ONLY running.   I got on the bike today to do a workout that wasn’t so intense on my body as the running- and it felt so good to do a low intensity bike… I look forward to the weather getting warmer and getting outdoors on my bike!

I’m also reminding myself that while I am “worried” about the race- I just haven’t done this distance in so long, that it is all about FUN, being OUT THERE on the course- on my bucket list course!  And I do truly feel lucky every single run I do to be healed in my back and hip enough to do what I am doing!!!  I am so thankful!

It is big in my heart to feel fully accepting that my races this year are all about progress instead of perfection.  I don’t need to place any pressure on myself to go fast because I am truly just lucky to be healthy and participating.  That is fully my joy to enjoy my training process and the fulfillment of the process on race day!

Training update

Training Update:

It is less than 5 weeks until Big Sur Marathon Day!

I’ve been building up my run mileage and couldn’t be happier about where I am with that.  I’ve been getting 50+ miles/week and getting in all of my long runs.  This is the first year where I haven’t been nearly balancing my training at all with bike/swim.  I have swam ONCE this year now.  (however it was last week and I am back- committed to going once/week for the next month, then possibly building to 2x in May).  Biking I have been doing usually 3-4x / week, but not nearly the intensity or duration of my typical winter bike progression of when I have Eagleman looming over me.

So, my focus is on running, and mostly running HEALTHY and without reinjuring my hamstring/hip.

I’ve been able to get back into hill workouts as they are necessary for Big Sur, but my intensity on them isn’t what I used to be able to push. I’ve had 2 pretty good long runs, a 20 and a 22.  Yesterday, I went out for another 22 (full of hill repeats) and it CRUSHED me in so many ways.  I’m not sure why and need to really spend more time on thinking why because I hope to NOT feel this way during my race!

*I was away all weekend/ not eating good food/ doing lots of sitting (although I ran a hard 6 mile interval run the day before—so maybe my legs were actually tired from that, even though I thought of it as an “off” type weekend).  I’m wondering if sitting so much, not great food, being in car for 4 hours/day didn’t lead to my body feeling great.

*I mentally may have been rushed/not focused on the “HOW” of the big picture- I like to break my run up into segments and I might have been a little too open ended about how to get the miles done with a bunch of hill repeats in.  For me, knowing the plan (example:  first 7 miles is 3 warming up into 4 miles of hill repeats.  Then 3 getting to next hill, then 3 miles of hill repeats there, then 5 on a moderately hilly loop, then 3 more miles of hill repeats, then finish.)  This type of sectioning of my hours works really well for me, and I didn’t have the whole details calculated.  My daughter was also home sick, so I felt kind of bad being gone for that long and was too focused on the FINISHING and not enjoying the beautiful morning that I was able to spend running!

*It was a rather warm morning and I wore shorts.  I could feel my quads “moving” and sorry for TMI but it was like jiggling, maybe it was muscles, but sure didn’t feel good and I was annoyed at feeling this.  Plus m y muscles just felt really sore right away (maybe that interval work the day prior) (but then again maybe that was a good thing!)

*either way----it is a success in my book:  I had intended to do 22 and I finished 21.5 miles.  The last 5 I was honestly just DONE. Done done done.  I ended up taking those last 5 miles and doing .1 mile walk into the rest of the mile running and the running ended up being maybe .1-.2 easy but then I found myself having energy to build a decent pace because I was so looking forward to walking again.  So basically my mile times here were not any worse than what it would have been by not walking… something to keep in mind and consider. But also to keep in mind that it will only be helpful in that way if I can get myself to push the non walking times--- if all I can muster is a slow run, then it won’t help to walk part of it.  It is a strategy I may end up using.  I know people do this all the time.  I have always avoided it because I haven’t needed to do it.  BUT… it is nice knowing that if needed, I’ve practiced it (by default!)

From this run, I need to:

*look to see what I did the weekend before as well- was that a Long run?or maybe I missed a weekend of long runs and maybe this is why this weekend felt hard.

*need to figure out what to WEAR for Big Sur. Maybe feeling my legs was just from being first time outdoors in shorts this year?

*need to plan mental break down of marathon miles.  I’m thinking so far first 11 miles as a big chunk.  Then mile 11-14 is a big hill.  Next chunk is 14-20 (may want to break this into 1 mile “recovery” from the hills then 5 more at race pace).  Then 20-26, need to look at this more in depth.  I do not want to feel like I did this past long run!

After my long run, for about 3 hours, I felt like I was getting the flu.  My body, eyes, everything hurt, ached, I felt TERRIBLE.  I drank cherry juice, ate pineapple (vitamin C), a yogurt for recovery.  Having coffee began to help after about 2 hours- maybe warming me up and giving me some caffeine.  (I did have diet soda right after the long run…. Because I am who I am… ughhh cannot give that up for the life of me).

Marathon training is no joke.  Super hard.  I’m so glad to be doing one again! It has been a long time since my last !(Boston 2011!)

April 28 will be here before I know it!

