BOTH YES AND NO!

 

Both YES and NO

I turn 50 years old this year and I have a list of 50 things that I am excited to do in the year.  It’s somewhat a year of saying “YES” to things that I’ve hesitated on, put aside as a non-priority, and now I’m deciding to be unapologetically prioritizing these experiences, memories and opportunities. I am reminding myself to very much say YES to delights, curiosities and things that tug at my heart and stir my soul. I think saying yes can be important, even when sometimes it is scary, when it feels self-indulgent, or even unnecessary. So, at the beginning of the new year, it’s been exciting to turn the page and go after some of my “bucket list” items and pursue some of the goals I have for the year.

It is always so controversial (eye roll) talking about new year, new years resolutions, those who believe in setting “resolutions” and those who say, you are fine and worthy as you are!  AND YES, I also believe that we are worthy as we are! We don’t need to become more or less of ourselves to be worthy.  AND I also believe that it is hugely gratifying to many people to live in an intentional way, aware of our highest aspirations!  To work towards our truest self, towards our highest visions, and what is important to us!  So, I just refuse to hear, honestly, how resolutions are bad, that they set us up to devalue ourselves. I think, on the other hand, it shows how much we value every day as a way to live our lives with heart awareness.

I wonder sometimes if the word “resolution” is part of the problem. I think the word resolution can be confused with willpower—like I am going to WILL MYSELF against all my might to… make this thing happen… that is so hard and against the grains of my bones.  Like giving something up for the 40 days of Lent- I resolve to eat no chocolate or to cut something out, or I resolutely promise to make something more important to me than it really is.

I don’t think of my “Yes’s” or my new years “resolutions” as a matter of WILLPOWER, but rather a matter of delight and desire.  I want to work my way towards this goal.  I want to try to swing on a trapeze and try new things, so I will honor myself and do these things!

I recognize that, for myself at least, sometimes it is scary to say YES to something.  It makes me vulnerable to admit I have a goal, and I want to work towards it. Of course it is vulnerable to have a goal, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong, or bad, or that I am not honoring myself in the present moment!

I think it is important at times in our life to say YES even when we are scared. And, on the flip side, I think it is equally important to learn, practice and be brave enough to say NO. Sometimes NO is even braver. The day of my trapeze class, a young girl was there and presumably wanted to try swinging on the trapeze.  For the entire 2-hour class, she got up the ladder, stood there, began to cry, and came back down (the ladder…. Not off the trapeze). And, if I’m being honest, I had to think that she may have been the bravest of all that day. What courage it takes to say, especially when you are the only one, (maybe some of the current US Senators should take notice), no, this is not right for me, and my brave is a resounding NO for today. I trust myself enough to say NO.  In fact, in order to say YES, sometimes you need to say NO to other things that are in the way. Maybe spending my time scrolling social media is getting in the way of other things that are more of a priority for me and I need to say NO to some of the time I find myself wasting.

So, I write this with excitement for the Yes’s and the No’s to come!  The journey towards goals, the energy and spark that it gives me to have a path… a path that can of course be shifted, reoriented and changed, but let’s see what some of the new adventures bring!

 

What are you saying YES to this year? What are you saying NO to?

LESSONS FROM THE TRAPEZE

 

LESSONS from the TRAPEZE SWING!

Ohhhh boy!! This was a day.

Over 10 years ago, I heard about this circus school in the city that had trapeze classes.  I was of COURSE intrigued and wanted to go.  But- there was always a reason why not- of course I don’t want to go in summer when I can be outdoors in the sunshine. I also didn’t want to do anything weird with my hips or back and have a situation where my back was already off and then I landed in a way that tweaked my body into injury for work and my other passions.

So I waited. Far too long.  Since I am turning 50 this year, I am on a quest to check off some boxes of things I really want to do! And this was a TOP priority- new year- winter- my back is fine right now.  I signed up. That was the easy part!

I signed up about a week and a half before the class was to be held, and the 24-48 hours after signing up, I started thinking… what in the world have I done?! What if I get there and cannot even hold onto a trapeze swing, or what if I literally cannot step off and take a first swing! I legit had FEAR. And that was another sign to me…. I NEED TO DO THIS.  Of course, I know that fear isn’t comfortable, but when I feel fear, I realize that if I do not do it, I will create a story for myself that I cannot do something, and that will become honestly a slippery slope leading me to not do more and more things. I have noticed over the past 10 years as I’m aging that I do have little hints of fear once in a while- I love traveling solo, but I also sometimes get this hesitation/fear like what if I cannot do this trip alone, or handle things on my own, and it reminds me that I NEED to do this😊 I realize now that I was already in this space of “imaginary fear”- of having front and center of my mind the fear of the POSSIBILITY of things that could go wrong.

Anyhow, the day arrived and I made my way to the city, having really no idea what I was in store for. I actually had no idea that it was literally in a circus tent! They had heaters, but if I go again I think I would try to not go on such a cold day- the winds outside were gusting and you could totally see it whipping the tent material! I parked (that was a little issue, but all worked out fine) and made my way to my lesson.