Winning with the Warm Up....

Long story short: our training sessions determine our performance, and very often, our warm ups can determine if we have a successful training session.   Unfortunately, our tendency is to cut short, skimp, or completely disregard our warm up, and it deserves more credit than that since it is key to the success of our main set!

I could go into a more scientific explanation of why the warm up is important, but very often it comes down to the fact that an inappropriate workout sets us up not FEELING GOOD for the workout.  It doesn’t give us the full time to be gradual enough for our system to catch up to too much of an overload in oxygen deficit, and we for either *physiologic or *mental reasons are led to blow the workout.

It has likely happened to us all:  think back to a workout where your breathing just couldn’t normalize throughout the workout.  The warm up may have been rushed, and it may have just been because of that specific day- the pace of that warm up may have been completely fine for another day, but for one particular day, it may have been too much due to a number of factors (dehydration, fatigue, etc).  OR: think back and notice if this scenario has played out for you before.  You are doing a treadmill workout and your typical warm up  may begin at maybe 9 min mile pace, so you go to that.  It feels hard and horrible, but you keep at it thinking, this is what I always do, what the heck.  What is wrong with me, why is this hard? How am I going to get through ½ mile repeats when my warm up feels so hard.  Maybe this isn’t the day to do my hard effort?  Maybe I should change the workout.  Maybe I just go take a nap!  That is a perfect example of our training being blundered by stringent mental thinking and negative self talk/ self sabatoge!

Sometimes the answer is in just letting our bodies be less exact with our numbers on the warm up and just go with what truly does feel EASY and the MOST GRADUAL warm up that we need!  Everyone is different- some people need longer warm ups.  I’ve noticed over the years that I used to be able to warm up with a  mile, then after a mile some pickups and Im good to go.  Not any longer.  Maybe it is age, maybe it is coming back from injury, but I now need a minimum of 2 miles of pure warm up, maybe even 3.  I sometimes even start with a minute of walking.  And I truly advocate letting it be a progressive, self determined, day determined progression.  Following no orders, no rules, no “supposed to” paces.  And also not judging mentally along with this warm up.  Really listen to your mental self talk along the way to see the types of things you are saying to yourself, the self talk that will continue on for the remainder of the session (and very well along with how you generally treat yourself during training—do your talk yourself up or down).

What about strength training?  Is a warm up important to that type of workout also?  Absolutely.  It should involve muscles, full body motion, lateral movement, front to back, opening and closing the spine, spinal rotation, balance.  It doesn’t need to be long, but it does ideally need to include all of these movements if you want to do your best in your workout.

And, seeing as we are spending our precious and valuable time with exercise, we should be mindful that we spend the first 3-5 minutes, up to ­­10-15-20 minutes making the “purpose of the session” successful.  Broaden this introspection to even consider warm ups when you are with a group, running with a partner, etc.  If you find yourself talking too much during the run with a partner, make some changes if that is affecting your breathing/warm up, if you feel the need to follow too fast a pace, meet your partner after a mile or two, etc.

We literally can win the workout with the warm up.  Or lead to a wasted workout.  Our time is valuable, our training is important to us, so do sweat the small stuff here!!  Maybe the warm up isn't so small afterall!??!!

Solo travels

Many of you know I traveled on a big solo getaway this past week.  It was something I hesitated for so long on, feeling guilty and selfish.  I went for it for many reasons.

When I was in Barbados or during my travel day there, I had a few people ask me why I was going?

I hadn’t been asked that before and it struck me that I hesitated to answer.  In my mind, I was thinking things like: duh. Beach. Because. Away. ? JUST BECAUSE!

But once I was alone and with the opportunity to really think of why, it was so simple to voice this to myself, so I wrote it down.

Because:

I needed to let my soul sing,

­­­­­To let my heart heal,

To refind my joy and feel that joy radiate from the toes in the warm sand throughout my whole being.

I needed to be silent.

To be with myself to have space to remember me.

I needed to take care of me.

I needed to be taken care of by the earth and reconnect with the big picture, not just the day to day logistics and driving and food and schedules and stress and complaining.

I needed to wake up with the sun, with the birds chirping, to hear breeze rustling the palms.

I needed to run in the heat and end at the ocean.

I needed to feel the cycle of the day and let go and just follow that cycle.

I needed to watch the sun set and trust the nature of cycles.

I needed to appreciate life, to savor the small stuff, the beauty that I was within.

I needed to see wind blowing ripples on the turquoise water, the soft sand underneath shaped into natural waves.

It was perfection and I found I even UNDER-estimated my need for this.  I am so grateful.

PERSISTENCE

PERSIST

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.  Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.  The slogan ‘press on’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”  ------Calvin Coolidge

So, this word has been just finding its way to me over the past week.  I am reading a book with a chapter about persistence.  I had a journal prompt that asked me to list instances of persistence in my life.  And, the speakers at the Oscars last night, were over and over and over…. Repeatedly… drumming this into my heart.  I am hearing it loud and clear.

Persistence has been my way.  It really is a theme of my life, it is the fabric of my soul and I don’t mean in a bad way, it is what it is.  It was summer.  Afternoon in my back yard, on our old concrete porch that was “quartered” off so it had long lines which of course…. Was my practice balance beam.  I was practicing some of my balance beam routine on the line, and I dared to speak my heart.  I dreamed of going to the Olympics.  I was told, don’t be silly--- only such a small percent can do that, don’t get your heart set.  OHHHH my…. And yes.  My heels were dug in, and I. WOULD.  There was NO listening to that.  I would trudge forward day after day, year after year.  So, I actually don’t know if I was born with persistence, or if I learned it over these years.  Anyway.  It was my essence.  PURE me.  

And of course it continued.  Anyone who knows me – yes, I never gave up on my UVA dream even though I was waitlisted, waitlisted again… I was waitlisted for med school, just everything… over and over…. The universe saying, “how much do you have, girl?”…. and I was at this time ready to just be fierce and give it all.  Into my adult life.  Adoption.  Sticking with tough times.  Races, ironman, my daily existence oozed persistence….

Until maybe 4 years ago when things happened..  and.. I got tired.  Enough giving my everything.  I want to be quiet, still, and just safe and okay.

But, this voice is whispering to me.  This theme.  My heart.  My world.  My belief.  Why is PERSIST whispering to me now?

Because it is what I believe in. Persistence is HOPEFUL, and HOPE to me is so strong.  I realize there are times when hope is THE ONLY THING.  It gives you some power… or at least gives your heart a fluttering snapshot of possibility of power.

Persistence is a JOURNEY.  It isn’t one choice, but an over and over and over promise that you make to yourself.  If you are persisting, you are on a path.. a PATH to somewhere- even if it doesn’t reach your ultimate goal, it is the only way to try.  It is a belief that your actions will be rewarded over time. 

Maybe most importantly, the journey of this persistence, we become transformed and deepened.  By enduring, our “self” becomes truer.  Choice by choice, day by day, our character blends in with the quiet steadiness of the hope of persistence.

I wish that for so many, and maybe it is partly why I do what I do and coach people for races, train them to strive.  The feeling of the end result is amazing.  And the deepening of our lives through the journey is priceless.

What do you get to do?

Last fall, I began something that has been really nurturing to my soul.  I had been kind of “losing” myself it felt—a confusion of- “why am I so tired, where is my typical motivation, who am I, I’m bored” and so on.  Days felt more like drudgery. Every morning to wake up was just ughhhhhh…. But….. take me to the beach and I wake up like a firecracker!  I’m not tired there, I have my typical light and my fire and my heart just exudes what feels more natural to me as peace and joy.   I am so thankful and grateful.  I couldn’t figure out why I kept acting so negatively in my “real life.”  It felt like a moment too simplistic to end up making a difference, but I decided to each day wake up and remind myself “what I am so lucky to get to do today,” and then at night also- look forward to the next day to remind myself what I am so lucky to do the following day.  I was hoping to make this more of the fabric of my brain, how I think naturally and instead of being overwhelmed by schedules, driving, planning, remind myself how THOSE VERY THINGS WERE THE THINGS THAT I WAS PSYCHED FOR!

It has made a world of a difference!  And in fact, it was all super ridiculously straightforward because it isn’t that I had to plan something different in my day, it was more a reminder that I LOVE my days.  Even if they are busy, they are filled really with things I LOVE!

All it took was reminding myself how:

*I was so lucky to get to train people that I love working with

*I am so lucky to do the work I love, believe in, and SEE makes a difference in people’s lives!

*I am so lucky to have dogs to cuddle with, walk, pick up their poop even, haha… I am just so lucky for these angels that I do truly thank God for them every single day.

*I am so lucky to have a family that I need to feed, keep snacks for, get to places, that we get to spend time together getting to those places, the small conversations are what life is made up of, and even these little moments aren’t really moments of stress, but really FULL LIFE MOMENTS that are my privilege!

*I am so lucky to be able to go for a run… I never “have to run”--- I should always say to myself, I GET TO RUN today!  What a freedom in so many ways.  Instead of letting my weekly workout mileage, or numbers/sets/paces for a workout overwhelm, scare and turn my feelings to uptightness and fear, let go of that and just remember the essence of what it comes down to! I LOVE RUNNING (biking and swimming and everything else active I choose to do!)

*just because I love so many things and try to fit it all in- doesn’t make it stressful!  I have tons of hobbies and things I love! I often confuse that with a weird sense of unease that I won’t be able to get my whole plan for the day accomplished.

*and overall, I’m so lucky to have pockets of minutes that I can use for self care, seeing friends, being silent and still, full of presence in order to recharge.  That is not laziness, there is nothing wrong with me, I am LUCKY to allow myself to pause now and then to regroup and recharge so I can live from a place of being centered and strong.

So, I ask to any of you reading this....
What are you so lucky to "get to do" today?!