The others in my group were mostly newbies also except a young girl of 7 years old who had done this before! They got us belted up in these safety belts and we went over for I think they called it “ground training” which was hanging on a low trapeze bar.  I’m not really sure what the training here was- I think mostly for them to see if we could actually hold our body weight on a bar?  Because we got on and didn’t do anything or swing here, we just hopped down and that was all. We were now onto the MAIN EVENT.

MY FIRST TIME:

Well- first climbing the ladder was its own not small event.  It was high and I honestly had some doubts that I might not even be able to climb to the top of the ladder.  I did, whew! I was telling myself just don’t look down.

Onto the platform. Ok- this is not a huge platform- you have to shimmy around this small ladder on it that you can hold on to. They put your new safety harness clips on your belt as you hold that ladder.  Then there is a tool on a pole with a hook that catches the trapeze bar and pulls it in… BUT NOT ENOUGH!  The worker up there was holding the back of my belt and I was supposed to put toes on edge and lean my hips forward and reach with one arm to catch the bar with my right hand first (while the left held the other ladder). I could not reach it. He kept telling me to lean my hips/straighten my left arm, hang forward, and I was VERY reluctant, and also didn’t really quite understand that I was really supposed to basically put all of my body weight forward and that he was intending to hold my whole body weight.  I really thought at this point, “SHIT- I cannot even GRAB the BAR!” Finally, I got myself to lean enough to grab with right hand.  He said now left. I thought I was going to vomit. My hands are sweating even as I type this. I don’t know how I ended up getting myself to let go of my sturdy ladder and put my left hand on the trapeze swing, which is out into the abyss of airspace, and I guess from there, I think there is literally no backing out, I’m going. As I lean, I feel like I’m going to vomit either from fear or the huge pressure of that safety belt smooshing my insides under my rib cage.  There legitimately were 10 seconds where my whole fear turned into embarrassment about the possibility of me contaminating the circus net with getting sick.

They made the “call” READY and I was supposed to bend my knees in half squat.

Then “Hep” is the call for GO and then we are supposed to jump.  I think my first step was some feeble lean into the before mentioned abyss of air space and WHOOOOOAAAAA ACROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TENT I FLY! So, we really weren’t instructed on what to do once we were swinging, HA!!! You would have thought someone would have asked “how will I get DOWN?” I mean I know the net was under us to get down onto, but I didn’t really know- what is the plan for this swing!

This is how things proceeded: after my big first arc of a swing she calls out, “KNEES IN”. I was supposed to tuck my knees to chest and put knees on top of the bar by the time I got to other side.  I don’t even honestly recall if I got there in time, but then she calls “Hands OFF”.  I am not joking.  UPSIDE DOWN across the air space I go and I am letting go?  I am pretty sure I missed the exact time/ maybe took an extra swing?  I did though at one point, and then she calls, “Hands ON” and we pull ourselves back to hands, take feet out and When she calls “Let go” or something, I remember being like, eeeeekkkk and just plop to the net below?!  Thank goodness the first time was the most scary. 

Watching other people try to grab the bar made me a little queasy also, but honestly they all looked like it was so easy.  An instructor came over and pulled me aside for some “remediation training” as she knew I was scared to the max up there.  She showed me how I was supposed to lean literally my ENTIRE BODY WEIGHT- like the purpose wasn’t to lean a little, but for the person to literally hold your weight until you go.  OK. That made more sense, and I was hoping that would make it easier for my hands to connect with the bar.

Gosh, I couldn’t believe I had to march up that ladder again.  I was worried I’d go through the same terror. I instructed the guy at the top that I had received some additional coaching and that I now knew he was going to hold my entire weight and I proceeded to instruct him...???..... "so I’m going to trust that you have got me just like she did down on the ground."  He calls right hand, and I take the bar. He says left hand and I begin to let him know…. That once again…. I apparently believed I was calling the shots here and that I wanted once again to remind him to hold my weight and I was now going to trust him and that I am NOW going to reach my left hand forward.  Got it.  I took my swing, everything so much better, I get my knees on quick, I release my hands, arch my back on the swing, hands back on, well now she is calling “3 Kicks into a back flip off”… I start kicking and then look over and say “WHAT????” like--- you didn’t tell me when my feet were on solid ground that I’d be doing a back flip dismount.  I feel like even though I’ve done this off of bars before I need some instruction here- I mean I am over 30 years past gymnast years now.  Nope, she says go - 3 kicks and then release hands to back flip!

Mercy. I did it. Couldn’t believe it. I come off the net and she says so much better, but, here is your goal for next time- Let the guy up there do his job.  You don’t need to tell him how to do it, let’s work on your trust issues!  I could have DIED LAUGHING… Yes, you had me here for 10 minutes and have me pegged.

Next time up, I was finally getting the hang of this and the confidence that I COULD trust, I could lean in, I can let go, that the teachers know what they are doing, I don’t need to be doubting!  I am simply supposed to listen to their calls and DO. Stop thinking. It reminded me almost about the moment before a race- the gun goes off- you don’t sit around waiting and wondering.  It’s your signal. And it reminded me that the worst part, the hardest part, is the mental chatter BEFORE the gun, before the start. When you are IN it, you can trust yourself, while you are doing your thing.  But the beforehand is this space of not doing where doubts and fears reside when you aren't  “in the body” but “in your mind”.  Nothing good happens in the mind! I’ve heard there are 70,000 thoughts that go through our mind in a typical day. That is 70,000 choices of what to listen to. It’s a reminder that we are not our thoughts, it is what we choose to pay attention to, what we choose to feed ourselves through continuing those thoughts as we weave them into stories.  My stories often end up unfortunately in the doubting myself category; in thinking I have to go further and more than anyone else to just scrape by, assuming I am below, beneath, undeserving.  This trapeze situation revealed, once again, my reluctance to trust myself and a trepidation to fully embody self confidence. I see it, I own it, I'm a big huge work in progress.

 After the instructor called me out, I began watching the scene as it was unfolding around me and how others were handling the situation in different ways, how the instructors knew what they were doing, were calling out instructions that were meant to be acted on at that moment for timing purposes (rather than first having a pause to have inner negotiations). I started to integrate and see these lessons that were right before my eyes that I am capable, I can count on myself, I can count on this community.

I also realized once I was called out on it- that at least in this instance, I had to rely on others. Ohhhh, that is a hard one for me. But there would be NO trapeze swinging if I didn’t allow help, like it or not.  I had to let it go right then and there.  Allow help and trust. I couldn’t even spend my time pondering this, I just had to begin feeling it.

I’m so glad that I finally said YES to this, YES to myself and the types of things that bring me through challenges and also great joy! Opportunities like this give us opportunities to PRACTICE BEING BRAVE, to practice stepping off into the unknown, to have no regrets. My list of 50 things for this year isn't full of events as exciting as the trapeze, but all are worth making time for, and I am FULLY EXCITED to make things happen!  I won't forget the trapeze day, if anyone wants to go, I'm up to go again!

2025: The year of NOW

 

2025 :  NOW

I love coming up with a word that encompasses my heart intention for the year- something that sums up this vibe that I want to fill my days, thoughts, instincts over the next year.

This year, I had a hard time settling on one word.  I had all of these words circling that I was embracing the feeling of, but didn’t quite want to settle on those words.  I of course loved “Thrive” because it rhymes with 2025…. Also I was landing on feelings and words like “Trust” “go” “passion” “grow” “energy” “aware”……

And also NOW. For this year, I am excited to embrace every NOW that I can.

As I turn 50 in 2025, I want to recognize the gift of each day that is given to me.  I don’t want to wait to embrace each day.

I want to make brave and bold choices in recognition that who I am is what I choose every single day. I want to be fully immersed NOW in making things happen.  I’m not going to do something come March because my body just magnetized to that spot in the world- no- I need to do my part in going in the direction I want to live. 

Each day is NOW, and each NOW builds to allow future “nows”.

I want to recognize where fear is getting in my way of going after things that I’ve been putting off.

I want to recognize what I need to do less of in order to make space for the things that are MORE important, so I know for sure that I have not wasted my precious nows.

I want to do big things.  And I also want to grow more comfortable doing nothing but simply enjoying the moment of NOW.  This is not something that is easy for me, and so it is another reason I am choosing this word.  I want to embrace moments of simplicity and revel in the peace of just being. I want to imprint on my heart that I can be in a moment of now without panic that I need to do anything other than just be in it. (Of course, I realize there are responsibilities as well, but I need to learn that life is more than just a series of responsibilities and tasks to complete).

I am already excited to make some things happen- no longer just waiting for magic to appear in front of me.  Noone is going to present me with a calendar full of moments that bring me joy throughout the year, so I am proactively prioritizing positivity and making these moments of “now” happen- some bigger, some very simple and small, all I know will bring me to places of embracing my days in ways that I choose to live.

“If not now, when?” (~Rabbi Hillel)

TAKING CARE OF OUR SELVES- WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?

 

WHY YOGA? WHY DO THE THINGS WE NEED TO DO?!

I’ve been meaning to write this for a week, but it seems to big, too important and I know my words cannot do justice for the passion burning inside me. I went to a conference a week ago and, as always at these events, was reinvigorated. I care so much about the people I work with.

To care about your health and fitness- what does that mean?  Well, it means sometimes doing things you don’t necessarily WANT to do.  It means sometimes going out of your way.  It means asking yourself, “if I’m not taking care of myself fully in the way that I know how to, why not?” and “if not now, what am I waiting for? What would it take, a health disaster for me to start really making choices based on knowledge and research?”

(Some of you have heard this in the week since)- but there was a session and the guy leading the session was saying that if you do these stretches/strengthening exercises 2x/day for 2 weeks, research shows it realigns /balances discrepancies in joint angles and alignment. Well, when I heard that, I’m thinking – how does this guy get people to do these things 2x/day when I sometimes just have people do something ONCE and that doesn’t always get adhered to.  I asked, “what strategies have you found successful in having people adhere to doing this twice/day?”

The response was: “do you brush your teeth twice/day?” (embarrassingly I nod yes).. and he says, “Why are we taking care of only our teeth twice/day?”  And honestly it was such a good question. For real.  I mean- why is it really so much to take care (ESPECIALLY WHEN WE HAVE PAIN!!??!!) of our physical bodies 2x/day?  Why would we NOT take 2x/day 5-10 minute to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in how we feel, move and go about our world. Why have we learned from the time we are babies that our teeth are the biggest thing to take care of twice/day?!  Why not our spine, our muscles, our joints; why is this not a GIVEN??!! As much as I love and believe that what we do makes a difference- it really felt eye opening to me that yea- we choose what to take care of.  We have time. It is a choice.

We know the importance of regular exercise in optimizing health and reducing disease, but we still don’t always make the choices in line with our knowledge.  We KNOW that we are too stressed out, but do we take the time to regularly practice slowing down.  We know we are tight, we know we need more balance (both physical balance and balance of the ways we expend our energy and balance of our fitness), but do we incorporate this balance into our weekly fitness program.

WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE TO BEGIN?

That brings me to the practice of YOGA.  Some of you know I started as the unlikeliest person to do yoga.  I actually walked out of the first class I took in college. (They were doing alternate nostril breathing and oh mY GOSH I HAD NO TIME FOR THAT- I know it just was not the right place for me to get a foot – hold into making yoga an accessible practice to me).

I cannot say that I know what is right for everyone, but I can say that if you are someone who wants to be in tune with your own self, feel what it feels like to be in your body, have a slowing down of your mind, learning to be more patient with yourself and others, practice being in the moment, (not even yet mentioning the actual PHYSICAL parts of yoga), then I think you should give it a fair shot.  And a fair shot doesn’t mean trying it once or twice). What about 6 months?

In 6 months: What if you:

Learned to breathe: What if you could slow your entire being down enough to take actual full and nourishing and nurturing breaths, and what does that even mean?  And really- what does that FEEL LIKE in your body? (because we KNOW that our life experiences for the most part have taught us to NOT feel things in our body, to ignore sensations). So, what if we used our full muscles of respiration to strengthen those- to help us in so many ways having stronger lungs, along with all of the hormonal changes that come with calming the nervous system with full and complete breaths that coordinate with the muscular movements of breath. Honestly, how amazing even is THAT. 

Stop doubting yourself. What if you were able to catch yourself when you were busy doubting yourself, thinking you didn’t know how to do something, and instead began trusting the wisdom of your body.  Trusting your body’s natural instincts.

Learn to be with yourself. Can we practice literally sitting with ourselves.  Standing with ourselves.  Breathing with ourselves.  And then MOVING WITH OURSELVES.  WITH our natural rhythm of breath. Can we find a way to not look outside of ourselves to distract ourselves from what arises, even uncomfortable sometimes, from within.  The only way to be true to ourselves and know ourselves is to take some time with ourselves, right?

Practice patience. I mean, I don’t think I’m alone in being one of the people in the world struggling to be more patient.  It is hard. We are always a work in progress on this. (unless you aren’t in the place of working on it?!)  In practice, can you be patient with yourself:  can you be patient when you fall, when your mind wanders, can you over and over give yourself the grace that you would give your best friend who is working on something?

Be curious and open. It makes me amazed at the open mindedness that it takes to show up at a yoga practice with really no idea what is coming and to be OPEN to just following, open to doing things that maybe aren’t your favorite (but maybe those are the most important things to do!)

Practice being in the body with no goals, practice for the sake of just practice, not need to be good. PRACTICE FEELING WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE IN YOUR BODY! AND OK IN THAT SPaCE! What does it feel like to relax (while upright and awake).  What does it feel like to raise your arms to the sky and lift your chin?!  Do you feel free in a sense that you’ve never felt?  What does it feel  like to push DOWN into your heel and feel your BODY connecting in some fundamental way to the earth that you RISE FROM.  Sometimes yoga is awe, wonder in movement, astonishing amazement.  We are so lucky to experience life.

Did I say learn how to breathe?  Yea, It’s kinda important.

Be okay right now, one moment at a time. It’s so common to always be either looking forward- working TOWARDS something (and you know I’m not against having goals!) or looking back/ ruminating/ regretting. To have the ability to settle into the present moment… HERE… NOW… relieves so much anxiety, if even for moments you can come back to presence, you find your body softening, breathing settles, what circulates in the body shifts. It is frankly quite amazing.

Practice imperfection: Ok – it’s so common to hear people who “cannot do yoga.” And that is not a thing. If someone thinks or says that “they cannot do yoga,” they don’t even maybe know it isn’t a thing!  Everyone can do yoga and every single persons yoga looks different. My arms lifted straight over my shoulders LOOK DIFFERENT than someone else’s arms overhead.  That doesn’t mean I cannot do it because mine might not go as narrow.  My downdog will look different than 100 other people’s downdogs because of TONS of reasons- ankle bone shape, calf and foot flexibility, arm and leg length differences, hip and spine differences!  YOGA IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! IT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE! And that is part of the practice – to learn to be genuinely in the place that is only right for YOU.  If we go into tree position and you fall 7 x while we are in one tree position- that still does not mean you cannot do yoga!  YOU ARE- falling is part of it! It is such a GIFT to arrive on the mat knowing that your practice will never be perfect.  (there isn’t even really a “perfect” in yoga- it just is what it is). We can LET GO and LET OURSELVES BE. Would you tell your best friend that “they couldn’t do yoga” because they aren’t awesome at balancing, or because they have tight hamstrings?  Of course not.  Treat yourself like your very own best friend and show up for yourself.

Physical:  What if we got in 6 months time to a place where our bodies were on their way to resetting in an aligned posture: with shoulders back and down, awareness of how we feel our feet, stand with a tall spine, engaging core.  What if we regularly NOTICED being able to relax our neck and jaw. 

WHAT IF we learned to breathe in a way that signals to our nervous system that we are calm, so we turn on parasympathetic nervous system (instead of fight or flight which so many of us are accustomed to being in). 

How often do you twist and breathe in that twist?  If you don’t, you are losing over time the ability to have that range of motion.  Same with side bending, with reaching, reaching behind you, learning forward.

Maybe most of all, in yoga, WE PRACTICE BEING “EMBODIED”- that means being in tune with the sensations of our body, of listening to what feels right and TRUSTING OURSELVES.  Enjoying the feeling of raising our arms over shoulders.  Of circling arms, of looking UPWARDS, of noticing our bodies feeling free within movement.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN WILL YOU BEGIN?

LURAY TRI 2024

 

LURAY 2024

I love race writeups.  I realize they are rarely read, but they are SO IMPORTANT FOR ME! So, here we go!

Well, let’s start 4 weeks back.

I did Culpeper Tri end of July and my training had been actually feeling really fun and GOOD! I had some bike/runs where I felt really strong and in control and more back to being “running” for me since my back/hamstring saga of 2023. It felt GOOD. And honestly, that was my only goal- to FEEL GOOD. And this feeling isn’t like placing, winning, but feeling like my work has resulted in something! I did feel this way and really was satisfied and SUPER MOTIVATED!

Until 2 days later when I got diagnosed w/covid. F. (last covid in Jan 2024 KILLED ME for 3 months- 3 months of freaking naps every freaking day, feeling like a SHELL OF MYSELF SO DEPRESSED because I just was NOT ME.) So I was worried.  After the first week (took Paxlovid), I thought I was really progressing so tried to ease back in. And for a weekend, it seemed great!  And then…. (maybe I overdid?) it wasn’t. I’ve gone through 147 tissue boxes, cannot breathe without sniffing still, and I wake up feeling like a BUS ran over my BODY.  I get going and feel ok beginning mid morning able to fake my way through some things…. Then- feel like I DIE again (even though I’ve been gentle and let myself go and sit at pool and read (which has turned into eyes closed holding a book- that is how tired I’ve been).  I took dogs for a walk last week and honestly almost sat on the sidewalk on way home.  That is when I was SURE that my body is just not fully recovered.

I adjusted expectations for Luray.  We moved Phoebe into her dorm room yesterday, so it was a busy day, and I gave myself an opportunity to not go if I decided I didn’t think it was best.  But- I also know this race makes me HAPPY.  I love the lake surrounded by mountains.  I love the bike course where you climb and climb and then arrive with like a huge panoramic VISTA!!! I love the run where again you climb a hill, turn a corner and the countryside and SUN and HEAT just beat down on your shoulders.  I literally break out into a smile numerous times in this race.  I decided to be a big girl, adjust expectations and go for it.

Got up at 3:30/ left house at 4:15 to get there for packet pickup and bike racking. All good.  It was a possibility of rain, but NONE! YIPPEE!!

The race venue changed- there are fences around the beach area/ volleyball courts and changing rooms taken down, the dock taken down.  I’m not sure why, that was disappointing.  We have like 15 years of taking kids there (when young) and acting like this was a “vacation beach” and jumping and playing all day after the race.  The memories are so special.

I was nervous lining up for the swim.  I was nervous because I knew that I truly wasn’t fully recovered and I feel like I really “respect” that my body is doing its own thing and I cannot override it by sheer will.  And my worry was that I wouldn’t be okay in the water. And if you are not ok in the run, you can walk.  But in the water, I was worried about …. (going under).  I tried to keep myself calm, warm up with bouncing around and loosening shoulders enough to get mobile.  I began and … FELT GREAT!  (maybe if you think the worst, it just feels really good?)  The ENTIRE SWIM felt great- okay now HALT- that doesn’t mean I felt FAST! It just means I felt strong, didn’t have any breathing problems, didn’t have anyone “in my space” pushing me down, getting anxiety going, etc.  I honestly don’t care about my time- I FELT GOOD! Yea yea!

 

The transition from swim/bike is new for the past 2 years (new race management) and it is freaking LONG. There is first a flight of like 30-40 steps to go up from the beach. This is immediately after you’ve been horizontal swimming 1.5K, so blood flow is just returning to upright and it’s hard.  Then there were branches/tree roots to navigate, gravel.  Goodness. I was as quick as I could.

Hopped on my bike and let’s GO! Except a few miles in, I realize- my legs really don’t “feel” like going hard and strong like I previously have.  They just aren’t “responding.”  Like I know how to train hard, go hard, but this seemed to be like a non result. But I was passing people left and right.  I had 3 people pass me (in my recollection maybe I am forgetting) the entire time- all men, and all during downhills.  So I was trying to tell myself- we are ALL in same boat on these mountains.  Keep the effort. It was beautiful and I was trying to immerse myself in the joy, and also be smart and keep fueling. (but I honestly didn’t really feel like it- maybe I didn’t eat enough)? It was also MUCH hotter than expected.  There was a chance of rain, and at my last race, it was FREEZING beforehand. So I brought a sweatshirt for before this one and it was ROASTING and I had to even take off my tee shirt.  On the bike it was HOT on my back and I (loved it) but kept thinking, what will this mean for the run? I was coughing so much, which was also annoying.  Maybe from being in the water horizontal then upright on the bike it was like the top of my throat seemed COVERED in mucous. The coughing was kind of a helpful “on your left” at times when I was passing people so that they knew I was there.  I just kept doing what I could do and trying to not beat myself up for not FEELING my FIERCEST.

Made it through. Got to T2 and honestly was nervous because I knew I wasn’t like on all cylinders.

Started the run, saw Ryan and waved!  I acted happy because I know that is psychologically good. Mile 1 I tried to stay calm- just see how things are feeling.  I had a 7:45 split (a bit downhill here), but I thought, OHHHH maybe not terrible here?! 

Mile 2 I realized. SHIT. (literally). I have to go to a port o pot and I do not know if there is one out here.  I’m kinda scanning for areas in case. And also start to feel a bit shaky in legs.  I’m fueling, taking UCAN gel sips and water. Trying to remain.  I should mention when I was leaving T2 a woman told me “I think you are first place triathlon woman” so I had in my head, hmmm… wonder who is around- maybe in front or how close behind. And: I have to go to the bathroom- I saw a girl after turnaround at 1.5 and she was close.  I thought, just keep yourself moderate intensity and maybe your stomach will smooth out.

Mile 3- we go through the biggest hill and the biggest sunny patch and my stomach is just clenching and I’m like I do not care, I need to stop at the bathroom at turnaround and if there isn’t one there, I’m gonna have to find a place. (sorry if this is embarrassing to you to read, ha!) I had been playing head games like maybe if the woman behind me hasn’t passed me, I won’t stop and just see how far I can get.  But I decided I’d rather not…. Ummm.. you know… be embarrassed.

Turnaround: I run into porto pot and THANK GOODNESS. But the woman passed me (and I wasn’t sure if anyone else did, but just at that point, carry on). I had seen Ryan and told him I needed to go- I was honestly kinda delirious and I told him (he was near one on the opposite side of road)- to try to “save it”!!! ha!  He said later he had no idea how he was supposed to be a port o pot bouncer. I went to one in the meantime that I didn’t know was there.  But I didn’t feel any better when I got out. I felt like I could sit down and nap. Literally.  Like a lovely nap.  I saw him and he asked if I was ok.  I said no and kept “jogging.” After like 10 more terrible steps I wanted to cry and turned around, but he was looking down at his phone and I yelled “ryan”- and kinda realized- I have no idea how I want him to help me, but I think he should know this is not going well! I didn’t know if I should quit, nap, continue. And I realized it was so silly and to just do what I could even if it was walk.  But I decided- NO WALKING. That is the new goal girl.  I had another downhill mile and I was like ok.  Now you are at 4 and you’ve made it.

If you can make it to 5, then you can say “1 mile left.” And you can do ANYTHING for 1 mile.

Mile 4-5 is an out ½ and back ½.  So that was also nice to break it up and I just began doing all the mental tricks I have ever learned.  I took 40 seconds to focus on tangents.  I kept fueling. I kept my shoulders low.  I pretended that I felt smooth.  I thanked the volunteer at the turnaround (and told myself if I could still have a bit of gratitude that I wasn’t going to actually die). I kept fueling because my body physically felt like shit.  I was shaky and done.

Mentally I had more.  My last mile (uphill and in sun) I did every yoga cue I say to my class in my head:

Can you ask yourself to stay present with yourself.

Can you trust yourself.

Can you take the next step.

Can you stop trying to end the suffering and be with the feeling.  Revel in the challenge that you love.  Be in the work. The work is the essence- there are no guarantees of results, it isn’t about results.

And I did.  I never walked. I trusted each step. I trusted myself. I made it to the final hill and said to myself, “if you’ve gotten here, you will finish.”

There was a grassy spot we had to run over (4x) and I said just do not roll your ankle and you can finish.

And I did.

I am so glad I did this race. I may not be able to do next year because of 2 kids moving into college and I at least pulled it off by 1 day this year, so we will see.  I won’t sign up early, but I’ll keep it on my radar since I’ve enjoyed this race for almost 2 decades!

I ended up 1^st place in my age group, 4^th woman overall. The unfortunate part is that I was less than 1 minute away from 3^rd place overall… and in my mind – that is the bathroom stop plus the panic of walking/ turning around trying to wonder if I’d be able to make it for 3 more miles.  It’s ok though, I’m proud of the day and it was POSITIVE and all I had (and there was no choice- I needed that port o pot stop!)

CULPEPER OLYMPIC TRI 2024

 

Culpeper 2024 (Oly distance).

I’ve waited a week to write this and I want to get all of my memories of last Saturday down so that I don’t forget!

What a great day and it was so fun to race a new race!  I don’t do nearly as many triathlons as I used to do, and I repeat some of my favorites, so it is a rare treat to get to go to a new race, experience new roads and venues!

It was an especially nice treat to be able to go with my friend Rachel last weekend.  I drove and picked her up at 4am, got her bike on and off we went! IT was a quick 1 hour 15 min to Culpeper! I’ve driven by Culpeper so many times on the way to Charlottesville.  It was nice to pull off of 29 and have a beautiful lake and triathlon within a few miles of the main road!

Once the sun came up and we could see, it was a beautiful lake. It was surprisingly a freezing morning and I Hadn’t accounted for this and was SO FREEZING before the race- big mistake to REMEMBER next time that the mornings (especially in mountains!) can be cold!!!!

Anyway, we scouted things out, prepped and got ready.

The swim was a rolling start, which really isn’t my favorite.  I’m not sure if it is just because I got used to years of treading water with my age group, placing myself where I wanted to be, etc.  This just stresses me out more.  THIS YEAR PARTICULARLY! As they were announcing that there were sharp, jagged rocks at the start and to get into the swimming position as soon as possible.  This really didn’t sit easily with me.  When it was our turn to go, Rachel did a shallow dolphin dive in and I’m still tiptoeing literaly looiing around like ewww reallllllyy???  And then I am sure it looked absorbed but I like laid my body down in the water and began swimming!  It was a pitiful start and it made me feel mentally unready.  I get this thing within the first few minutes of a swim (possibly because I don’t warm up first… but I don’t’ WANT to warm up!!!) where my legs feel tingly and like they are tired.  I NEVER feel this in training in the pool. But, it does freak me out slightly and I’m like wondering if I’m dying from the legs up.  Anyway, I got past that, but it did lead me to some negative thoughts when it happened, like, “I really don’t know why I do this, I love swimming and training and doing all the things training- why do I need to do races?”  Well, I got out of that way of thinking after the 2^nd buoy when we turned and I was BLIND.  The sun was rising and literally the angle made it so that I could see NOTHING, I had ZERO idea if I was headed into the right direction.  I saw a swimmer in front of me so I just followed them, praying they could see somehow? Finally I caught the “shadow” kind of of the next buoy that I was looking for and could go wtowards something that I knew was in the direction I wanted to head!  I was worried about the sprint racers starting and hoping I could get one loop around my course before they came in.  It all worked out okay and the swim course didn’t seem too busy.  I enjoyed the 2^nd loop much m ore, once I was warmed up, felt more comfortable in the water, etc. I like swimming In open water, it just sometimes takes me until the 2^nd half of the race to really begin enjoying it??!! I felt like I was swimming actually quite strong then, although I did get blinded at the same turn the 2^nd time around- once again could see NOTHING at that same point in the race, but at least this time I just knew to follow feet and the buoy would appear!  Even though I felt like my swimming was strong, my time really wasn’t, and I think some of it was due to me not seeing those 2x, and also maybe some of my mental lapses.  It is ok, I got out, went into transition, helmet on, grabbed bike and OFF.

 

 

 

 

Once I was on my bike- it was a quick downhill into a turn and immediate uphill.  It was super short distance to get my foot in pedal and be able to secure it, but I did it quick enough.  And the climbing began.  So, this was a hilly course, but I will admit that reading the suggestion that it was “technical and hilly and to preride the course”  made me a bit unaggressive.  I was happy to have others biking along with me, but then again there was a period at the beginning of this race where there were maybe some people bunched up where I thought:  why am I doing this?  I just like to go ride my bike and not have to be passing/ trying to not draft/ etc. I did the first loop and then, knowing at this point what most of the course was like, I felt a bit happier and less scared of what the hills may be to come, so was able to get into the groove of pushing more.  I kept trying to stay hydrated, took a fig newton for calories, and pushed strong, but not overly aggressive.

There were some absolutely gorgeous points on this course. One climb looked like it was STRAIGHT up into the sky!! And we were surrounded by trees but I kept thinking- there is going to be a great view at the top of this!  And there was—beautiful vista of the blue ridge mountains.  Really just inspires awe and gratitude for being able to be out there on these courses.  And…. Yes, so this may be when I was like I LOOOOVE TRIATHLONS!  Disregard that I’ve thought multiple times now questioning why I even do these?!!!  I just get on a high and so appreciative of seeing places that are so beautiful that I wouldn’t have seen!

We got back to T2 and it was an odd downhill right into transition, but then I was off my bike- quick dropped bike/helmet and got my run shoes and race belt and was OUT.

As was my mental and written plan for myself: I wanted to go mile 1 with no judgement.  Hopefully I felt ok but no matter what happened in my body, I wanted to not let it lead to any stories.  And I did this.  It was a hilly first mile and my split was 8:22.  I thought not too bad for first mile plus this huge hill.  So, I said ok, let it go a little.7:32 next mile.  That felt really solid and appropriate for mile 2 but I wanted to complete the first loop before I made any increases.  Mile 3 was 7:28.  I was really happy with how I felt, my mindset, and also really liked the course. I think at this point I knew- be aggressive but smart and you can finish really happy with yourself.  Mile 4 was 7:54 (this was the big uphill at the beginning repeated).  Mile 5: 7:31- I was really working, but also at a place where I knew I could keep at it.  Mile 6 I said, give more and attack.  7:17 split (granted, this has a downhill!!!!) final 1:54 to finish line and I was really happy with how I felt this race.

Overall, the big takeaway for me was how motivated I felt after.  How much I ENJOYED the fact that I got up early, did something new, was open to being vulnerable in an event I didn’t know anything about and just being open to what came in the way of a great training day!  It delivered. It reminded me of years ago, being out in triathlons in the summer heat and why I loved them and got so hooked on them!

Loved the motivation.  Did NOT love that I got covid 2 days later. Sigh. I’ll be back at Culpeper!

WORRY AND ANXIETY

 

WORRY AND ANXIETY:

Last week, I had a few days where I felt overwhelmed and near paralyzed by life.  I had gloom over my head, terror and hopelessness in my heart, and despair in my being. I felt my life was a big failure and the future was filled with the results of all the mistakes and un-optimal life choices and situations I felt I was facing.

After I “emerged” from the ruins, I started thinking about the source and reasons and while the surface level is apparent (life—and its many facets, which, really are all good- right? I mean, I get that I live in privilege, I am safe, housed, fed, and live in a free country… for now… but that is another topic)(of worry), the underlying source of these days of dread were from being imprisoned in worry.

WORRY. It’s never ending available of course, because, for all of us, the future is unknown and uncertain.  So, we have the option of taking that unknown and identifying the potential pitfalls of everything around us.  We could worry about so many options- being late for appointments and meeting, our kids not realizing their potential, not doing the best that we can access of ourselves in our jobs, managing finances and saving for the future, relationships, having enough time, and on and on.

The Erma Bombeck quote: “Worry is like a rocking chair.  It keeps you busy, but never gets you anywhere” hit home.  I looked back at my few days of feeling crushed and realized how much I was in the rocking chair.  Just freaking rocking back and forth IN THE WORRY, amplifying the worry. HOLDING ON to the worry. Because that is what I can control right- I will FIERCELY HOLD ONTO THIS WORRY AND IF I HOLD IT…. we will be ok?????

But no.  Nothing was accomplished, except that I lost a few days of joy. I literally let the worry win, and the worry is just an abstract anyway.  It is a “what if”.  “What if the worst”.  

The time I spent commiserating about the potential doom of life only served to reinforce negative self talk that I’ve been trying to work on NOT doing!  Messages that I didn’t do enough, I am not enough, I am always doing wrong things, I am a waste. Maybe worrying was more about me justifying those self talk messages that I am trying to get rid of?

I’ve spent some time reflecting and In spending time working on this tendency to not be able to stay in the present moment, but be so tied to the uncertain future.  It reminds me of how much peace I am able to find within my yoga practice, where I literally have learned over the years to – while on my mat, be in the moment.  I wish so much I was already able to take this to a greater percentage of my time in real life, but I am at least AWARE, and working on it and acknowledge the need to work on this. I want to take a step in the right direction towards improving my response the next time this overwhelming worry may arrive, and I have realized that the worry of course is a cousin of my anxiety.  It’s a little different, but in the same direction.  The un-knowing.  The un-trusting. The open ended future that none of us know.  How can we deal with that not knowing?

And so the next step.  It brings me to self trust and truth.

SELF TRUST: Of course when we worry, we are not solving anything for our future! There is no way to solve this problem of not being able to see into our future!  The only thing we can do is remind ourselves that whatever comes, we can handle it.  And when I think of it this way, I do feel more okay and more confident based on the evidence- that so far, I’ve been able to handle life as it comes.  Mistakes and errors and misfortune happen, but, I have evidence to know that I can take care of myself, that nothing is too big or wrong that I cannot handle.  And I say this, knowing that part of self trust is having faith, knowing that God is with me. I know that in my life, I’ve got myself.

TRUTH: I feel like this is harder to articulate, but in the midst of worry, since worry is in the future, it seems imperative to come back to NOW and the truth. When I’m in the midst of this distress and unease of worry, I have the choice to practice training my mind to come back to now and the truth of now. That here I am, in a place of being okay. And if I just take one breath and moment at a time, I will be okay now.  Then I’ll see what the next breath brings and I can handle what is there.  Like I said, this isn’t maybe my most natural way, since I apparently find it very easy to go into OVERDRIVE of DOOM and DREAD.  But I am always committed to taking care of my full self, my whole self, my mind, body, heart, and soul in all of the ways.  Part of that is paying attention to my mind.  Paying attention to recognizing the tendencies that are my truth, that I need to be in hard work on.

In all of this thought, a comparison was brought to my attention about worry.  It was said that worry is like leaving a car light on overnight. It’s draining. It dissipates energy that goes nowhere. It helps no one. It serves no purpose- no one is in the car, it is unproductive.  And I RECOGNIZE this.  I recognize this as a LIFE tendency.  Oh my goodness I use so much energy unnecessarily.  My car light (worry/anxiety) is running so much higher than it needs to.  It drains me, and it has led to sickness, but also just to un-wellness over many years.

Last week’s little life crisis that wasn’t- was in a way a really nice awakening to myself.

*Can I trust myself to handle what comes, even if it may not be what I would choose.  Yes.

*Do I know myself in my truth.  Yes.

*Am I unnecessarily draining my batteries, YES.  And I would like to work on this.